How important is communication in a marriage? I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all about
relationships, communication, self-government and that is the question that I am answering today.
In this video, I'm gonna be talking about how communication impacts a marriage and then
what we can do to improve our communication in marriage because if you might not have guessed,
communication is very important for a healthy successful marriage. Communication is the big
stabilizer for marriage so when you're asking how important is it, it is like way important. I mean
there are other things that are really important too such as maybe your belief system, your morals,
being on the same page with stuff like that but do you know that if you have a difference, maybe say
political difference of opinion or something like that, it's the communication that's going to
stabilize you and carry you through even if you don't get along on every single point. So, of
course, we want to be on the same moral page with our spouses if we can but I do know that in this
day and age, sometimes people that start together on the same page are now not on the same page
about a lot of things. This is a real thing that couples are dealing with so if you can improve
your communication, guess what happens? Even if you don't agree on everything you used to agree about
at least you can discuss it and you can still feel bonded together. But here's the other thing.
Once you start focusing on communicating in a really healthy way, which means that you would
be understanding to other people and that you would really be listening to what they have to say,
lots of times you end up coming back to that mid-ground where you did agree before.
So, sometimes we get a little bit selfish in our communication and this starts to damage
all of our connection in our marriage and it can actually lead to broken relationships and divorce.
In fact, bad communication is one of the number 1 causes for divorce. So, why do people end up
not communicating with each other? Well, it's because they start putting their attention
on other things. Maybe it's projects, maybe it's work, maybe it's their device or some game or their
desire to exercise, I know that seems like a good thing but there are some people who were exercised
for so many hours in a day that they actually don't end up with a lot of time to bond
with their spouse. Sometimes people will spend all of their time with their children and
never dedicate any time to their spouse. So, we have to make sure that we are not
disconnecting from each other in order to have good communication. So, this leads me to what
creates good communication. Before I get to my tips for how to improve your communication in marriage,
hit the subscribe button now because this channel is jam-packed full of information all about
relationships and self-government that you are not going to want to miss. It will help you in so many
other ways that will add on to what we're talking about today. In order to improve your relationship
with your spouse, you need to have a plan for how you are going to communicate with each other.
My daughter recently got married and she sat down with her husband and with me
and said mom, can you counsel us a little bit on what we need to do or how we need to prepare so
that we have a successful marriage? So, I said sure. I said well, let's talk about problem solving first
because we've got to make sure that when you're communicating with each other, that you both
understand what the other person is trying to say because if you don't have a plan for communication,
you'll revert back to emotion and then that's when you sometimes get abusive to the other
person because you start emotionally vomiting on them instead of having a good deep conversation
about the emotional problem, the trauma, the concern or something which would be much more healthy.
So, I talked with them about creating a plan. They created a plan for how they wanted to
show affection to each other and made sure that each other was good with how they were going to
communicate affectionately with each other. They also made a plan for what they would do and say
with each other to start addressing a problem. So, one of the key things that they decided was
going to be good for them and is something that I also do with my husband is I say something like I
have something I need to talk about or I have some criticism that I need to share. Are you
open right now to accepting criticism? So, making sure that the person knows I'm going to share
something that needs to be discussed, it's a problem that I've noticed. Are you ready to handle
the problem? So, giving them just a little minute to get themselves prepared to listen to what I have
to say so that they don't jump on the defensive automatically. This can be huge for a relationship.
When I say to my husband I have a problem that needs to be discussed and it involves you, are you
ready to discuss a problem right now and for him to get that quick second to go am I? Can I discuss?
Yes, I have the skills. I know how to do this, so then we discuss and everything turns out fine.
Now, what during this discussion, it is important that another person does not lecture or unload
too long on another person when they are sharing the problem but they try to get right to the point
and while they're sharing the concern, they are giving that other person the benefit of the doubt.
