Translator: Giorgia Zanfardin Reviewer: Rhonda Jacobs
Lately, how often have you heard:
"We can't say anything anymore.
We used to laugh about it, now everyone gets offended."
This is flawed thinking:
thinking that no one got offended before.
Thinking that if something was unseen before, but now is out there,
it didn't exist.
It has actually always been there,
it just couldn't manifest before.
I'm sorry for what I'm about to say.
I'll be straightforward but only because I want to be clear.
You couldn't say "faggot" even in the 80s.
Same goes for the n-word or "whore."
When sensitivity grows on some topics,
it's because now, finally, we can hear those people's voices
who have always been sensitive to those topics.
In the past the only voices you could hear belonged to people with power -
let's admit it, not women, not black people,
not the LGBT community - lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and more.
This is because it was who had the power
who decided if and when to turn the microphones on,
and so you could only hear the same voices over and over.
Now, with the internet, each one of us has a microphone,
each one of us can potentially speak to the entire word.
That's how on Twitter,
a powerless person's thought trends
because he has the power to say it.
That's how a video of a minority that says, "Things are not OK"
goes viral.
That's how a business releases a sexist, homophobic or racist commercial, and fails
because millions of voices whispering that "things are not OK"
get really loud when microphoned.
You may think that to avoid such slip-ups,
you just need to know the rules of the game.
"OK, we can't say this word anymore,
and we need to tone this stereotype down.
It's full of guys here, can someone bring a woman? A random one.
It's better if she's not white, so we look inclusive.
Come on guys, you know how this works."
And yet, there is someone who has the power,
who knows these rules of the game,
who still happens to offend a minority.
And he apologizes,
without fully understanding what he's apologizing for,
but at least he does.
If it goes bad, he plays the we-can't-say-anything-anymore card,
trying to be the victim.
You know why this happens?
Because it's not enough to just know the rules of the game,
because they are ruled by other rules.
If we want to move forward,
we have to know the three rules of the rules of the game.
Rule number one:
if something is not about you, you don't make the rules.
Meaning that it's not a white person who decides what racism is;
it's not a heterosexual who decides what homophobia is;
it's not a man who decides what sexism is.
Often, I've heard some black friends of mine
complaining about topics that were not-at-all problematic to me.
"Have you seen the fundraising campaign for Africa?
It's so demeaning."
My brain went haywire.
"What do you mean 'demeaning'?
It's a fundraiser campaign for Africa. They give money to Africa."
"That celebrity
that keeps on posting pictures of her with black children in villages,
when will she drop it?"
"Sorry, what do you mean, When will she drop it?
This person is loaded with money, could spend her life on vacation.
Instead she goes there to help and you say, 'When does she drop it?'"
This first reaction is normal.
We feel like it's crazy-talking.
And it actually is.
It is crazy-talking, to us, if we're white.
To us, such things are positive,
so when we hear a black person complaining about them,
it's easy to think that that person is too sensitive, ungrateful even.
This happens when we forget rule number one:
if something is not about you, you don't make the rules.
It's not a white person who decides what racism is
because it's difficult to recognize racism if you're not a victim of it,
because you're not trained to see it.
It took me a while, but then I started trusting this rule
and instead of saying, "You're crazy," I started asking, "Why?"
Why is the fundraising campaign for Africa demeaning?
Why should the celebrity who posts pictures on Instagram
of her with black kids in villages drop it?
(Laughs)
The fundraising campaign for Africa
is demeaning because it narrates Africa in one way only:
a continent that all looks the same, where they can't save themselves.
It's demeaning because it exploits black bodies
to pity people
for those two minutes necessary
to send a text and donate one euro.
But it doesn't inspire any kind of cultural change.
It doesn't push Africa forward, and it doesn't push us forward either.
The celebrity who posts on Instagram
pictures of her with black kids in villages
needs to drop it because she's acting as white savior.
"There she is: look at this angel from the sky who came to help us.
She's so pure, look, she could be anywhere but she's here instead."
And it doesn't matter if we have no idea where "here" is,
and it doesn't matter if we have no clue
of who the local professionals are -
who work hard every day to improve the situation from the inside,
and who'll keep on doing it
even when the spotlights are gone
because the spotlights follow her, not them.
Boom.
How many things I never thought of before!
How many women have we called cold
because they didn't laugh at one of our jokes?
How many people in the LGBT community
have we stereotyped as "too sensitive"
just because they didn't go to the cinema to see that movie
that pictures them as comic devices?
Think about how many things we could have learned
if only we had known before
that the rules of the game, when it is not about us,
are not ours to make.
