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and you don't wanna miss 'em.
But let's jump into today's topic.
After all of my videos
that I've put out about toxic relationships,
how to manage them, how to get out of them,
how to avoid them, many of you have reached out to me
and asked what to do if you think
that you're the toxic person in that relationship.
And so today I'm gonna offer up tips and tricks
and ways to improve if you think that you're toxic.
First I just want to say that in most cases,
in relationships not one person is good
and the other person is bad,
and that's why it didn't work out.
Often it's just not a good combination.
We've all had people in our lives that push our buttons
and for some reason just seem to upset us so quickly,
or they're just so irritating. We don't know why.
So know that it's not always just one or the other.
It can often just be a bad recipe.
The first tip is to take care of yourself.
I know that when I'm not taking care of myself,
I'm not either in therapy when I need it,
or I'm not sleeping well, or eating well,
or making sure I get exercise, or time with friends,
or any of those things, if I'm not doing my self-care,
I am so much more irritable.
I'm short-tempered,
I have a difficult time supporting people in my life
when they need it.
And so know that if we find ourselves feeling that way,
we don't know why we're so easily upset,
it could be that we need to take care of ourselves.
And that always starts,
and I know all of my long-time viewers are like,
"Not again", but it always starts with positive self-talk.
It's so important how we talk to ourselves,
and so I encourage you to notice
if you're saying nasty things to yourself
all day, every day. If you find that happening,
make sure you take time, at least once a day
coming up with three to five things
that you like about yourself. Things you're proud of.
Things that are exciting that are happening.
Make sure you take the time,
and spend the time building yourself up,
so that you overall feel better,
are better able to cope in difficult situations,
and are less likely to fight with those that we love.
The next thing that we need to do to take care of ourselves
is work on our emotion regulation.
Many of you told me that you feel really short-tempered.
Right? We kind of snap and we don't know why.
But there are some tips and tricks,
a lot of my DBT videos will help with this,
they can better enable us to regulate all that we feel.
And one of those is the story of an emotion.
I talked about it recently in a video.
I'll find it and link it in the description,
but I do it in more detail there.
But roughly, to give you an idea
of what the story of an emotion is,
it's kind of letting you track where it came from.
So like, what happened today? How did I feel?
What do we think really prompted how I felt?
You know, what is it that I was really hoping to get?
And what does this say?
You're kind of understanding what started the emotion
and how our day progressed, and how we felt as a result.
It's like better understanding why you feel what you feel.
I'm probably not doing it any justice,
but like I said I'll link it in the description,
so you can learn more, and in better detail.
But we can also beef up our distraction techniques.
If we feel like we're just not able to cope, right?
We know that we're on edge.
I know if I haven't been eating enough,
like if I have been working really hard,
and all of a sudden I get up and I'm like,
"Oh my god, I'm so hungry," I don't want to talk to anybody.
And I actually will give Sean the silent treatment,
because I know that I'm gonna be mean.
And it's not because I'm actually mad,
it's just because I'm not taking care of myself.
And so I'm short-tempered,
and so I will do other things to distract me
while I wait for my food to cook.
So making sure that you know how you feel,
and why you feel what you feel,
and then put together some distraction tehniques
that work for you. This could be going for a walk,
petting a dog, painting your nails, taking a bath,
taking a shower, cleaning your house,
organizing your closet ... I hear from a lot of you
you like doing that one... coloring, listening to music,
any number of things. Distract, distract, distract
when you're feeling that you're on edge.
Because once we've done that,
and we finally have distracted,
and we're out of that emotional zone,
then we can start talking,
and then we can figure out where it came from
and why. Because if we don't distract
during that really volatile time,
it's during that that we actually harm our relationships.
We can say things we don't mean,
and that we can't take back.
And the next tip for taking better care of ourselves
is getting professional help when we need it.
There's no shame in being in therapy.
I've been in therapy off and on since I was 15,
and I find it extremely beneficial.
Therapy helps me look back on past experiences,
and past maybe bad relationships,
or relationships gone wrong,
and it can help me better see my role in it.
Because as you know, a relationship
always involves two people. Right?
And so, if we can better understand what our role was in it,
then we can hopefully make sure
that we don't repeat that in the future.
Therapy can be so helpful. Get it if you need it.
Now, the second tip on how to improve
is to pick relationships worth investing in.
And I say that because I know, personally,
my friends, and other clients of mine,
will go back to an unhealthy realationship
and hope that then it will be different,
because they're wanting to work on it.
But remember: relationships take two people.
Both people have to be completely invested
in the improvement for any improvement to occur.
Okay? I just want you to hear that,
because unhealthy relationships,
if we're always having conflict with this person,
and they're always driving us crazy,
and it just has, from the get has been really hard,
that might be a sign that that's
not the best relationship for us.
And so, just maybe, just maybe,
stop trying to force it, and instead
put your energy into the relationships
that are actually worth it.
And I would encourage you, if you feel like,
"Well, most of the people in my life
I've always had conflict with,"
maybe we need to look for new,
healthy people with full lives,
with a lot of social interaction,
a lot of things they're doing.
