Chris: You said you want to see me Joel?
Joel: Umm yeah Chris I have some concerns with some of your more recent scripts
Chris: In what way?
Joel: Let me go ahead I'm just gonna read from the prologues
Everything had built to this moment because I've been a bad, bad boy
who badly needs a spanking ...badly
[Chris grunts affirmatively]
Chris: Joel, I've finally been able to combine to my favorite things:
writing ...and sex
Joel [Disappointedly]: No don't...
Chris: I bought some of that dictation software, it's amazing okay!
Everything I say, it types up on the computer for me
so now, I can actually have sex, ...still be writing.
Just ideas spewing out everywhere, everywhere, everywhere...
Joel: Chris, what I'm going to do ...with this?
[Script slams on table]
Chris: Make a movie
I know it's a lot to go through, but just... you know, edit
Joel: I can't edit this because I don't know what story and what's sex.
Chris: What are you talking about?
Joel: Okay, case and point
John walked through the door...
totally throbbing right now.
Chris: Obviously, John walking to the door is story, totally throbbing is just me... Throbbing.
Joel: Right, okay, of course
Have you never seen anything so hard wasn't named Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?
Chris: It could be either story or sex. Joel: Could be story or sex.
Chris: I would keep it in just for safety. Joel [Sarcastically]: Yeah
Joel: Here you're just listing different foods.
Oranges, pistachios,
sausage why not.
Chris: That's my grocery list, minus the last one. Last one is sex.
Joel: Here's three pages of someone going "Oh god, oh god, oh god"
Chris: Ahhhh, you found my script about The Pope. It’s a religious piece
Joel: That's great Chris cuz your next line is "I'm coming I'm coming".
I'm glad you could include The Pope in your weird "I'm coming" line.
Chris: Joel, that's an important character moment okay look the doorbell rings...
"I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming"
Joel: Oh, that make sense. Chris: Just read the context clues Joel: ...and it ties in perfectly into the next line
I'm going to chop down your vagina tree with my penis axe.
[Chris grunts affirmatively]
That's a good thing to have The Pope to say.
I've an idea, why you go ahead and just rewrite all this or find a new job.
Chris: Find a new job!? I'm jerking off gold at your desk in script form and you're just ignoring it.
Joel: I cannot have 4,000 pages of penis axes and vagina trees SITTING ON DESK!
Chris: If you have a problem with my methods Joel then we need to talk to someone else.
Joel: Let's do that. Let's go talk to the big guy.
Chris: Let's see what he has to say
[Ominous Thud SFX]
Gus: You're fired.
Chris: W-W-What?
Joel: Yes Chris, you're fired.
Gus: You're absolutely fired
Chris: N-no...
[Deep Exhale]
Fine, fine, I'll go. I'll go
Chris (Off-screen): I'll go
[Hopeful Music Starts Playing]
Chris: Who's coming with me?
Joel: Chris I don't... who you talking to? There is only two of us here.
Chris: Who here believes dictation can work?
Joel: Who are you talking to?!?!
Chris: I got a dream. I've got a lot of sex and I know we can do this okay.
Who's coming with me?
Gus: I'm coming with you Chris.
Chris: Yes, thank you Gus.
Joel: You don't have to go with him.
Gus: I do Joel because I hate the way that I'm running this company.
Joel: That doesn't make sense. see so... NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!
Gus: Let's go live our dreams together.
Chris: We'll be a family.
yes, let's do it YEAH
Joel: what the fuck just happened
[Omimous Thud SFX]
[Award Show Music]
Announcer: and the Oscar goes to... [Drumroll]
Chris Demarais and Gus Sorola for "Hard War"
[War SFX]
Injured Soldier: I'm hit, kid. Soldier 2: No
Injured Soldier: I'm not going to make it
Soldier 2: You're going to make it Injured Soldier: No
Injured Soldier: I'm done, you gotta finish the mission.
I need you do one thing though.
Soldier 2: Anything
Injured Soldier: I need you... [Painful Groan]
I need you to take this turkey sausage...
to my wife, give it to her...
Long, Hard, and Deep
Soldier 2: I'll give it to her so deep
Injured Soldier: I'm coming
Soldier 2: I'M COMINNNGGGGG! GOOODDDD!
Phone: Dictation software activated
[Pants Rustling]