- I had to start taking something at night because I was
having nightmares as an adult, which is like,
when you get braces at 40, everybody's like,
you're still doing that. It's like, yeah,
I guess it was embarrassing.
And nightmares as an adult are so much worse than nightmares
as a kid. So much worse.
A lot of things are worse as an adult. I think we know that.
Have you guys tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk
lately?
Yeah, it is laughable.
It's impossible.
You can pep yourself up when you're a kid.
Cause you still believe in stuff like Santa and magic and
the government,
like you still think there are forces at work for you.
So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror.
Like you're going to do it because you're great.
And I believe in you and as an adult,
you're just leaning on that sink. Like you're gonna do it.
Cause what other goddamn choice do you have?
You guys try to buy greeting cards for your family
as adults? Can't do that anymore,
too much has happened and Hallmark can't cover it.
When you're a kid, you run into CVS on Father's Day.
Like you're the best dad in the whole world. I'm done!
As an adult,
You walk down that aisle just like you've always been there
for me. Nope!
Thank you for accepting me exactly as I-okay. Try again.
I couldn't have asked for a better, you know what?
Screw this. Excuse me.
Do you guys have any that just say you are my dad.
How about you screwed my mom? You got any of those?
I'll get a blank one. It's fine.
All right. You are a father.
This is a day. Here is a card. Nailed it.
When you have a nightmare as a kid,
you can run somewhere for comfort.
You can go to your parents.
Like I had a dream that there was a werewolf and a vampire
in my hands was snakes. And they're like, you're an idiot.
Go back to sleep. None of that's real. Why did we have you?
And you're like, oh, okay, awesome.
As an adult, you wake up from nightmares.
Like I had a dream that there was an earthquake and I got
cancer and you cheated on me and everybody's like, oh yeah,
that'll probably happen.
They're not even dreams. They're just premonitions.
So I started taking these edibles at night.
These little chocolate covered blueberries because if I'm
going to be a drug addict, I'm going to have a treat.
And
when I started taking them,
I was so nervous about becoming a druggie that I would cut
them in half and then just nibble on half
until I got sleepy.
Do you know how afraid of your own personality you have to
be to be hunched over one blueberry,
the smallest of the fruits
with a plastic knife from Taco Bell.
Just like, ooh, be careful.
You don't want to be fun to hang out with.
I've never been drunk.
Cause I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic.
The only times I've ever wanted to drink are alone in the
LaQuinta Inn
and I'm told that's when you're not supposed to do it.
So I stay away from the stuff.
I have been pulled over for drunk driving, completely sober,
which is a great way to find out that you're a terrible
driver.
When cops are stopping you on the highway, like,
are you wasted? And you're like, nah, officer,
that was my best.
That cop didn't believe me either. He just kept hounding me.
He's like, how much have you had to drink?
How much have you had? How much have you had?
And finally it was just like, no, officer.
You don't understand. I'm not drunk.
I've never been drunk. I don't even know how.
I'm a little sad.
Is there a sad driving test?
I think they should have one,
like instead of a breathalyzer,
they just have you sigh into a harmonica.
And if it's on pitch, like out of the car, Johnny Cash,
can't have you on the road.
- People don't realize when you grow up poor,
you don't learn how to eat right.
Cause it's not about eating right. It's about eating.
People don't get that. When I was a kid,
I was raised on McDonald's. Cause that shit was like cheap.
You know?
I mean single mom McDonald's.
Dude, the McRib came back more times than my dad.
You know what I mean?
I say that in every city in case he's out there.
Back when I was growing up,
you could feed a family of four back in the day for like 20
bucks, family of four 20 bucks.
But if you want to make a salad at home, boom,
a thousand dollars.
I went to Whole Foods. My God,
that store should have layaway. What the fuck are we doing
at Whole Foods?
I walked in like, they're like, can I help you?
I'm like, no, I'm just here to visit my tomatoes.
Thank you.
I think I'm going to get them out next week.
I'm really excited.
