I look pretty good.
I, uh... (laughs)
...got all dressed up for this.
I just, uh, I just moved down to Miami
for my television show down there, and, uh...
You been to Miami?
Anyone been to Miami, ever?
(audience whooping)
It's kind of like if New York and L.A. had a baby, right?
And that baby developed
a coke problem, it would be Miami.
But I moved down from New York
and I had, like, a New York body-- you know what I mean?
I was, like, 30 pounds heavier.
My body looked like yogurt with hair in it.
That's...
I looked like a middle relief pitcher
for the Kansas City Royals, just...
I come in for one bat,
or I'm a lefty-on-lefty specialist.
You know, you can't go down to Miami
with a New York body, man.
That freaks 'em out.
'Cause I went to the beach for the first time
and I took my shirt off and they were like,
"What the hell is that?
"Why is he translucent?
"And why does he have weird patches of hair
in strange places?"
And I was like, "I'm sorry,
"I come from a city where
all that matters is your accomplishments."
I didn't know we were gonna be having brunch
with our shirt off every day.
That's how they get down, down there.
But it's amazing, man.
Having a good time.
Having a good time down in Miami.
I did lose a lot of weight.
Not just because I moved down to Miami,
but because I went through a breakup
and that is the best weight-loss program on the market.
(audience whooping)
Right? Forget about the South Beach Diet.
I'm writing a diet book called
Just can't keep anything down right now.
I learned, man... women, you guys got it easier
through breakups, dude. You do.
Because you got girlfriends
to help you through the breakup.
They talk you through it.
You have little breakup meetings.
Your girlfriends come over.
You're like, "Staci's breaking up.
"You get the wine,
"I'll get the Sarah McLachlan.
"Form a circle around her,
she's vulnerable right now."
And then they talk you through it, like,
"Listen, girl, it wasn't the right time, okay?
"You guys are in different places.
"Maybe you'll come back together in a year, like
"You never know what's gonna happen.
"But for right now, you need your space.
You need some space."
That's how women break up.
"I need space."
That's 'cause they don't have the balls to end it.
So they just drag us along for a little while,
because they're manipulative about it.
Us, we break up with you, we're a little meaner about it,
but at least you know what the breakup's about
and it happens when we say it.
We're at dinner with you
and you're chewing with your mouth open.
You got some corn stuck in your teeth.
And we're like, "I'm not dealing with that shit anymore.
I'm out."
Not you guys. You go,
"I need some space."
What you'll do is break up with us in your head
six months before...
and then spend the next six months
plotting your exit.
And in that six months,
you try to reverse the problem in the relationship
to make us feel like it was our fault why it ended,
so that you can leave guilt-free.
And in those six months,
you prod us and you start fights
and you mess with us until we finally blow up
and scream, and then you're like,
"You see?
"You have an anger problem.
"I need some space right now.
"You always overreact.
"All I did was butter knife stab your dog two times
"and you overreact like you always do.
And I need some space right now."
And this is what "space" means...
I've figured out what "space" means.
This is what "space" means, guys.
It means, "I need you
"to continue to talk to me
"until I find someone new.
(laughter)
(whooping)
"I need you to help me
"break up with you.
"And here's the rules of space.
"Here's the rules.
"If I'm feeling lonely and missing you,
"I can text you any time I want.
"But if I'm out with my girlfriends
"trolling for new (bleep), don't call me,
'cause I currently need some space right now."
Girls, you got it easier, man.
You got your girlfriends to help you through.
We don't have anybody, dude.
'Cause you got to be a man at all times,
you know what I mean?
You can't show any vulnerability to your boys.
You just gotta swallow that pain meatball all to yourself.
Can't talk to anyone.
You'll try to talk to strangers, though.
You ever...
you ever find yourself in a bar
just veering stranger conversation
into breakup advice?
You're like, "Man, the Knicks, dude.
"They can't hit a shot.
"They are missing everything.
"Have you ever missed anybody?
"Do you know what that's like, to miss people?
"Can you just tell me what this text means, real quick?
"It's been an hour.
Is she playing games with me?"
Finally, the pain's too much, dude.
You break down.
You gotta call one of your friends.
You're like, "Look, man, I need...
"I need to talk to somebody, man.
"Just... can you please walk me through this? I...
I really need some help."
But your boys got nothing for you, do they?
Every guy just says the same thing.
"(bleep) that bitch. That's..."