-Our first guest tonight
is a Grammy-nominated comedian and actor
who's currently on his Dark Pale comedy tour.
He stars in the new film "Linoleum,"
which is in select theaters now.
Let's take a look.
-Tony, did you give the Saturday morning slot to another show?
-Cam, Cammy, come on in.
-Shondra said that -- Whoa.
-Kent Armstrong.
-But...I-I can't believe you're even standing right now.
-Excuse me?
-The crash.
You crashed your car yesterday.
-I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.
-I saw -- I was -- -No, no, no, no.
Kent just moved to town. You know him?
He's a famous --
Wow, I'm sorry. It's just...
you two look a lot alike.
You know that? -Not really.
-Relax, buddy. It's a compliment.
-But I don't think we do. N-Not that much.
Can I talk to you, Tony, for -- in private?
-Be my guest.
Nice to meet you.
-Please welcome back to the show
our very good friend Jim Gaffigan, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome back!
-It's always, always fun to be here.
This is always a great time.
I feel like I can really open up here.
-Yeah. We feel the same way.
-It's the best. I'm so excited.
-You can take that off if you want.
-[ Sighs ]
Uh, I mean, I don't know if that's necessary.
-Okay.
-I mean, alright, fine.
I'll take it off. Geez. -Alright.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean...
Is that good enough for you? -He went from a shirt
to a sweater.
-You know what I mean?
It's like, oh, Seth wants to see what I look like.
Alright. You know what?
I'm going to take this off. -You can take it off.
Alright. [ Cheers and applause ]
-You know, before you think I'm all paranoid,
the only reason I was wearing this is because I have COVID.
-Oh, well. -[ Coughs ]
I mean, actually, I was just -- I do not have it.
I do not have COVID. I was just tested.
I took one of those online tests.
[ Laughter ]
And it said I'm an empath.
[ Laughter ]
And I have monkeypox.
-You have mon-- -I don't know.
Monkeypox kind of sounds like a kids' cereal.
-Yeah.
-It's like, "What's the prize inside?"
"Sex with men."
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know if that's a prize.
I mean, for some, it would be a great prize.
-To each their own as far as prizes go.
Yeah, who are we to judge?
-This pandemic. -Yeah.
-Right? -But you've been traveling,
which I think is one of the things people miss the most.
-Yeah, I've gotten to the point
where I kind of miss the lockdown a little bit.
I miss the lockdown because, you know, it's just --
I don't want this to come out the wrong way,
but people are horrible.
Like, and I mean just, like, all of them.
You know? But that's alright.
You know, it's alright.
It's just I just can't deal with people.
-Yeah. -Like, can you --
I find it difficult to go to Starbucks,
and it's not the coffee,
and I understand Starbucks is a whole experience,
but, like, that whole Starbucks experience
makes me want to strangle people.
-Okay. Which part specifically?
-Well, it's just I'm convinced that humans, we can't handle --
There's too many options at Starbucks.
There's way too many --
We're used to an efficiency like in fast-food places.
Like, "I'll have a number three."
But in Starbucks, people turn into spoiled brats.
They're like, "Okay.
Let's see, what does baby feel like sipping on?
Let me get a venti half-caff caramel macchiato
with no sugar, no dairy, and no coffee."
And the most amazing thing happens.
Instead of the Starbucks cashier slapping this person,
they just give a nod of, "As you wish."
But it doesn't end there.
After you order, then you -- the suffering continues.
Then you have to wait in that pickup area.
That's like the methadone clinic of Starbucks,
where, you know, you have to hang around
all the other caffeine addicts.
You know, and you're forced to listen to Mannheim Steamroller.
[ Vocalizing ]
You just judge other people's orders.
They're like, "I have a hot chocolate for Dan."
You're like, "What a dork."
[ Laughter ]
And if Dan's not right there,
you're like, "We should kill Dan."