I'm buying eggplant. They're checking my credit.
Started walking around the store. They were having a sale.
Ooh, Ooh.
A sale at Whole Foods.
Six bucks for a pint of strawberries because they're organic
Six bucks, I was like ho ho ho ho
That's a lot of money, man.
I'm sorry for that much money, shit,
you better show me a picture of white people picking that
fruit.
Forget Jose and Maria, man.
I want Becky and Brian out in the field.
That healthy food is so expensive.
And how do they justify it? How do they justify it?
Now they tell you the life story of every animal you're
about to eat at the store.
You walk down the aisle. It's like ancestry.com for cows.
Every animal has its story.
Oh this milk is hormone-free. This beef is grass fed.
This chicken is cage-free.
Fuck, these animals had a better childhood than I did.
I grew up in the hood. I had bars in my window,
but this chicken was cage-free.
Oh okay!
- My friend that I financially support had a kid.
So I'm a dad.
Yeah. I wasn't exactly ready for it.
He gave me a call. He was all excited.
He was like, yo bro, I got great news.
I was like, you got a job?
And he was like, no, bro.
I had a kid. And I was like, wow.
That's like the exact opposite of a job.
I can't wait to have a kid. I'm very excited.
I don't think it's very hard at all.
No, because all my friends are having them and,
and their complaints, they don't bother me very much.
All their complaints are the same.
They're like, bro, it cries.
And I'm like, Aw man, go in the other room.
Yeah. Everything cries.
You know, you try to make it stop and then you leave.
I cry all the time. Eventually my friend's like, yo dude,
I got to go to work. I don't know. Fuck it.
Figure it out. Get offline.
So that they say it cries.
And the other complaint is they're like, yo,
it like shits all the time.
And that doesn't really bother me either. Because like,
you know, so do I, you know,
so I don't mind cleaning it up like a smaller scale,
you know? Plus when you clean kids,
sometimes you see spots that like you might've missed on
yourself, you know?
Yeah. You know, you're like, wow,
I've never seen my asshole from this angle before.
You're like, I will dab that corner
when I hop out the shower.
Hop out the shower, you're like son of a bitch.
I love babysitting.
Cause I microdose mushrooms. So I speak baby.
Yeah. I love it.
That talking, you know that the other day my,
my nephew was like, nah.
And I was like, Forensic Files. Got it.
So mushrooms are great. Mushrooms are like,
like kind of like being on a rollercoaster when you're
like going up, but like you just never go down.
It's just the way up. You know, where you're like
this is sick! This is awesome!
I can't believe we're doing this! Oh my God!
For like four hours.
- When I was in fourth grade,
I realized I was poor because I was a really big fan of
New Kids on the Block. Loved them. Right.
I couldn't afford to see them in concert. Right.
So I had this fantasy when I was a kid,
you know that I was going to meet them and they were going
to fall in love with me. Right.
Like no joke you guys, this was the fantasy fourth grade.
I was going to be the maid on their tour bus.
And I was going to clean things so good that they were going
to fall in love with me.
Like in my head,
I thought they were going to get on the tour bus and they
were going to be like, oh my God,
who made that bed right there? You know what I mean?
Oh my God, this tour bus is so clean.
Who made that bed right there?
Who made that bed right there.
You know?
Like, yes. Yes.
And then I would say I made that bed and they would be like,
we love you now. And I'm like, (screams) that was it.
That was in fourth grade.
Then 20 years later, I thought about that story.
I looked back and I was thinking,
why the fuck was I a maid in my own fantasy?
Like even in my fantasy, I can't give Latinos better jobs.
And then I started thinking about it and you know why?
It's because a lot of the women I knew,
that's what they did for a living.
They cooked at restaurants, they cleaned houses.
They came here and had those jobs to get a better life so
that their kids didn't have to do those jobs.
And when I understood that, I realized that as a woman,
I wanted to break that glass ceiling, you know.
But as a Mexican, I want to clean that shit too.
You know what I mean?
Where's the Fabuloso?