Hey, parents. This is an important one today. How to manage your anger with your
child? I'll have a top 10 list so stick around clear to the end. Number 10 on our
list. We'll do this in a countdown fashion, is to understand anger. Understand what
it is and how it works on your own mind. There's some pretty straightforward
psychological principles that drive this. Basically when we feel anger, it's our
brains fight-or-flight response that's kicking in. Is your child a threat to you?
No, don't answer that too fast, okay? No. This is your offspring. This is
your lovely child. Not a threat. But we feel threatened sometimes when we
perceive that things are not the way that they should be or that they're not
behaving in a way that we would expect or obeying us. That creates a false sense
of threat. So, just know some things about anger and how it works with you and how
you can manage that anger. If you need some help with that we've got some other
videos here on the channel that will help you with anger specifically, that's
number 10. Now, let's move up the list a notch to number 9. Take care of yourself.
I basically have 4 rules for parents and number 1 is take care of yourself.
I just came back from visiting my own grandkids in another state. And as we
were flying back, Vicki and I were seated in the airplane and they went through
the safety routine. They always do this. At some point in their routine they say,
"iI we lose cabin pressure, these very attractive oxygen masks will fall from
the ceiling. Put your own mask on first and then you can help whoever you're
traveling with. Including your child." This is so true for parents.
Who's going to take care of you? I had a mom in my office once who was so
overwhelmed and so stressed. I had her do a little activity where she wrote a list
of everything that she was responsible for. Everything that she was taking care
of. And that list got long and she had to turn the page and go to the next page
and she kept going and then she started slowing down and she got to the end of
it. She there, "Okay, that's pretty much it/" I looked over all 3 pages. Guess what
was missing? Her. Who's going to take care of mom? You got to take care of yourself. But
you're not in this alone so let's go to number 8. Number 8 on our list is
to take care of the team. The parenting team. So, if you're married, that means
your spouse. You and your spouse form that parenting team. If you're not then
who else do you have on your team? And it might be a caregiver, a babysitter, a
nanny. It might be professionals like
counselors or teachers or people who interact with your child or assist you
in your role as a parent. I'm on your team. And you don't have to do a lot to
take care of me but keep coming to the channel. Show up. Let our team here at
Live On Purpose TV serve you. You'll notice that sometimes I have guests come
on to talk about specific topics or aspects of parenting that you might be
wondering about. We are part of your team here. That's awesome.
Take care of your team. Now, the number 7 way to manage your anger with your
child is to adjust your expectations. Anger usually is considered a secondary
emotion. Which means that something else came first. One of the things that
triggers anger more often than anything else I know is a violation of your
expectations. So, you're expecting your kid to do this and your kid did that
instead. How often does that happen to you? What if you were to adjust your
expectation? Adjust your expectation and try
something like this: "Whatever my child does is perfect for me."
That's going to be a little hard to wrap your head around. But if you'll try this,
take it from a perspective of luck. There're kids. They do kid kinds of things. If you
totally expect that then you won't be tipped over when they do those typical
kid type things. Adjust your expectations and that leads me right to number 6 on
our list of how to manage your anger with your child. Try on a new belief. The
old belief. The old belief might have been, "Things are not the way they should
be. This is not happening the way I want it to." Old belief. Let's try an a new
belief. "Things are exactly as they should be. This is perfect for me." Do you know
for sure that things are not the way they should be? Like you've got some
connection to the grand scheme of all things and you know for sure that things
are not the way they should be? No. You don't know that. Do you know that they
are the way they should be? No. You don't know that either. So, you got to pick a
position. What are those? The old belief was, "Things are not the way they should
be." That triggers anger, doesn't it? Yeah. Or
things are exactly as they should be. If I try on that belief, is there any room
for anger in there? Not really. I'm good. Because things are exactly as they
should be. Try it on. Play with that one a little
bit. Get a little coaching if you need it. Tip number 5 on how to manage your anger
with your children. Enjoy them. Does that sound a little weird? I'm saying it as if
it's a choice. I happen to think that it is. If you're doing some of the other
tips that we're talking about on this top 10 list, you're going to find it easy
to enjoy them. You can choose to do this. I had a dad in my office who was so
frustrated and getting angry a lot with his son. He gave him an assignment. I said,
"Your assignment is to enjoy him." And then we set up a little mental experiment.
