SPEAKING OF STUPID AND MADMEN, DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THE LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE HAS PROVEN
HIMSELF NOTORIOUSLY UNPREDICTABLE, EXCEPT TO HIS
BUTLER IT TURNS OUT, WHO RECENTLY IN THE "NEW YORK
TIMES," REVEALED HIS SECRET WARDROBE-BASED SYSTEM FOR
READING TRUMP'S MOODS.
TURNS OUT IN THE MORNING, "MR. TRUMP WOULD
EMERGE IN KHAKIS, A WHITE GOLF GOLF SHIRT, AND BASEBALL CAP.
IF THE CAP WAS WHITE, THE STAFF NOTICED, THE BOSS WAS IN A GOOD
MOOD.
IF IT WAS RED, IT WAS BEST TO STAY AWAY.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "CAP OF WHITE, FRIEND IN SIGHT.
CAP OF RED, WE'RE ALL DEAD."
STILL UNCLEAR WHAT IT MEANS WHEN TRUMP WEARS THAT HAY-COVERED
SWIM CAP.
NEUTRAL.
AND I'M GUESSING HE'S GOING TO BE WEARING THE RED HAT ALL WEEK,
BECAUSE HE'S HAD A ROUGH ONE.
FIRST, HE UPSET A LOT OF PEOPLE BY TWEETING THIS UNFLATTERING
COMPARISON BETWEEN HIS WIFE MELANIA AND TED CRUZ'S WIFE
HEIDI.
SOME SAY THIS IS NOT PRESIDENTIAL
BEHAVIOR, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET THE ELECTION OF 1860, WHEN
THE STEPHEN DOUGLAS CAMPAIGN COMPARED MARY TODD LINCOLN
UNFAVORABLY TO a SHEEP IN HEAT.
THAT'S HISTORY.
THAT'S-- WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS UP.
THAT'S HISTORY.
LAST NIGHT DONALD TRUMP HAD TO ANSWER FOR THAT RETWEET AT A
TOWN HALL, WHEN HE WAS GRILLED BY CNN CORRESPONDENT AND THE
LEGOLAS OF CABLE NEWS, ANDERSON COOPER.
>> AFTER SAYING THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT
HEIDI CRUZ, YOU REPEATED UNFLATTERING PICTURE OF HER NEXT
TO A PICTURE OF YOUR WIFE.
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE PICTURE OF HEIDI.
>> COME ON.
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS FINE.
SHE'S A PRETTY WOMAN.
>> YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T START IT.
>> SIR, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THAT'S THE ARGUMENT OF A
5-YEAR-OLD.
>> I DIDN'T START IT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
>> THE ARGUMENT OF A 5-YEAR-OLD IS "HE STARTED IT."
>> EXCUSE HE.
YOU WOULD SAY THAT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH OUR COUNTRY.
>> EVERY PARENT KNOWS A KID WHO SAYS "HE STARTED IT."
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH, EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME, ANDERSON.
YOU WOULD SAY THAT.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, ANDERSON.
BECAUSE, YEAH, TRUMP DOES ACT LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD, AND THAT'S
WHY PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
HE'S NOT COMPLICATED.
IF HE'S ANGRY, HE SHOUTS.
IF HE'S HAPPY, HE WEARS HIS HAPPY HAT.
HE LOVES BUILDING TOWERS, AND HE THINKS GIRLS ARE KIND OF
YUCKIE.
BUT RIGHT NOW, EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY MAY BE THE LEAST OF
TRUMP'S PROBLEMS.
>> DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER UNDER FIRE TONIGHT,
CHARGED WITH BATTERY.
THAT MANAGER, COREY LEWANDOWSKI, TRUMP'S MOST TRUSTED ADVISER,
NOW FACING A CRIMINAL CHARGE.
>> LEWANDOWSKI WAS CHARGED IN FLORIDA WITH WHAT'S CALLED
SIMPLE BATTERY FOR ALLEGEDLY GRABBING THE ARM OF A REPORTER.
>> Stephen: NOW, LEWANDOWSKI AND TRUMP BOTH DENIED THAT HE EVER
TOUCHED THE REPORTER, BUT YESTERDAY, FLORIDA POLICE
RELEASED THIS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE SHOWING THAT HE
ACTUALLY DID.
THIS IS A SHAMEFUL ACT THAT IS SURE TO DERAIL HIS CAMPAIGN
AND TRUMP IS UP 10 POINT IN THE POLLS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON HIS
PLANE YESTERDAY, TRUMP INSISTED THAT HE WOULD STAND BY HIS MAN
>> I KNOW IT WOULD BE VERY EASY FOR ME TO DISCARD PEOPLE.
I DON'T DISCARD PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
HE NEVER DISCARDS ANYONE.
EXCEPT HIS FIRST COUPLE WIVES ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, OF COURSE, THESE PEOPLE.
