- Princess Margaret won the evening with this one.
There was a young lady from Dallas,
who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
(people laughing)
- They found her--
- You've made it this far.
(clock ticking)
- They found her vagina in North Carolina.
- And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.
(people laughing)
(camera clicking)
- [Photographer] That's it, try not to smile.
(jazz music)
(upbeat music)
- Oh, I look hideous.
(man groaning)
- What size are you?
- Small.
- Sincerely hope not.
- [Woman] Your royal highness?
- [Princess Margaret] Nope.
- [Woman] Telephone for you.
- [Princess Margaret] Nope.
(upbeat music)
- [Woman] It's the queen.
(upbeat music)
(sighs)
- Coffee?
- No, I was thinking whiskey.
- Margaret is 9 o'clock.
- Yes I know,
but it's not morning.
Things might improve with a drink.
- Everything improves with a drink.
- No blinking, no kissing.
Charles...
(coughs)
(people cheering)
- [Reporter] What are you most looking forward
to in America?
- Liberty.
I've spent my whole life as vice-queen,
except that came out wrong.
I didn't mean I'm a vice-queen.
(upbeat music)
We are being filmed watching television.
The people might watch us watching television
on their own television sets at home.
This really is plummeting new depths of venality.
- Hmm, perfect.
♪ She goes in and out ♪
♪ And in and out ♪
♪ Like she's playing all night ♪
♪ And the music's all right ♪
- [Male Announcer] To those accustomed to the formality
of traditional royal visits,
meeting Princess Margaret has been like going from a black
and white film to wanting color.
(camera clicks)
- Who are you?
- I'm new.
- I'm assuming new is not your name.
- This then led to a drinking contest.
- What?
- Last man standing is the winner.
- Challenge accepted.
- Which in turn led to a limerick contest.
- Limericks?
- Yes ma'am.
- Where's the other one?
The fat one.
- She left ma'am.
Nervous exhaustion.
- There was a young woman from Delaware...
- Who liked to make love...
Liked to make love...
- Delaware, Delaware.
- In her underwear.
A terrible prude.
- She'd never go nude.
- And her bum, hips and tits she would never bare.
(people laughing)
- How do you do?
- With what?
You're perspiring.
- True, I am ma'am.
- I'm sure it was her.
- The thing.
- She has a name you know.
- Yes, and um I hadn't told it,
but I could never remember so I called her the thing.
When I tell you that my husband
is out of the country betraying me
with another woman instead of supporting me,
and condemning him you just sit here
praising him to the sky.
My family, my own flesh and blood,
my birthday.
Your little love notes you leave me everywhere.
How do I loathe thee?
Let me count the ways.
(scoffs)
You look like a dorish manicurist.
You look like a Maltese landlady.
Little rich I think coming from a misshapen cripple.
- Oh yes.
- Pony boy, hoppity hop, hoppity hop.
Overlooked by his mother because he wasn't strong enough
or born enough, an embarrassment.
- For the record I think there are many things
you're good at.
- Name one that's actually meaningful.
- Being a sister.
- You're only (mumbles).
- I'm not.
Of all the people everywhere you are the closest
and most important to me.
And if by doing this you wanted to let me imagine
for one minute what life would be like without you,
you succeeded.
It would be unbearable.
(birds chirping)
- Then we must both carry on.
♪ You've got a smile ♪
♪ A wonderful smile ♪
♪ And a certain little way ♪
(people cheering)
♪ And every time the boys get near me ♪
♪ They look at me and say ♪
(piano music playing)
♪ A red hot mama ♪
♪ Red hot mama ♪
- Well I didn't bring any trunks.
- That was stupid.
- No it wasn't.
- Yes it was.
I just said it was.
- You can't be stupid.
I don't possess any trunks.
- It's not just stupid, that's absurd.
(upbeat music)
Where's the nearest town?
- Oh.
(cars roaring by)
♪ I can say anything faster than you ♪
♪ No you can't ♪
♪ Yes I can ♪
♪ No you can't ♪
- Yes I can.
- No you can't. - Yes I can.
(mumbling)
(people cheering)
- Turn it up, I love this song.
Little bit louder.
(upbeat music)
These please.
- No, these.
I'm paying, I choose.
Try em' on.
(upbeat music)