So, when you are explaining a problem, do not think of the other person as the bad girl
or the bad guy but instead think to yourself they don't know what they don't know, I'm going
to explain it, we're going to come to a new plan for how we can handle this. There's always a way
through this. Sometimes when we get trapped in our emotions, we think there's no way through something
but there always is a way if we take time to discuss and really come to understanding. One of
the things that we can do to come to understanding is we can utilize a skill called disagreeing
appropriately. So, in my teaching self-government parenting course and in some of my books and
materials for parenting, I talk about teaching this skill to children but this is not a skill just for
children. So, learning to disagree appropriately with another person is just a life skill. Everyone
needs it. It leads to diplomacy, it leads to action that can happen in a positive unified way. So, what
are the steps to disagreeing appropriately? When a person disagrees appropriately with another person,
they give them a little bit of a warning like i need to disagree appropriately about something
or I would like to disagree appropriately with you about that statement that you just made. So,
they look at the person or the situation, they keep a calm face, voice and body then they say that they
understand the other person's point of view. So, I would say just now you shared this statement
with me and then I would share my point of view. When you shared that statement, it didn't
seem very calm, it kind of seemed like it was a personal attack. I'm sure you didn't mean that
but could we discuss that a little bit more so that I know what you really mean and that
I could help you with a problem instead of just immediately feeling attacked by what was just said
and then listen to what the other person has to say and then say okay or have further discussion
and then once the discussion is over, drop the subject. This means that we don't walk down the
hall and think I've just got to go have my own space, I just need to get away from that person.
No. Even if you don't come to a place where you completely agree, you can say but do I need to
let it ruin my day or decrease the bond that I have with my spouse and usually the answer is no.
Usually the topic is not that big of a deal. If it is a huge deal, it is important to seek
maybe somebody else to help mediate so that you can for sure get to a conclusion. This is where
sometimes therapy comes in or going to a loving family member which historically has been the
way throughout all the generations of time until this current generation that people have sought
for mediation or answers to their problems that they couldn't solve on their own . They went to
grandma, they went to grandpa ,they went to their parents, people who had been down that road before
and sought their wisdom. So, think about doing that if there is something that you feel like is that
important and you've got to come to a decision on it, you can't drop the subject because it's
going to be toxic otherwise or something like that then definitely seek further help and insight for
some from somebody else. So, communication is the stabilizer, don't forget that. It will help you be
stable no matter what happens in your relationship. You could lose all your money, you could lose your
job, you could have a child die or become sicker something could happen in that relationship that
is unexpected but if you can communicate with each other, then you can bond and you can become stable
no matter what, that's what we need. So, one thing that me and my husband adopted doing
years ago was having a couple's meeting. We would have this couple's meeting every single week, we
decided to have them on Sunday afternoons after we were done with church and we would get together
and discuss our schedule, we would discuss our couple relationship, any needs that the family had
we would discuss the children, we still to this day do this meeting on a regular basis. We don't just
let a lot of things just happen willy-nilly, we talk about them and when we have those discussions,
it makes our actions more unified. We work together better. If I need help in the yard or if he needs
help with a project, he brings it up in the couple's meeting and then I'm there to help
when it's needed so that there isn't the nagging or the assumptions that somebody doesn't care.
We also planned in our couples meeting for how we would correct each other in front of
the children without letting the children know that maybe 1 parent was reining another one
in, so you can create all kinds of things in those discussions that you have one-on-one as a couple. I
have just scratched the surface here on the couple relationship and as you are probably seeing the
couple relationship is very closely linked to how the relationships with the children pan out.
So, if you can create a good bonding connection in that couple relationship good communication there,
your chances of communicating better and having better bonds with the other family members go
way, way up. So, I would like to give you a gift. It's completely free and it's a course it's called The
Calm Parenting toolkit. It's a mini course that you can go through with 10 lessons and will help you
learn the skills of calm communication. If you can be calm in your communications with your spouse
and with your family members, then you can get to that good communication that deeper understanding
better. It's when we don't know how to get calm that we feel like communication is such a struggle.
So, go to The Calm Parenting toolkit and get the help you need. There is a link below this video,
I think it's the top link, it says something about toolkit in it. TSG Calm toolkit or Calm Parenting
toolkit, something like that. Go to that link and click it now you can have the Calm Parenting
toolkit for free and it will start you on the path to better communication and improved relationships.