-Our next guest has his new comedy special,
"Hat Trick," available now on YouTube.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Fahim Anwar.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, guys. Guys!
[ Cheers and applause ] Come on.
Oh, guys, please. Thank you.
Oh, you're too nice. Come on.
Thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here.
I flew in last night.
This is just, like, a PSA to everyone out here tonight.
When you fly, wait to get off the plane.
[ Laughter ]
It's not very hard.
But for some reason, as soon as the wheels touch down,
everybody gets up like...
[ Laughter and applause ]
For 40 minutes, this guy's like, "Can you believe this?"
[ Laughter ]
He goes to the chiropractor the next day, like,
"It happened again. I couldn't wait. Can you...?"
[ Laughter ]
Ckk!
I have to fly around a lot doing stand-up.
You know, it's part of the job.
And my mom, she's very overprotective.
Whenever she finds out about a gig,
she'll call me up the night before.
She'll be like, "I want your flight number."
[ Laughter ]
"I want the name of the comedy booker."
[ Laughter ]
Like, my mom thinks she's Liam Neeson from "Taken."
[ Laughter ]
Like, if something were to happen to me,
she would just show up like, psh, psh, psh, psh!
I'm like, "Mom, thank God I gave you his contact info!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Untie me. Yeah!
Sorry, boys, but I tell my mom everything."
[ Laughter ]
"We're very close."
[ Laughter ]
I love people watching at the airport.
I love the guy who never takes his neck pillow off.
[ Laughter ]
He just looks like a "Star Wars" Senator.
[ Laughter ]
"I have to get to the Galactic Senate.
Southwest has direct flights to Tatooine."
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes this will happen on a flight.
You know, a woman will be like,
"Oh, can you, like, help me with my bag?"
And I'm happy to help every time.
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, of course." And I'll help her.
But then I always think that's such a luxury, ladies.
[ Laughter ]
That, like, half the population can help you with your bag.
[ Laughter ]
Like, when I pack, I have to pack for my own strength.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. I can't be all like,
"I'll probably bump into Hulk Hogan on my flight."
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, Hulk, can you help me out?"
He's like, "You got it, brother!"
[ Laughter ]
"You're lucky you bumped into me, little guy."
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes they'll have the drug-sniffing dog
at the airport.
It always has that vest that says, "Do not pet."
That's how you know that dog shouldn't be a cop.
If, like, petting it will blow up the whole operation...
[ Laughter ]
Imagine a cop was like, "You know why I pulled you over?"
And you start petting him, and he's like...
[ Laughter ]
"Stop it!"
[ Applause ]
"Cut it out!"
Start rubbing his belly.
He's like, "I'm gonna let you off with a warning."
[ Laughter ]
"Get out of here before I change my mind."
"He had a tennis ball, Sarge. What was I supposed to do?"
[ Laughter ]
This may be a controversial opinion.
I think ladies kind of overestimate
how good they are at dancing. [ Laughter ]
Just a little bit.
I was on a date with this girl, and she was like,
"Yeah, I'm an amazing dancer. I'm so good."
And then I saw her dance, and she was just doing this...
[ Laughter ]
It was a lot of shoulders, you know?
Just...
That's vibing. I'll give you that.
But guys will come up to you and be like,
"Whoa, you're, like, an amazing dancer."
[ Laughter ]
Because they want to be with you, you know?
Men will humor you. You won't humor us.
Like, if I'm at the club like...
[ Laughter ]
No girl's coming up to me, like, "Holy crap.
You're, like, an amazing dancer."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Are you, like, a Jabbawockeez or something?"
[ Laughter ]
"No, I'm self-taught, believe it or not."
[ Laughter ]
"It's TikTok."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, men will humor you. You -- You won't humor us.
Like, guys will be on a date with a girl,
and the girl will be like, "Yeah, you know, I'm a Wiccan.
Yeah, I practice witchcraft." [ Laughter ]
And guys are like, "Oh, my God, that's crazy."
[ Laughter ]
"Is that, like, an indoor thing or an outdoor thing?"
[ Laughter ]
"No, I've heard of Wiccans.
I just -- I never met one in real life. Wow."
If I go on a date and say I'm a wizard...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
...the date's over.
[ Laughter ]
She's not like, "When did you get into wizardry?"
[ Laughter ]
All right. You guys were a lot of fun.
Thanks so much. I'm Fahim Anwar.
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Yo! Come on, now!
That's how you do it right there.
Fahim Anwar! [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, you got a standing ovation there.
-Come on. I love you guys.
-"Hat Trick" is available now on YouTube.
We'll be right back.