Today we are filming for my new pilot -
a game show called Dinner Fork, Salad Fork.
It's going to be very important because...
a few big producers are coming down tonight. Yes.
And you know, this show, it's...it's all about understanding
etiquettes and English culture.
Halima, hey! Hey! Halima, how long left until we start rolling?
Not again.
Ahmed, please, we don't have the time or the toilet roll.
No, not this.
Look, because I want to go and visit the room of Williams.
OK, I'm going to assume that you mean will.i.am.
Who's that?
I am sure Saira will not want you within 100 feet of him.
Oh, OK. Well, look, listen to me. Just look at... Look in my eyes.
Just listen to me, OK? Mm-hm?
It's going to be OK. He's going to love me.
Why is it so bloody cold in here? Oh...
Uh...
Right...
UNDER BREATH: Fuck's sake... What do you want?
What the hell are you doing here, Tintin?
Tintin? This is Zayn Malik. Who's Zayn Malik?
Anyway, look, Williams is expecting me.
Why don't you fuck off next door to Andi Peters' room?
Your mother is Andi Peters, OK? So let me just...
Hey...
By the Knights of the Round Table...! Fuck off, Coconut.
No problem, Willie-I-ams.
Um... I always make time for my fans.
Just talking to Will-I-am-is.
Welcome to Dinner Fork, Salad Fork,
the show all about understanding etiquettes and British culture,
with an exclusive prize of British citizenship.
Wow, that's fantastic!
Spot the immigrant!
Pin the tail on the Chinaman!
Pass the passport!
Guantanamo...footsteps.
Whoa! Congratulations. Absolutely fantastic.
Thank you very much. No problem.
The black is back. HE CHUCKLES
Yes!
Hands back on buzzers for the next round entitled
Tell Me When.
Ready? All right.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disorientated?
BUZZ Maggie!
Yes?
Well done, Maggie. Well done.
What year did Jamie Oliver invent jerk chicken?
I don't... I don't know this one.
It's Jamaica - it's different culture.
No, it's the same. Please, don't lie to your life.
True or false?
The BBC is a propaganda tool for gay wind turbines.
BUZZ Bilal!
Sometimes. What? Are you serious?
Like, it's either true or false, Bilal.
Do understand what I'm saying? You don't, do you?
Wow. That's crazy.
What year did Queen Elizabeth free all of the slaves?
BUZZ Bilal!
'96. No, '97.
I'd like to add there is still slavery.
That's really racist. That's not we are about here...
at Dinner Fork, Salad Fork.
OK...
..the final round!
This is where everything is on the line
as the final question is worth 500,000 points.
All you need to do is tell me, what makes you a true Brit?
Hmm! OK, Bilal, we will start with you.
I am a true Brit because I frequently apologise for no reason.
Sorry? Sorry.
Sorry. Um, Maggie, let's go to you.
I, er...drink Earl Grey tea.
OK! Well, very good, Maggie. Very good. Ade?
HE SIGHS
Uh...
Ade, we need an answer, please.
UNDER BREATH: Bloody hell.
I love a full English breakfast.
Yes, we can tell.
Anyway, the moment you have all been waiting for.
The winner of Dinner Fork, Salad Fork is...
Yes, I am so happy that I won!
My kids no longer sleep in concrete and I no longer eat mould food.
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
No. No... Uh, how do I tell you this? This...this is not real.
This... This is...
This is pilot.
Yes! Plane. I bring my family here, we be happy here.
No. No, no, no. This is fake. Fake?
This is... This is fiction. It's not real.
It's not real? No. No. You are going back home now.
Another success for the brand Armstrong.
The producers absolutely loved it.
They say perhaps it was a bit ahead of its time for Britain,
but I am pretty sure we will be able to sell the rights to the US.
Dinner Fork, Salad For - the next big thing.