- If you are sat over here,
what would you like to hear
a freestyle rap about?
- [Audience Member] Nuns.
- Nuns? (audience laughs)
Lovely stuff.
What is it about nuns
that you find intriguing?
(audience chattering)
- [Audience Member] Wardrobe.
- Their wardrobe?
The nuns wardrobe choices.
Okay, cool. (audience laughs)
A nuns wardrobe choices.
If you are sat in this rectangle,
from the front to the back,
what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] James Bond in Texas.
- I heard nothing of what you said,
but it sounded.
Oh, sorry, I just kicked you.
Well, yeah, technically it was on the stage,
so get the fuck off.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles) What did you say, sir?
- [Audience Member] James Bond in Texas.
- James Bond in Texas,
thank you very much.
There's some real imagination going there.
You can tell this is like, you know,
the early evening show,
because, you know,
you've had, like, one and a half drinks
and so you come up with sensible stuff like that.
Whereas later in the evening it's just,
titties, titties, rap about the titties.
(audience laughing)
Nun's wardrobes, James Bond in Texas.
Middle of the room, front to the back,
what do you want a rap about? - [Audience Member] Nirvana.
- Nirvana?
The 90s grunge band from Seattle
or the concept of enlightenment
and (indistinct)? (audience laughing)
- The concept. - The concept, cool.
I can't see from the light.
Okay, you're a brown lady,
so now when I just. (audience laughs and applauds)
If you were a scraggly haired white boy,
I'd be like "Yeah, okay, Nirvana."
Also, you said it properly.
You were like "Nirvana."
(laughs) Colin, did you forget your glasses on the?
That's very silly. (audience laughs)
'Cause I saw out the corner of my eye.
I was, like,
"Why is Colin Quinn walking towards the stage?
Is this the whitest version
of Chris Rock and Will Smith going on?
Did I (audience applauds and cheers)
accidentally upset Colin Quinn?"
But, no.
Colin couldn't wait.
He could have, you know,
he could have asked James to bring them back.
He was like, "No, I need these glasses now.".
(audience laughs)
So I, as a man who wears glasses,
I understand the pain.
So, nirvana,
but you said "Nirvana",
because you pronounced it properly.
But I'm gonna say nirvana, - I have glasses too.
'cause I prefer the.
What're you holding up?
- Your glasses. - No, I do need glasses,
but I don't need a random person's glasses.
(audience laughs)
I mean, if you hand them to me
I'll tell you if they're my prescription.
They won't be.
I'm, legally, quite blind.
These are so light.
These lenses are so thin.
I mean, I can tell.
Unless you're.
These are so dirty as well.
Look at that fucking.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, you understand enlightenment,
but not translucency.
Fucking clean it up. (audience laughs and cheers)
What is this?
(audience applauds and laughs)
Oh, you're weird.
Your eyes are.
You have more than just short sightedness, right?
There's, like, extra shit in there as well.
Yeah? (audience laughs)
It's actually.
You probably do have money,
'cause those are very light lenses
for how severe that prescription is.
There you go. (audience laughs and applauds)
A party trick of mine,
this is how fun I am (laughs),
used to be
I'd take people's glasses
and tell them their prescription.
I could usually get within 0.5.
With that, I've no.
I don't know what's wrong with your eyes.
(audience laughs)
Okay, nirvana, nun's wardrobe, James Bond in Texas.
These next two need to be quick.
So this section over here,
what's your rap about?
- Jail. - Psychology.
- There were two.
You said?
- [Audience Member] Jail. - Jail.
And you said?
- [Audience Member] Psychology.
- Psychology, cool.
Psychology jail (chuckles).
And, yeah, sometimes when you combine them
it makes them better.
That has just made both of those ones shit.
(audience laughs)
And then the final section over here.
What would you like
a rap about? - McDonald's.
- McDonald?
- Moat. - McDonald's.
- Oh, McDonald's.
Great, cool.
Not the...
And what did you say?
- [Jeremy] A moat.
- Jeremy, are you suggesting suggestions?
Okay, cool.
- [Jeremy] I don't know what I was thinking,
but I was thinking about a moat.
- You're thinking about a moat today?
Cool, as in the ring of water around a fortification?
- Yes. - Cool, great.
Well, no, 'cause it could also be M-O-T-E,
like a mote.
Like a mote of dust.
Like a tiny... (audience guffaws)
It's a word.
It is.
It's a speck.
Its another word for
a speck or a particle. (audience laughs and cheers)
A mote, M-O.
It is.
Why are you shaking your head?
- [Audience Member] We just learned that that was a word.
- You just learned that was a word.
Yeah, you're educational and entertaining.
(audience laughs)
Mainly the former.
Right, let's do this.
If we
drop a beat.
And we can go faster
than we did last night, I think,
'cause I (words drowned out by music)
(electronic hip hop music)
(faintly) Okay.
So the nun's wardrobe,
the James Bond from Texas,
the nirvana.
This isn't the rap.
I'm reminding you what the rap's gonna be about.
