AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL GOT UP EARLY THIS MORNING, BUT THE
TONY AWARDSES WERE ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING.
I LOVE MUSICALS, THEY ARE THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN SEE PEOPLE
BREAK INTO SONG FOR NO REASON OUTSIDE OF A CARLY FIORINA
SPEECH.
THE FRONTRUNNER, OF COURSE, IS "HAMILTON," WHICH GOT A RECORD
16 TONY NOMINATIONS.
HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL HELP THEM SELL SOME TICKETS.
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET INTO
"HAMILTON?
( APPLAUSE ) I'LL START.
I'LL START.
>> Jon: I LIKE "HAMILTON."
>> Stephen: THEM, TOO.
UPON HEARING THAT HAMILTON WAS THE INEVITABLE WINNER, TED CRUZ
ANNOUNCED: "I AM RUNNING FOR A TONY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) I THINK IF HAMILTON WERE ALIVE
TODAY, HE'D SAY, "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STATES?
WHAT ARE THESE HORSELESS CARRIAGES?
MY GOD, PEOPLE ARE SO TALL NOW!" ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH TONYS.
LET'S GET TO SOME REAL NEWS: I...
LOVE...
FASHION!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE LAST NIGHT WAS ANNA
WINTOUR'S ANNUAL MET GALA AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART.
THE MET GALA IS LIKE RICH PEOPLE HALLOWEEN.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE DRESSES UP, AND INSTEAD
OF CANDY, YOU GET TO TAKE HOME A MONET.
THIS YEAR THE MET GAL AFS SPONSORED BY APPLE, AND THE
THEME WAS "FASHION IN THE AGE OF
TECHNOLOGY."
SO THERE WAS LOTS OF SILVER AND MIRRORS, ZAYN MALICK FROM ONE
DIRECTION HAD ROBOT ARMS, AND MADONNA HAD A BARE ASS.
LORD KNOWS WHAT TECHNOLOGY GOES INTO MAINTAINING THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BEST OF ALL:
I...
WAS...
INVITED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY WIFE, EVIE, LOOKED AMAZING IN
ZAC POSEN, AND I SLAYED THE RED CARPET IN HUGO BOSS BLACK TIE
AND GAP TIGHTY WHITIES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE ENTERED THE PARTY RIGHT
BEHIND THE BEAUTIFUL CLAIRE DANES, WHO WORE THE MOST
STUNNING DRESS OF THE NIGHT, A ZAC POSEN GOWN MADE FROM CUSTOM
FIBER OPTIC WOVEN INTO ORGANZA.
IT LITERALLY GLOWED.
THE INSPIRATION FOR THE DRESS EVIDENTALLY WAS TO MAKE IT EASY
FOR HER UBER DRIVER TO FIND HER.
AND THE GENTLEMEN DO THE FASHION-- YOU DO THE FASHION,
JON.
THE GENTLEMEN DID THE FASHION LAST NIGHT.
KANYE WEST WENT HIGH TECH BY STAYING UP ALL NIGHT WITH A
BEDAZZLER, EVIDENTLY.
KAROLINA KURKOVA WORE A DRESS THAT WAS CO-DESIGNED BY I.B.M.'S
WATSON, CONNECTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA, AND COVERED WITH LIGHT-UP
FLOWERS WHOSE COLORS CHANGED ACCORDING TO PEOPLE'S TWEETS.
SO THE DRESS WAS MOSTLY THE COLOR OF PEOPLE WHO ARE FURIOUS
ABOUT THE "GHOSTBUSTERS" REBOOT.
ANOTHER BIG SHOWSTOPPER: BEYONCE, WHO WORE A RUBBER DRESS
THAT WAS BEADED, FOR HER PLEASURE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S IMPORTANT.
AND BEYONCE'S SISTER SOLANGE WAS THERE, RADIANT IN A DRESS THAT
JUST SCREAMED "I AM GOING TO PUNCH JAYZ IN THE THE FACE.
ANOTHER REASON TO WEAR THE RUBBER BECAUSE YOU CAN JUST HOSE
IT OFF.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: HEY, I DIDN'T MAKE IT UP.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST OPULENT AND GLAMOROUS NIGHT IMAGINABLE.
IT MADE THE OSCARS RED CARPET LOOK LIKE AFTER-WORK DRINKS AT
P.F. CHANGS.
NOW, ONE THING ABOUT THE MET GALA IS THAT YOU ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TAKE PICTURES ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE AND HUSH-HUSH,
SWEET CHARLOTTE ABOUT WHAT WE DO.
SO I WILL HONOR THAT CODE, BECAUSE I WANT TO GO BACK NEXT
YEAR.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT FOR COCKTAIL HOUR, WE ALL MAY HAVE
RIDDEN IRIDESCENT CRYSTAL DRONE BUTTERFLIES.
DINNER MIGHT HAVE BEEN HUMMINGBIRDS THAT
FLY DIRECTLY INTO YOUR MOUTH, AND AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT,
WE ALL PUT ON WOLF MASKS AND DOVE INTO THE FLESH PIT.
YOU HAVE TO TIME THAT RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FIRST IN THE FLESH PIT.
YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL A FROTH BUILDS UP.
YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.
EVERYBODY FALLS ON TOP OF YOU.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL EVENING.
IT IN NO WAY WAS DIMINISHED BY THE NAGGING FEELING THAT AT
ANY MOMENT THE 99% WERE GOING TO CRASH IN AND LINE US UP AGAINST
THE WALL, BECAUSE AS I FACED MY DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE FIRING
SQUAD, I KNOW I'D BE THINKING, "IT WAS WORTH IT!"
BECAUSE I MET DEMI LOVATO.
BUT IN OUR DEFENSE, THE MET GALA IS ALL FOR CHARITY.
AND I HOPE THEY RAISED ENOUGH MONEY SO MR. MET CAN FINALLY GET
THE CRANIAL SURGERY HE SO DESPERATELY NEEDS.