Try to connect with them.
This not only leads us to finding other people as well,
but it can be a great resource
and a great role model for us to look to
to see what a quote-on-quote "healthy person" looks like,
and what healthy relationships can look like.
Because maybe we haven't seen that before,
maybe we don't really know what it looks like.
and so we find ourselves repeatedly in unhealthy situations,
not because we're necessarily creating them,
but we honestly just don't know better.
And my third tip is clear communication.
This is so pivotal to any and all healthy relationships.
And that starts off with healthy boundaries.
In order to have a healthy relationship,
we need to let them know what's okay and not okay,
and we need to be able to set those up,
and know that it's okay to say no.
I was just talking with another Kinion,
and she was talking about how she put out boundaries,
and she was worried that they were gonna be mad about it,
it was gonna cause conflict. But surprise, surprise,
it actually was kind of a non-problem,
and a non-deal to them. It was like,
"Well, yeah that makes sense. Okay." Like a non-issue.
Often we build things up in our heads so much,
and we think it's gonna be such a big deal,
but I promise you, boundaries are just part of life.
Everyone has different ones.
And we all are learning about the people in our life,
and what's okay and not okay, and so I would encourage you
to figure out what's okay for you,
and what is unacceptable, and set that line.
And know that it's completely okay to hold that,
and to even repeat it, remind them of that line,
because then and only then can we have
a healthy, happy relationship.
And also, if we set the boundary,
don't go crossing it on your own.
Be aware. Remind yourself. It's okay.
Those are there for a reason, because I find often
when we have any guilt or shame associated with who we are,
when we set up those boundaries,
then all of a sudden we find ourselves crossing it.
The person that we told about it is respecting it,
but then we are like, "Oh, now I feel bad.
Oh, I need to help them. I told them I wasn't available,
but fuck it. I'm just gonna go."
And then we cross it ourselves. And so be aware,
and know that you don't have to do that either.
And also, balance within conversation.
I talked about this a little bit previously,
but relationships are give-and-take.
There's gonna be times when I'm having a really hard time,
and I really need you to listen,
and I really need you to support me.
I need you to be there when I text
late at night or early in the morning,
or just multiple times a day.
That's okay, but then there's
gonna be a time when you're gonna need it,
and I encourage you to take that time.
Make sure your relationships are balanced.
It should be, "How are you?" "Oh, I'm doing great,
and this is happening. How about you?"
It needs to go back and forth
in order for it to be balanced,
because we've all been in those relationships
when we either know that we're sucking all the energy
out of it, or they're sucking all of our energy.
And we have to make sure, just like a bank account,
that we're both putting into it before we're taking out.
And my next tip under clear communication
is making sure that we don't act out in anger,
in the moment, when everything seems so intense,
and "Oh my god, I'm so pissed off,
and I just need to tell them ... "
Give yourself a beat. Walk away if you need to.
Take a breath. Consider the story of that emotion.
Where'd it come from? What caused it?
Has this been building for days and days,
because you've just been having a hard time?
Notice it. Do some self-care.
And then come back to it to communicate
what was upsetting, and why you felt that way.
It never helps for us to just lash out in the moment.
That's when we say things we don't mean,
and then we can't take them back,
and that relationship could be severely damaged.
And also, just as a side note,
don't wait more than like a day or two maximum,
because it never helps to just cut people out,
and to not talk at all. To be so angry
that we just never communicate.
Because all that really does is leave us all alone.
And the fourth and final tip
is to be patient and kind to yourself
as you learn all of these new tools and techniques.
DBT groups can be really beneficial,
or any group, for that matter,
because it allows us to learn tools, learn techniques.
Maybe these are specifically communication techniques,
or emotion regulation techniques,
but then during the group, we can start practicing them.
We can see people utilizing them.
We can ask questions if we don't fully understand,
or talk about a difficult time we had with someone
when we were trying to do tha t technique or that tool,
or utilize that resource. We can talk about it,
and learn. So groups are really, really great.
Also, it can help to clearly communicate,
back to the communication that I just talked about,
it can be really helpful to communicate
with those that we love, and those in our lives,
about what we're doing and what we're working on.
Letting them know that, "Hey, you know,
I know that I can be really volatile,
I know that I've ruined some relationships in the past.
And so I'm really working to improve,
and here's what I'm doing."
We need to let them know what's happening
so that they can better understand
why maybe we're acting differently,
or why maybe we're not as talkative,
or we're walking away. It's best for them to understand,
because then they can work to support us
instead of fight against us.
I hope it was helpful. Like I said,
I'd heard from so many of you over the years
that you were concerned that you were the toxic person,
and then, what do I do? So I hope that some of these tips
and techniques are really beneficial to you,
and as always, leave in the comments:
what are some things that you've done?
If you're working on this already,
are there things that I missed? I'm sure there are.
Leave 'em in the comments and let us know.
Because together, we are working towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body. And I will see you next time. Bye.