>> GET HIM OUTTA HEEEERE!
GET HIM OUT.
GET HIM OUTTA HERE.
YEAH, THROW HIM OUT.
THROW HIM OUT TO THE COLD.
GET HIM OUT.
OUT, OUT, OUT.
BRETT YOU'RE FIRED.
SINBAD YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MEATLOAF.
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.
GARY, YOU'RE FIRED.
>> Stephen: LUCKILY, GETTING FIRED GAVE GARY BUSEY MORE
TIME TO PURSUE HIS REAL PASSION, ARGUING WITH SQUIRRELS.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, PLUS, AS FAR AS TRUMP IS
CONCERNED, TRUMP WAS THE ONE IN DANGER.
>> SHE WAS GRABBING ME.
AND JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND, SHE WAS OFF BASE BECAUSE SHE WENT
THROUGH THE SECRET SERVICE.
SHE HAD A PEN IN HER HAND, WHICH SECRET SERVICE IS NOT LIKING
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, WHETHER IT'S A LITTLE BOMB.
>> Stephen: YES, HER PEN, HER PEN COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
BOMB.
AND HER FINGERS COULD HAVE BEEN A GUN.
OR EVEN SIDSORS.
OR SCISSORS.
OR ROCK, OR PAPER, OR A DOG.
WOOF, WOOF!
OR EVEN WORSE, SHE COULD HAVE USED THAT PEN TO WRITE DOWN
SOMETHING HE SAID!
THERE'S NO TELLING HOW MUCH DAMAGE THAT COULD DO.
NOW, WE INVITED DONALD TRUMP ON THE SHOW TO ADDRESS THIS
CONTROVERSY.
DID WE ACTUALLY DO THAT?
DID WE INVITE HIM?
OKAY, I'M GOING TO SAY WE INVITED DONALD TRUMP ON THE SHOW
TO ADDRESS THIS CONTROVERSY, BUT HE WAS BUSY BEING ON EVERY OTHER
CHANNEL ON TELEVISION.
PLUS, I THINK HE'S TURNED INTO A CARTOONISH VERSION OF HIMSELF AT
THIS POINT.
SO INSTEAD, WE INVITED A SLIGHTLY LESS CARTOONISH
VERSION.
PLEASE WELCOME CARTOON DONALD TRUMP.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, CARTOON DONALD TRUMP.
>> THANK YOU STEPHEN.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
HE STARTED IT.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WHO STARTED WHAT?
>> ANYBODY, STEPHEN.
WHATEVER THEY STARTED.
UNLESS IT MAKES AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, IN WHICH CASE, I STARTED
IT.
IT'S VERY EXCITING, THE BEST.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NOW, MR. CARTOON TRUMP, HOW DO YOU
RESPOND TO ANDERSON COOPER COMPARING YOU TO A 5-YEAR-OLD?
>> ANDERSON COOPER IS A DUMB-DUMB.
HE'S A STUPIDHEAD HE'S A TOTAL POOPY-PANTS.
SAD.
>> Stephen: OKAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE SOUNDING A LITTLE
IMMATURE.
>> I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?
>> Stephen: OH COME ON.
YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT.
>> STEPHEN, I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE.
I HAVE A LAWYER, AND I WILL SUE.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE VIDEOTAPE?
IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER GRABBED A
REPORTER ROUGHLY.
>> NO, HE DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: YES HE DID.
>> NO, HE DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: YES HE DID.
>> NO, HE DIDN'T INFINITY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: INFINITY?
THAT'S IT?
IT SETTLES IT.
>> THAT SETTLES IT.
IT TOTALLY SETTLES IT.
I I SETTLED IT IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY.
SHE STARTED IT.
>> Stephen: HOW DID HE START IT?
SHOOEFS HOLDING ONE OF THOSE LITTLE BOMBS?
>> Stephen: LIKE THESE.
>> GET IT AWAY, STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: COME ON, COME ON, IT'S JUST A PEN.
SEE, LOOK.
>> NO!
IT'S A BOMB!
IT'S A BOMB.
GET IT AWAY YOU SADISTIC BASTARD.
GET IT AWAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STEPHEN, YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW MY
FACE OFF.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, I'LL PUT THE BOMB AWAY.
>> OKAY, SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO MAKE PUTIN SAY.
THAT'S THE ART OF THE DEAL.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT EVEN IF YOU GET THE
NOMINATION, MR. TRUMP, ESPECIALLY AFTER
THIS, YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH WOMEN.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO APPEAL TO FEMALE VOTERS?
>> WOMEN ARE EASY.
JON, DROP A BEAT.
♪ HEY, LADIES.
WELCOME TO LADIES NIGHT AT CLUB TRUMP.
SNOW!
COME GET SOME SUGAR.
>> Stephen: CARTOON DONALD TRUMP EVERYBODY!