I don't have to tell you --
I don't have to tell anybody here. It's hot outside.
We're in the dog days of summer.
It's hot, it's muggy, it's gross.
Everyone's dragging. And that includes my writers.
You know, they write hundreds of jokes everyday just to get
the 10 or 12 we end up using in the monologue.
And honestly, a lot of the jokes, we have to discard.
They just aren't good.
And sometimes I think they wrote them just to
throw in a few stinkers to meet the page assignment.
And just because the air outside feels like dog breath,
that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another "Surprise Inspection."
[ Bugle plays ]
So here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
that were really submitted by my real writers
that are unusable for the show.
Some are dumb, some are offensive, some are confusing.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this.
And because most of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get started.
A fan has been banned from the Colorado Avalanche's arena
in Denver after he allegedly spread the ashes
of his best friend on the ice at a game.
Even worse, his friend is still alive.
[ Laughter ]
None of it makes sense.
That was Matt Goldich who wrote that joke.
That's what he looks like.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I'm going to show all their pictures
so that if you see them in the street,
you're like, "Let's go to the other..."
Today was the final day of the Supreme Court's current term.
I'd say they went out with a bang,
but most of them think that's a sin.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
There's Ian Morgan, who wrote that.
[ Laughter ]
The NYPD Bee Unit over the weekend
removed about 2,000 bees from a Times Square restaurant.
So now the restaurant is just called "Apple."
[ Laughter ]
That's a good joke.
I apologize to Ally Hord.
We definitely could have put that in the monologue.
Ian, on the other hand...
NASA, last week, released the first full-color images
from its James Webb Space Telescope.
So check it out if you wanna see where my forehead stops.
[ Laughter ]
Mike Scollins wrote that joke.
Mister...
Mike wore a tank top to work,
so that's why we --
That's why we use that picture.
Authorities in Florida arrested a pastor this week
after he allegedly masturbated at a Starbucks.
Fortunately, they stopped him before he could make any sermon.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Now, there's a litany of reasons that joke doesn't work.
One is, no one's ever used the expression "makes..."
[ Laughing ]
Like, imagine if you said,
"I walked in on my son, and he was masturbating."
"Did you come in before or after he made some semen?"
[ Laughter ]
Who was the culprit that wrote that joke?
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
When it comes to jokes, he's got a type.
Irish airline Aer Lingus
this week canceled 18 flights over two days
due to a spike in coronavirus cases among staff,
leading the company to implement a ban
on lingus between employees.
[ Laughter ]
Bryan wrote that joke.
Here's an interesting fact about Bryan.
His best friend on the staff is Ian.
[ Laughter ]
Probably called each other on the phone.
"I got a good one about lingus."
"I got a good one about sermon."
A customer at an Oklahoma fast-food restaurant this week
found a bag of crystal meth with their order.
"Hey, I only do powders," said Mac Tonight.
[ Scattered laughter ]
You guys remember -- Make some noise
if you remember Mac Tonight.
[ Applause ]
Alright. So the joke was never gonna work.
[ Laughter ]
Also, "Hey, I only do powders"?
That -- Is that -- Has anybody ever used that for cocaine?
"You want to go do some powders?"
"Right after -- Right after I make some semen."
[ Laughter ]
"There's two things I like -- doing powders and making..."
[ Laughter ]
It's like they don't speak English!
It's like they're writing using Google Translate.
It's like they write the jokes, then translate it to Japanese,
then translate it back to English.
The fast-food restaurant Subway recently launched a new menu.
"Well, the kid's menu is not what you think it is,"
said Jared.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Two hand claps ]
[ Laughter ]
I don't know what's shocking -- is that a man clapped twice
or that he waited for the groan to finish.
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "I don't want my claps
to get lost in this groan.
I want everyone to know where the two claps came from!"
[ Laughter ]
Mike Scollins wrote that joke.
The Ohio Supreme Court recently suspended an attorney
for repeatedly driving naked
and exposing himself to other drivers.
Or, as he calls it, "Exhibit D."
[ Laughter ]
Alright. This has been... "Surprise Inspection."
[ Bugle plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]