What if your assignment carries with it a thousand dollar reward? In other words,
if you do this if you pull it off, if you can enjoy your son for 3 days in a
row, you get a thousand dollars. He's like, "well... Oh." And then he had to rethink it.
See, because he thought that he didn't have any choice in the matter. I said,
"What would you do if a thousand dollars were riding on it?
What would you do to enjoy your son?" He said, "Well, I'd have to change how I think."
Oh! Ding, ding, ding, ding! Yeah. You don't have to change how you think. If you can
back off and become a little more distant from the situation. And remember
your job is to enjoy them. That's a pretty powerful little tool. That's why
it's number 5 on our list. But that's not as powerful as number 4. Number
4 is to stay positive. I go on and on and on about positivity. It's My Thing.
It's my topic. I've written 2 books on the subject. I'm a big fan of positivity.
Here's the short version. You get into a position of gratitude for what is the
way things are. Right now without changing anything. And then you get
really intentional about improving it. And it's going to change in some way. So,
let's be intentional about which direction we want it to go. Gratitude for
what is and intentional upgrades. That's the quick version of positivity. Let's go
to number 3. For this one, I want to get kind of serious with you for a
minute. I want you to remember who they are.
Your kids. Kids are not possessions. You don't own them. They're not little copies
of you. Kids are people. Human beings who arrived on this planet after you. Why
do you get to be this kid's parent? I don't know. Because you showed up on the
planet before they did? What if they would have been born first? Maybe you
were their kid? I don't know. We're all in a long stream of people who have no idea
what they're doing. People who came before us, people who come after us. And
we're all more alike than we are different. Your kids are people. Remember
who they are. And for me, this becomes a spiritual
issue too because I think that we have a sacred stewardship to take care of these
vulnerable children while they develop into full-grown people. And then you know
what? Part of our job as a parent is to work ourselves out of a job. Because
eventually, we want them to go off and do their own thing, right? This is a short
period of time that you get to spend with another human being who showed up
in your life as a responsibility and a stewardship. Remember who they are. And
now up to number 2. Remember your job. I just said that part of your job is to
work your way out of a job. Here's your main job. Your job is to love them no
matter what and even if. I go over this with parents all the time because we all
get distracted sometimes from our job and we think that our job is to make
sure that they whatever. Make sure that they're happy. All that sounds so nice.
But can you do that? No. You're not even capable of doing that. It's not up to you.
Make sure that they're safe. I can't do that either. And I consult with parents
all the time whose children were hurt or even killed. It's not your
job to make sure that they're safe. We're going to take certain steps to manage
the risk but we can't make sure that they're always safe, can we? Make sure
that they get their homework done. Make sure that they succeed in school. Make
sure that they're productive citizens. Do you see how maddening that could be? You
want to manage your anger with your child, you get serious about your job. And
your job is to love them no matter what and even if. That leads us up to number
1. I want you to remember who you are. We already talked about number 3
that you want to remember who they are. You remember who you are. Because for
whatever reason, you were picked to be this child's parent. You. What qualifies
you for that? Well, actually a lot of things do. You are a benevolent, generous,
loving parent. If you didn't believe that as I said it, then we got some work to do
on your mindset. That's what some of the other tips are for. It's true. And we can
make a valid argument toward that end. You need to remember that. Because if you
see yourself as a loving, generous, benevolent parent, you're going to show
up differently for your little ones. Or for your bigger ones. It's important for
you to remember who you are. Don't lose sight of that.
You're an amazing person. You've got this. Parenting. It's a big deal and you've got
this with the resources that are available. If you haven't checked out the
Parenting Power-Up, I really want to invite you to do that. Parenting
powerup.com. This is a resource that Vicky and I have put together. We've
teamed up because we've been parents together for almost 30 years now.
We've teamed up to bring you some powerful modules that will assist you in
your journey of a parent. I hope you check it out.