Hey.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And this video is for you if you have found yourself in a relationship dynamic where you
are effectively a third wheel; maybe you are dating a married man, maybe you're dating
a guy who's in a long-term relationship with someone else, and maybe you want him to leave
and be with you, maybe he's even telling you that he's gonna do that but objectively that
was not happening.
So, what do you do?
We've got some advice for you and before we throw that advice out or our opinions on what
we think is the best course of action the situation, I just want to acknowledge that
this can be really difficult situation to find yourself in.
Because often it's very difficult to choose who we love, and sometimes when we are faced
with somebody who is emotionally available to us who is attracted to us and suddenly
we feel a connection with them that maybe we haven’t experience in the past it can
be really difficult to throw that away.
It can be really difficult to say okay well I'm done with this because this isn't real.
Oftentimes it's a lot easier to leave something when we don't have the emotion there right?
We can say, “Okay.
Yeah, it's not real.
I'm not getting my needs met,” but what do we do when you are feeling like you're
getting your needs met?
And what's so tricky about these situations is if we were to just understand what's going
on with him for a moment, it makes it a little bit easier to perhaps be compassionate around
why you're in the situation?
A man that is married and is not satisfied in his current partnership is almost like,
you set it off camera, is kind of like a starving dog in some ways if he's not satisfied he
might feel trapped he might feel like he's in some type of prison he's created and now
suddenly he's got this woman that he's able to emotionally connect with and in that there's
almost this this deep expression and almost like a dam breaking of emotional energy, of
sexual energy, of attraction, and it can be phenomenally seductive and because he's restricted
and may not feel like he can leave the marriage, it almost gives him more permission to be
fully open with you and be fully connected with you because he doesn't have to worry
about really the consequences with that…There’s less on the line with you right…
What’s that nothing’s on the line?
There’s LESS on the line.
There's less on the line exactly.
Exactly.
So, if we understand…
And probably there might even be a dynamic of secrecy right that's kind of has its own
sort of intoxication.
So, there can be this alliance that occurs where it's you two versus the situation that
he's in.
And what it's like… it's a natural conspiracy that begins to occur where it just deepens
your bond even more and it's like you two versus the wife and who knows at some point
it's this like Romeo and Juliet romantic story of you know overcoming the odds and then being
together.
So I want to say this because I understand that this is difficult and you may hear from
friends you know, “Hey, get out of it,” you know, “How could you do that?”
or, you might see judgment from other people comment on YouTube videos like, “Don't go
after a married man,” and you know although that we're… you're gonna learn from us that
that is true we just want to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation that you can find
yourself in sometimes.
I just want to preface it with that.
Yes, the other thing I'll just add to that quickly is that he may be rediscovering a
part of himself.
Like if you look at Esther Perel’s work on you and why do people have affairs, it's
often as much as it is about you is the third person, it's actually about them kind of reforming
in love with a part of themselves that they've kept locked up or that hasn't been available
in their marriage right.
So, again that just helps create a little bit of sobriety that there may be something
really special in your connection but it may be that half of it or more is actually about
them rediscovering something that's vital in them and that you're a catalyst for discovering
that.
And hey that can be a great role to play in someone's life right like that could be that
you're helping them rediscover something and then a certain point you kind of gracefully
exit and they have this more invigorating life.
The difficulty is that if you're starting to develop feelings and there's real attraction
is that potentially you want them to be your long-term partner and that is a difficult
shift for someone to really not happen.
So, what is the hard advice that we've got for the women that are watching this video?
What is it if you find yourself in this situation what should you do?
Well, I think you should… if you if you're actually interested to pursue something longer
term with them that I think you should cut contact and not be in a dynamic that them
to basically keep you in their life, have a certain level of connection maybe sexual
connection, but they're not really saying “yes” to you.
So by you cutting in contact are you actually withdrawing yourself from the dynamic you
can say, “Look I'm open to you.
I would love to be with you and if you ever decide that you want to actually leave your
marriage and pursue this like I'm actually open to that.
But I don't want to contribute to this dynamic you've got something that you need to figure
out over there and to let that do what it needs to do.”
And there's a risk that in doing that you may find out that actually they were never
intending to leave their wife or that they don't want to but at least we're in the truth
then you know however hard that is.
