By now you've probably all heard that yesterday
President Barack Obama finally made his big pick.
And no, we're not talking about March Madness, we're...
-(laughter) -We're talking about his selection
to convert this elite eight back into a normal nine.
Today I am nominating
Chief Judge Merrick Brian Garland
to join the Supreme Court.
Yes, Merrick Brian Garland.
This fine fellow.
A chief judge of the DC Court of Appeals,
Harvard graduate with a brilliant legal mind,
you know, prosecuted Timothy McVeigh,
and on top of all of that, he's totes adorbs.
-(laughter) -Oh, no. You can be the judge of that.
Thank you, Mr. President.
This is the greatest honor of my life.
(sighs)
(crying): Other than Lynn agreeing to marry me
28 years ago.
For me, there could be no higher public service
than serving as a member of the United States Supreme Court.
I am grateful beyond words
for the honor you have bestowed upon me.
-Oh, can I keep him? -(audience aw-ing)
Can we keep him, please, Mommy?
Aw, that guy is so adorable.
Like, next to him, even sweet Ruth Bader Ginsburg
seems like an asshole.
-Aw... -(laughter)
I love him so much.
Merrick Brian Garland.
I love it. It's got a ring to it.
MBG. You down with MBG?
Yeah, you know me.
Who's down with MBG?
Well, apparently, nobody.
NEWSWOMAN:
said it would be a "waste of time"
to meet nominee Merrick Garland.
REPORTER: Are you any more open to holding hearings?
I spoke to Lindsey Graham, who said to me
that he has said to the president,
"Even if you picked
"I would lead the charge against me
because you are the one who picked me in an election year."
Oh, Lindsey.
That's just low self-esteem right there, buddy.
-(laughter) -You're worth voting for yourself, my friend.
Sure, maybe GOP primary voters rejected you,
but rest assured, Trevor loves you, baby.
-(cheering) -Trevor loves you.
Don't forget.
But this... you know, this resistance to Judge Garland
doesn't seem to make any sense.
I mean, just based on what senate Republicans
have said about him in the past.
Merrick Garland is highly qualified
to sit on the DC circuit.
His intelligence and his scholarship
cannot be questioned.
NEWSMAN:
I said, "Well, why did you support him in 1997?"
He said, "I just supported him."
Over my seven years as president,
in all my conversations with senators from both parties,
in which I asked their views
on qualified Supreme Court nominees,
the one name that has come up repeatedly,
from Republicans and Democrats alike,
is Merrick Garland.
That's right. Everyone likes Merrick Garland.
He's, like, the Paul Rudd of federal judges.
-(laughter) -In fact, it's even more...
It's, like, Paul Rudd with a puppy's face,
and then, like, the puppy's eyes are Paul Rudd's face.
-(laughter) -That's-that's more... Yeah.
That's what... Aah!
Aah! I've created a monster. Go away! Go away!
Bad Rudd! Bad Rudd!
So, uh, so I don't get it, I don't get it.
Democrats like him, Republicans like him--
why won't the Republicans even consider him?
They simply do not believe, they say,
that a president in this heated of an election cycle,
who is a lame duck, should be able to nominate somebody.
The decision the senate announced weeks ago
remains about a principle...
and not a person.
The senate will continue to observe the Biden Rule.
Man, Mitch McConnell seems like a bit of a dick.
-(laughter) -Uh... well, just in principle.
Not as a person.
-(laughter) -Because...
because the Biden Rule isn't a rule.
It was a proposal in a speech that Biden gave in 1992,
where he argued against considering
a Supreme Court nominee during
So yeah, don't get me wrong, Biden messed up--
but it's not a rule.
Just because you propose something doesn't make it rule.
And that includes tonight.
You don't have to kiss these people
just because they're Irish.
You don't have to do that.
There is no Biden Rule.
Okay, well, there is one Biden Rule,
and that is, if you sprinkle when you tinkle,
please be neat and wipe the seat.
-(laughter) -That's the Biden Rule.
-(applause) -That's the only rule we follow.
And-and just... By the way, since when do Republicans
have any respect for what Joe Biden says?
I think the vice president very well knows
that sometimes the words
don't come out of your mouth the right way.
Democrats aren't asked to answer every time
Joe Biden says something embarrassing.
The latest, uh, gaffe of the gift that keeps on giving, uh,
who is, by the the way,
a heartbeat away from the presidency.
The next time you're at a party,
walk up to someone, just say,
"Vice President Joe Biden"
and close your mouth.
They will crack up laughing.
Yeah, that's true. If you say "Joe Biden" at a party,
people crack up laughing.
Uh, just like if you say "Ted Cruz" at a party,
people leave.
Time to go, people.
It's Ted Cruz, it's Ted Cruz. Time to go, people.
Ted Cruz. Put the drink down.
Ted Cruz, come on, guys, get out of here.
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, people.
We should all start doing that at parties from now on.
Ted Cruz, everybody, time to go, Ted Cruz.
Uh, listen, Republicans,
I understand what you're going through.
You lost Justice Scalia, a legendary conservative justice
and you don't want him replaced by anyone that Obama likes.
But here's the big question:
how do you think this is going to play out?
Because, what, you filibuster this guy until Obama is gone?
Then what happens?
'Cause what if Hillary Clinton becomes president
and she picks Garland or someone even more liberal?
Or, God forbid, Donald Trump becomes president.
And who knows what he'd do.
Like, he could do any... He could pick Judge Judy.
He could... Just because he's heard of her.
You don't know what he'd do.
He might not even pick a person.
He could nominate a painting of himself or...
or... Like, anything. He could nominate
a racist bottle of champagne. You don't...
And I don't even know what that means, to be honest.
Like, because how could a bottle of champagne be racist?
It doesn't... Like, like, maybe you're celebrating,
it's like, "Three, two, one,
(bleep)."
Who taught you that, champagne?
Bad champagne.
I really don't understand, you know.
For the Republicans, there really is no winning here.
So the question is what do you want?
Our view is this:
give the people a voice
in filling this vacancy.
You know, this is rich coming from McConnell.
He's saying give the people a voice,
but he's silence the one voice
who the people chose. And he's so dug...
(cheering, applause)
he's so dug in on his partisanship,
he refuses to listen to reason,
even when it's right there in the room with him.
The next justice could fundamentally alter
the direction of the Supreme Court
and have a profound impact on our country.
So, of course... of course,
the American people should have a say
in the court's direction.
Well, they did, by electing Obama.
It is a president's constitutional right
to nominate a Supreme Court justice,
and it is the senate's constitutional right
to act as a check on a president
and withhold its consent.
Traditionally after a confirmation hear...
As Chairman Grassley and I declared weeks ago
and reiterated personally to President Obama,
the senate will continue to observe the Biden rule.
Not a rule. It's not a rule.
So that the American people have a voice
in this momentous decision.
The American people may well elect a president
who decides to nominate Judge Garland...
-They already did. -...for senate consideration.
They already did.
President Obama made this nomination not...
not with the intent of seeing the nominee confirmed,
but in order to politicize it
for purposes of the election.
He's also politicizing.
-Which is the type of thing... -That you're doing right now!
...then-senate judiciary committee chairman Biden
-was concerned about. -Can I borrow this?
The exact thing Chairman Biden was concerned about.
-The Biden rule underlines... -It's not a rule!
...that what the president has done with this nomination
-would be unfair to any nominee. -There's no such thing!
Mitch, you're making this (bleep) up!
And, more importantly, the rule warns of the great cost
-the president's action... -Thanks.
I couldn't have said it better. Jordan Klepper, everyone.