[ Laughter ]
You know, he's kind of asking for it, right?
You just stand there.
You know, you can't --
There's chairs, but they're all taken
because Starbucks is not only a coffee shop,
it's also an upscale unemployment office, right?
Filled with, you know, people on conference calls, students.
There's always that one guy that set up his office in Starbucks.
It's packed.
It's like the opposite of Dunkin' Donuts.
You walk in Dunkin' Donuts,
you feel like you're entering an active crime scene.
[ Laughter ]
It's like the shelves are bare. There's no employees.
You're like, "Are you guys even open?
Did I break in?"
So I just -- I can't deal with it anymore.
-Yeah. I get it.
I mean, I will say, I like that.
You know, I'm a Dunkin' supporter, fan.
-I know. You're from New England.
-Yeah, there you go, but --
In and out. In and out.
You get your coffee, and that's all I want out of it.
-Yeah. And you also get an STD.
[ Laughter ]
-'Cause that used to be two stops.
That used to be two stops. -Right, that used to be.
But in New England...
you can encounter a homeless person
who's also a freelance doorman.
[ Laughter ]
It is true.
-A freelance doorman. -Freelance doorman.
-That's very specific to New England.
-Yeah, I just want coffee, and I want to go.
-Hey, so I have so ask.
You know, obviously, you're a family man.
Five kids, which blows me away.
But I want to ask, how is your wonderful wife doing?
-She's good. She's good. Well, she had a brain tumor.
-I do remember that. -That's not the funny part.
She had a brain tumor, and as a result,
she now has a slight swallowing disorder.
That's not the funny part.
But the weird thing is, is that, you know,
when I talk about this in my show,
the audience understandably gets uptight.
And it's just a slight swallowing disorder,
which is when she eats bread or pizza,
it sounds like she's choking, but she's not.
It's just how she gets --
You know, when people have this disorder,
it's just how they get bread down.
-Now, when you say when you do your shows
and the audience gets uncomfortable,
is it like what's happening right now?
-It's very similar to this.
You know, where people are like, "Should he bail on this?
You know, maybe he should switch.
Maybe Seth should save him."
-No. I want to hear all about it.
-It's just -- But it's something, you know,
as a partner, I've supported her.
I try not to --
You know, it's not that big of a deal.
It's something we've gotten used to.
I try not to draw attention to her.
I mean, I am talking about her on national television.
-Yeah. This is an outlier.
-But it's not a big deal until we go out to eat,
and then I look like the worst human on Earth,
'cause my wife's like [Imitates choking]
And I'm like, "This is good soup, huh?"
[ Laughter ]
The waiter's like, "Is she alright?"
I'm like, "She's fine. She had a brain tumor."
You know?
It probably looks like I'm trying to kill her.
You know, I'm like, "You got any other stuff she can choke on?
I just got her some of that life insurance stuff."
I'm a good husband. -You are a good husband.
I want to ask about this movie real quick.
Fantastic clip.
Let me tell you, sometimes the clips show up,
and I don't feel like it tells you enough about the movie.
Because one of the great details here
is you are obviously playing two roles in this film.
-Yes. -One is a sort of
Bill Nye science guy. -Yes.
-You had to learn some science, I guess --
the text of science, at least.
-And the other guy is an astronaut, a former astronaut,
and I know nothing about science whatsoever.
And so there was a challenge of, like, not only do you have to --
'Cause you have to learn lines
and then you have to kind of, you know, acquire an enthusiasm,
and then I had to get to this Bill Nye enthusiasm,
and it was really hard 'cause I'm dumb.
It's -- Science is just kind of --
It's another language for me.
So it was very difficult, but I think I pulled it off.
-I think you did a great job, as well.
And what a pleasure to have you here, as always.
Thank you so much. You guys, that's Jim Gaffigan.
"Linoleum" is in select theaters now.
For tour information, go to jimgaffigan.com.
Be right back with more "Late Night."