And something that speaks a little bit to the character as well of the way that you
enter into a relationship, the character of this guy that's really important to track.
I work with a lot of women and men going through breakups and a story that I hear all too often
is the relationship is ending and the way that it started was that they were having
an affair together or there was some type of cheating that happened that that that's
the really that's where the relationships origin was.
And now suddenly what is happening there's infidelity again, there's suspicion of cheating
because there's an insecurity that naturally gets built into the foundation where you can't
really trust the person because, although you feel completely seduced by who they are
being with you there's that little tickle in the back of your mind that maybe the shoots
gonna be on the other foot at some point right, and you're gonna be the one that he is no
longer in love with maybe once the honeymoon phase dies down and that insecurity alone
is enough to bring down the relationship.
So, what Jack's saying here is being able to have the courage and the sobriety to back
away from the situation and cut things off will allow you to not enter into something
that's gonna be a lopsided relationship as it is where there's already a deteriorating
foundation something that's an infection getting built right into the relationship itself.
It almost it allows you to start from someplace new if that's what's wanting to happen.
Like I can think back to a couple I knew ten years ago in the UK whereas like actually
the truth was they wanted to be together and that was something I wanted to pursue they're
both in a marriage situation took a little bit of time to work it out, but they were
clear that's what the truth is right.
So, if that is the truth and I think you can trust that it will kind of come about even
if you're temporarily withdrawing from the dynamic because then they're to get to be
in a real choice.
Yes.
A real choice exactly and they're not escaping into your arms because they don't want to
be and where you're like this soft landing for them which it then they're reacting to
them not wanting to be in the relationship here of soft landings that muddies the whole
intentions of why you are together.
Rather than being able to him do the work and get clear with himself breakup, be single
and then choose you which just builds a granite foundation.
So, there's two quick things I just want to share: one, is the kind of person that ongoingly
is okay with the dynamic of being the third wheel could be the discarded archetype that
we talked about where it's like you're so keen to please that you trespass over all
your boundaries, you have low self-esteem, and so you're basically saying yes to being
someone scraps, in a sense, right rather than being in an actual relationship with them,
and the second thing, is if you and long-term saying, “I'm good with being be kind of
like the mistress as it were,” that may be a tactic that's actually stopping you being
fully in your heart and claiming your vulnerability because there's a kind of invulnerability
there right like I kind of know that I never fully get to have this person so it's sort
of like a safety where I don't necessarily have to open up I don't have to push the edges
of my intimacy because we're never actually gonna be together.”
So, if that's you I get really curious like what is actually going on there?
What is the covert contract?
Or, what is the part of you that that is not willing to actually give your heart fully
to someone which I'm going to imagine for most of you watching this that bad is your
deepest desire you know.
If it really isn't that's fine being that truth but for most of you probably want to
be fully with it with a guy that you're actually giving your heart to.
It's almost as if the pain of giving your heart to somebody outweighs the pain of being
deprived of that.
So, it's…
I'm… the thought of giving myself fully and being where someone can be completely
available it's too unfamiliar territory for me, so I create a scenario in which the people
I'm attracted to in the situation's I find myself are ones where I never have to experience
what it would be like to experience to have that, it’s just too painful.
So, all instead kind of have this slow boil of frustration and maybe some just small tragedies
that happen over and over again rather than possibly put myself in a situation where my
heart could really be broken.
And to that end as Jack so eloquently talked about the Discarded Archetype, we want to
invite you to this webinar that we've got prepared that it's showing nightly right now,
that you can click on the link below this video.
It's a free webinar where we dive into the Discarded archetype, we dive into another
archetype and these are the ways in which women unconsciously position themselves with
men that sabotage relationships and once you become aware of that you can have choice around
stepping outside of it.
We also talked about reclaiming your vulnerability as well.
And if you're at this place where you're watching these videos and you're ready to take your
own self-awareness and the results that you're getting your love life to the next level,
we really invite you on this webinar to check it out.
It’s 60 to 90 minutes.
It’s some of the most potent material we've ever done.
It is.
We've had great feedback.
And we're really excited to have you.
So, click the link below this video register for a time that works for you and we will
see you on the other side.
Let's do it.