Settle down children, it’s time for a story!
But parents be warned, it gets kind of gory...
In a land far away lived a child named Sam Who liked running and jumping and strawberry jam
But Sam was an odd one, to all this was clear
For their Christmas wish was the same every year
“I want to kill Santa!”, Sam said with a roar,
“When I find that fruitcake! you bet he’s done for”
“I’ll bash him and smash him and chop off his head”
Yes, as you can see, Sam wanted him dead
One year Sam laid traps all over the roof With landmines built-in to make Santa go POOF
And last year the chimney was filled up with knives
“Yet somehow,” Sam grumbled, “he always survives!”
But this was the year that Sam knew what to get:
A new rocket launcher off the Internet!
Straight out of the sky Santa’s sleigh will be blown
Hey kids, please remember, don’t try this at home
‘Twas the night before Christmas, Sam jumped up and down
Because they knew that Santa was coming to town
“This is the year Santa Claus will expire!”
A bleep on the radar? Well, “Ready! Aim! FIRE!”
The BOOM that came after lit up the night sky
Both reindeer and presents rained down from on-high
Sam ran to the crash site to witness the carnage But what they found there was nothing but garbage
“A robot! A fake!” It was all just a trick!
Sam had been fooled by a decoy Saint Nick
But maybe this scrap and what’s left of the sleigh. Could help Sam build something to chase down their prey!
The super-speed holly-copter powered by coal Took to the skies headed towards the North Pole
But before Sam could even get halfway from home
They had a strange feeling they were not alone
It's Tinsel and Bauble, the jet-packing elves!
“You’ll never reach Santa, we’ll stop you ourselves!”
“We’ll make you die hard and we’ll do it with glee”
“You’re about to be lit up like a Christmas tree!”
Sam steered into Bauble and chopped him in two
And out came his guts made of glitter and glue
“You turkey!” yelled Tinsel “You murdered my bro!”
She locked on to Sam and launched her Missile-Toe
PEW! WHOOSH! and ZOOM!
The holly-copter went BOOM!
Sam leapt from the flames to avoid certain doom
Then grabbed onto Tinsel and gave her a thwack “Oi, Elf,” Sam demanded, “Give me your jet-pack!”
Sam stayed in the air thanks to Tinsel’s “donation”
Onto the North Pole and their festive location. When finally Sam saw a sight they knew well
“The Grotto! Now let’s blow it to jingle bell!”
With the mightiest BLAM Sam kicked down the door
And charged right inside, armed and ready for war
“Hey Santa, you cracker!, I’m inside your house!”
But not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Icicles formed and the door frame was blocked The room soon froze over but Sam was not shocked
They stood firm by the fireplace, refusing to flee
“I know who you are so come out and face me!”
Mist cleared to reveal the spine-chilling Ice Queen
“My my, what a horrible child you have been” She magically summoned an ice sword and said
“Let’s see what you look like without that big head”
The Queen swung her sword but it smashed when she missed
Her teeth all fell out when her face met Sam’s fist
But pinned to the wall with an icicle dart Sam was trapped as the Queen went straight for their heart
Though stabbed in the chest, Sam’s eyes simply rolled
For our hero’s heart was already ice cold “Oh Frost!” the Queen whimpered as fear
crossed her face Before Sam shoved her into the hot fireplace
While melting alive, she made one guarantee “You’ll never find the underground factory!”
The Ice Queen was soon a just puddle of water And Sam knew where next to continue the slaughter
Sam grabbed an axe and then walloped the floor Until the ground broke when it could take no more
Down into darkness Sam tumbled and fell
Hoping this was the place where old Santa would dwell
Sam landed, SMASH!
But in a turn of events They’d fallen on top of a sack of presents
A massive toy workshop!
“This must be the place!”
But there was no sign of life, not even a trace
With a whip and a crack, Sam suddenly froze. The elves had thrown Christmas lights from the shadows
Then out of the darkness, a mighty voice boomed
“You shouldn’t have come, child. Now you are doomed.”
Santa marched forward with a huge candy cane Just the sight of that monster drove Sam quite insane.
“I’ll kill you, you eggnog! It’s gonna be violent!”
As Sam’s voice rang out, the whole factory fell silent
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Violence? Well, if you insist!
I’ll just have to strike you off my naughty list”
A laser gun sprang out of Kris Kringle’s staff
“Just like Christmas crackers, I’ll tear you in half!”
Things weren’t looking good and Sam had to think quick
They used all their might as the trigger went “click”
Sam yanked on the Christmas light whips hard and fast
Throwing all of the elves right in front of the blast
The elves all exploded with a high-pitched “oh no”
Their glittery elf guts fell down just like snow
While Santa plucked body parts out of his beard
He suddenly realised, Sam had disappeared
“You killed my parents!”
Sam cried out with hatred “You clogged the chimney and they suffocated”
“It’s your fault, you yule log! so what do you say
To the child whose family you took away?”
He thought for a moment but then said with cheer
“Oh, so what? That happens a few times a year!”
“It’s simply a blunder, an easy mistake” “So your parents died, don’t be such a snowflake!”
But just then a light lasso caught Santa’s foot
And wrapped ‘round his legs so he had to stay put
Sam strapped on the jet-pack and then waved bye-bye
As Santa Claus rocketed into the sky
Sam loaded their axe in the candy cane gun And aimed to the sky, to avenge dad and mum
“It looks like my wish is about to come true”
They fired the canon and up the axe flew
The rocket-pack burst with a mighty explosion And Santa fell down in what felt like slow motion
But he came to a stop before hitting the ground
It’s atop the North Pole where his bones can be found
Taking a seat upon Kris Kringle’s throne Sam took the name Santa in place of their own
They spoke to the elves and made one thing quite clear
Christmas would work differently after this year
No more naughty lists or poor parents departed So that no other child would grow up cold hearted
From now on they’d make sure to do all things right
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night