If you're, "This is the worst rhyming ever.
This is terrible."
Psychology jail and a moat around McDonald's.
(audience cheers and laughs)
(electronic hip hop music)
♪ I add the S to the Scottish surname ♪
♪ Like I heard ya ♪
♪ McDonald's asking for fries from the server ♪
♪ They ask me a question ♪
♪ Flip it back ♪
♪ How the fuck did you get in here ♪
♪ How did you attack ♪
♪ I didn't realize ♪
♪ This McDonald's is fortified ♪
♪ I walk in extra large ♪
♪ That's my real size ♪
♪ I feel happy when I rap at the counter ♪
♪ You gotta counterattack ♪
♪ There's an amount of people outside ♪
♪ With the trebuchet slingshots ♪
♪ Coming my way ♪
♪ So I say ♪
♪ We need to build a river ♪
♪ A portion of the sea ♪
♪ Why, right now this McDonald's under siege ♪
♪ People coming in ♪
♪ They want the Happy Meal toy ♪
♪ So I get the oil and I avoid ♪
♪ Start burning out ♪
♪ Firing arrows from the murder slits ♪
♪ If you've never seen a moat ♪
♪ If you've never heard of it ♪
♪ Its slightly confusing ♪
♪ The water we're using ♪
♪ Put it round the edge of the building ♪
♪ Cruising ♪
♪ Down the abbot way ♪
♪ Having such fun ♪
♪ See the religious lady ♪
♪ I'm shouting out "nuns" ♪
♪ Nuns ♪
♪ There on the left hand side ♪
♪ Oh, they've got the habit ♪
♪ It be going out wide ♪
♪ White and black ♪
♪ The abbey's their home ♪
♪ Sisters and sisters donned in monochrome ♪
♪ Quite fashionable ♪
♪ The way that they walk ♪
♪ They sway and they talk ♪
♪ Dressed like they're in New York ♪
♪ 'Cause we're wearing all black ♪
♪ A little bit of white ♪
♪ Monks hide and they give them a fright ♪
♪ Like jumping out ♪
♪ But, the sister Elizabeth ♪
♪ They say, "Calm down monks ♪
♪ We're sick of this" ♪
♪ Moving on ♪
♪ This part will fail ♪
♪ There's nothing entertaining ♪
♪ About psychology jail inherently ♪
♪ You could see Sigmund Freud ♪
♪ Get the hard time there ♪
♪ 'Cause he couldn't avoid ♪
♪ He's in his cell ♪
♪ He says, "I'm so frustrated. ♪
♪ I've got a dumb person for my cellmate ♪
♪ It's just some guy doing five to eight" ♪
♪ He says, "Sigmund Freud ♪
♪ You think you're so great" ♪
♪ Technically he's a psychiatrist ♪
♪ Not a psychologist ♪
♪ Apologies ♪
♪ Got it mixed up ♪
♪ You're like, "Okay, Chris" ♪
♪ He doesn't mind ♪
♪ Going onto death row ♪
♪ Psychology student ♪
♪ Yeah, you best know ♪
♪ Ah, how do I talk like this ♪
♪ How do I conceive of being locked down ♪
♪ It's shit ♪
♪ I'm in solitary confinement ♪
♪ No real deals ♪
♪ When I want to transcend ♪
♪ How does it feel ♪
♪ I wanna feel superior to any other ♪
♪ So I start reading the teachings of the Buddha ♪
♪ People say he said religion is frightening ♪
♪ But I find his writings are rather enlightening ♪
♪ It's lovely ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The British guy charms ya ♪
♪ Trying on your glasses ♪
♪ But Siddhartha Gautama was his name ♪
♪ He was the prince ♪
♪ Have a laugh ♪
♪ People love it ♪
♪ Yeah, you know he took the middle path ♪
♪ But, I'm going there ♪
♪ Back to the Pacific Northwest ♪
♪ Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic ♪
♪ They did it best ♪
♪ They were rocking out there on the stage ♪
♪ Nevermind 1991 ♪
♪ This is great ♪
♪ I've never had one Indian lady standing ♪
♪ Saying "This is incredible" ♪
♪ I'm understanding ♪
♪ But don't worry usually ♪
♪ Across the pond ♪
♪ 007 ♪
♪ So present ♪
♪ Mr. James Bond ♪
♪ He'd be like, "Hello Moneypenny" ♪
♪ I respect you ♪
♪ But imagine if James Bond ♪
♪ Was in Texas ♪
♪ He'd be walking around ♪
♪ He'd be shooting ♪
♪ Where you from, James ♪
♪ Fucking Houston ♪
♪ I'm gonna shoot Ernst Blofeld down ♪
♪ Who am I gonna do it for ♪
♪ H-Town ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm gonna shoot the white cat ♪
♪ Gonna get the man with the golden gong back ♪
♪ Ah, yeah, Texas ♪
♪ I'm feeling the thrill ♪
♪ 007 ♪
♪ A real license to kill. ♪
(audience cheers and applauds)