If we only had asked, "Why?"
Rule number two:
if you want to play, you must follow the rules.
The one thing that made me fight the most in my life
is the streak of +2 and +4 that happen whenever I play UNO.
The game card, you know?
I play a +2 and you draw two cards.
No way you play another +2 to force me to draw four cards.
Now, you can't do it.
And you can't do it
because in every UNO deck there is a rule sheet.
One of the rules
is that if you get a +2, you draw two cards and skip your turn.
In no way can we start this chain letter or +2 and +4:
you can't do it.
And I don't want to hear, "Well, that's how I play,"
because then, what are rules for?
And then, let's suppose you want to change them -
I don't get why since the rules are made by who makes the game -
you have to state it beforehand.
You can't decide it mid game and expect me to get on board with it.
Out of metaphor.
When we meet a person of the LGBT community,
and we use the term "faggot,"
we can't expect them to be OK with it.
Because "faggot" is an insult, and it should not be used in any case.
Some gay friends of mine call one another "faggot."
This used to confused me at first: "Is it wrong only if I use it?"
given that some people don't even like it inside the community.
But anyway, one thing is if it's a gay guy who says it, it's to disempower the term.
"You wanted to insult me with that word?
You're wasting your time; I already called myself that."
Another thing is if I, who doesn't belong to that community,
claims the right to use that word just because "my friends do it,"
or, "Some gay friends of mine aren't bothered when I use it."
When I'm with mom and dad we have the rule that it's OK to add a +2 and a +4,
but when I play with someone else,
I don't assume that that rule -
which is actually an exception -
is OK for someone else too.
This works in bigger terms too.
For example,
in the making of products, movies and songs for the LGBT community.
They are all made a certain way.
Now, if the LGBT community tells you that that way is not OK,
you can only change it.
Or,
you could find shelter in the old overdone excuse,
"My heart was in the right place."
Having your heart in the right place doesn't work for one simple reason:
rule number three.
It's not enough to have your heart in the right place.
This is the most difficult rule of all.
Because when you do something for someone,
it's hard to accept that that thing might not be OK,
or damaging, even,
for the person you did it for.
There is a difference that might not be clear
but it's crucial to understand this thought.
Intention and consequences
don't always correspond.
Picture this.
You meet a long lost friend
and you tell her,
"You look so good, you've lost a lot of weight."
And she goes,
"Well, yes, I've lost some weight
because I'm not particularly fine lately.
I actually hoped it wasn't so obvious."
Ouch.
Your intention was to compliment her,
because saying, "You look slimmer" is still considered a compliment -
we'd need a whole other TED Talk about it.
The consequences -
(Applause)
The consequences are a disaster.
Does this make us sadistic monsters who like to see other people suffering?
Of course not.
But the fact that we didn't mean to hurt her is not enough
because, in fact, she is hurting anyway.
Yes, we didn't know it, it's not our fault.
But it still is our responsibility
because it's us who said such a thing, even with our heart in the right place.
How do we leave this loop?
We apologize.
Saying, "I really didn't mean to bring back such hurtful memories.
In fact, if there is something I can to do make you feel better,
I'd gladly do it.
Really, I'm sorry."
Same thing happens when a man,
trying to compliment a woman,
ends up harrassing her.
Just the other day, I was looking at my Instagram messages.
I found one from a guy saying how pretty I was
and how much he liked my full lips.
Now, I don't know this guy's intent.
I want to be optimistic, thinking that it was his way of complimenting me.
But I felt truly uncomfortable.
It was morning, I had just taken my phone,
and the first thing I had to see
was this message from a stranger.
It felt like an invasion of my privacy.
"Why are you saying this to me? Why do you think I care?"
If you're a man,
talk with the women of your life.
They will all have such stories to tell you.
And lots of them use the same words:
"I felt dirty, guilty,
accountable, shameful."
Do you understand that good intentions are not enough?
If a woman tells you, "I felt uncomfortable,"
your "I didn't mean to" only serves to let her know your intention,
it doesn't make you immune from critics.
Yet, every time such things happen
in private and in public,
it's always the same rigmarole.
"My heart was in the right place,
so if you felt uncomfortable, it's your problem
because you're too sensitive."
Well, not really.
If you want to be useful to another person,
you have to assume
that that person knows better than you on this.
You have to trust his or her words.
And if you make a mistake - and humans make mistakes -
you apologize and try again.
If you care about playing this game.
If you don't, you can suggest another game.
One where you make the rules, you change them as you like,
and if you lose, you cancel the game.
But then you have to find someone willing to play with you.
Good luck.
Thank you.
(Applause)