- Hey friends.
So you know how much we love candy around here.
We have rules around mommy tax.
Whatever you bring into the house,
I'm just going to get about 33 to 35% of it.
(ding)
But it got me thinking as I was shopping
for my Halloween candy.
What does the candy you hand out to trick-or-treaters,
What does it say about us?
Here's what I think.
(opening candy bag)
If you are handing out dark chocolate,
you are the emergency contact for at least seven people
you're not even related to.
So when you go to the grocery store and you see somebody
you kind of know, you don't avoid them, like I do.
No.
You ask them how they're doing
and you make conversation and you actually care.
You really care about their answer.
I applaud you. I want to be more like you.
Moving on!
If you are the house that's offering full size candy bars,
you remember people's birthdays
and you send a card on time.
In college, you picked up the bar tab,
even though you didn't have the money,
which meant you left college in debt.
There's a lot to unpack here,
but for now I say thank you,
because I mommy tax the mess out of a full-sized candy bar.
And if you're a parent, you dress up with your kids
and you'll do a haunted house driveway.
You go all in.
Next. (candy bag rustling)
A mix...
of minis.
Here's the thing, you guys,
these people, you have trouble committing.
You do. And you're a people pleaser.
So you worry about what other people think of you.
So instead of buying your favorite candy,
you buy other people's favorite candy
in teeny tiny little bite-sized pieces.
By the way, this is what you get when you come to my house.
Believe what you want. (opening candy bag)
Reese's cups. You have declared a favorite.
You have just put a stake in the ground
and you're like, "This. These are my favorite."
In fact, you're so bold,
that you will turn your porch light off early,
so you can have more of what you want.
I strive to be like you.
If you are handing out a pre-made bag
of trinkets and toys and candies,
you read all the emails the school sends.
You know where all the fun fall activities are around town.
You've made these allergy-friendly bags
because you're a better person than the rest of us.
(opening box)
If you're handing out granola bars,
you're the mom/dad of your friend group in college.
You were the one always making sure everybody
drank enough water at the end of the night.
You hand out granola bars 'cause you know the rest of us
needed to keep our sugar levels in check.
For that, I say, thank you.
It's a tough job; you have stepped up.
Listen. (opening candy bag)
If you are handing out...
candy corn,
I know this is going to upset people,
because I personally do enjoy candy corn.
But if you were handing this out to other people,
it's bold, first of all,
because there are a lot of other options,
yet you...
have made a stand,
you have chosen these things.
These were a crucial part of your Halloween story as a child
and I want you to call me, we're going to talk about it.
Moving on!
Tootsie rolls,
if you're handing out Tootsie Rolls,
it's because you did not want to be tempted
by other candies in the days leading up to Halloween,
so you are actually a master of self-control.
Well done.
If you are handing out the flavored Tootsie Rolls
it's because you were late to the store
and this is the only thing they had.
You're a procrastinator.
It's okay. It's okay.
You're offering something.
We're going to do better next year.
Finally, if you're not handing out candy
and you're just doing bottled water for the kids
and maybe some Jello shots for the grownups,
you have volunteered at more than one 5k hydration station.
You have, don't lie.
You're the type of person who brings hot meals over to
friends who have babies or sick relatives.
You leave baskets of goodies on your front porch
for Amazon drivers during the holidays.
You're a giver and you just want to make sure everyone is
taken care of.
Again, I love whatever candy you're going to give my kid
because I get 35% of it.
Will somebody come help me eat these candies?
You probably have a system in which you eat these.
Let me show you.
You probably say, "Hey, you got to go white first."
Right?
And then you go orange and then you go yellow.
And you're probably really particular about that.
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