On this episode of China Uncensored,
B.Y.O.T.P.
Bring your own...TP.
Hi, welcome to China Uncensored,
I’m your host Chris Chappell.
The Temple of Heaven in Beijing.
Built in 1420,
it was the sight where emperors performed sacred rituals
to ensure the blessings of heaven.
Today, tourists can learn from these ancient traditions
and deepen their understanding of
China’s ancient culture.
But now, park authorities are facing a huge problem:
How to make sure that tourists who need to use the restrooms
have exactly the right amount of toilet paper.
You see, locals, usually the elderly,
have been coming into the park’s restrooms
and stealing toilet paper.
Was this the hoarding instinct people had ingrained in them
during the wonderful days of Mao’s collectivism?
Or were they simply planning to TP Tiananmen Square?
So how did park authorities stop
the toilet paper pilfering?
Well, in China,
the only logical solution is obviously...
to hook up the toilet paper dispensers
to facial recognition software.
Take a moment to imagine this.
Before you do your business,
you need to go to the central toilet paper dispensary.
Where one of these things scans your face.
30 seconds later,
it will spit out 2 feet of toilet paper.
If you want more,
you have to wait 9 minutes.
That’s how long it takes for the machine
to delete your stored image.
Hey, whatever happened to
each according to need?
And if ever there were a basic human need,
it’s toilet paper.
You can check out the process on the New York Times’s
lamest gif ever.
Don’t worry.
According to a park spokesman,
"If we encounter guests who have diarrhea
or any other situation in which they
urgently require toilet paper,
then our staff on the ground
will directly provide the toilet paper.”
I'm not sure how you're supposed to contact
the staff on the ground.
But at least with the extra toilet paper they bring,
you can bury your face in shame.
The best part is,
in order to save money on all the toilet paper,
the park spent over 4,000 dollars
on the facial recognition machines.
How much toilet paper
The Temple of Heaven is unique though.
No, not because of the facial recognition software.
They have that all over China.
No, I mean because there was toilet paper available.
Most bathrooms in China do not have toilet paper.
You have to bring your own.
There’s a reason why it’s called
the Temple of Heaven.
It’s been providing toilet paper for patrons
for the past 10 years.
Wait a minute,
this place was built in 1420,
and there was toilet paper in the bathroom
for only ten of those years?
Strange when you consider that China invented toilet paper
in the sixth century.
In the 14th century they were literally
mass manufacturing the stuff.
Man, ancient China really had its act together.
But in more recent years,
toilet paper became something of an
endangered species in China.
No, not that stuff, that's way too nice.
I'm talking about the toilet paper
that's brown and kind of stretchy,
with the pleasant texture of crepe paper
made from playground wood chips and cardboard.
You can use it as toilet paper,
or to decorate the saddest birthday party ever.
And in modern times,
bathrooms in China do not exactly
have a sparkling reputation, either.
“Most toilets have no toilet paper.
Many lack running water.
Everywhere, flushing seems optional.”
But that was 2005!
Times have changed!
In December, China’s National Tourism Administration
announced a “toilet revolution.”
Wait, the Chinese government is going to spend
a quarter of a trillion dollars on toilets?
That’s more than the GDP
of most medium-size countries.
Because clearly, toilets are something that need
an authoritarian, top-down solution.
Over the next four years,
100,000 toilets across China will be renovated
and new ones built.
There’s also a nationwide campaign
dedicated to educating people about
proper bathroom use.
And if you don’t behave,
you’ll be blacklisted from using them.
You know I think this episode better sums up
what it’s like in China under the Chinese Communist Party
than any other of the 600 videos on this channel.
But I don't think that facial recognition software
really goes far enough to prevent
toilet paper theft.
What if people start bringing
masks into the bathroom?
Maybe instead they should tag rolls of toilet paper
with those anti-shoplifting devices.
Or force people to answer complicated math questions
before dispensing toilet paper.
Or just use a different brand of toilet paper.
Because with Charmin Ultra,
less is more.
Well, if anyone from China’s National Tourism Administration
is watching,
I have plenty of great ideas like these.
Including my exclusive line
of China Uncensored Toilets.
So what do you think of Beijing authorities
using facial recognition software
to provide access to toilet paper?
Leave your comments below.
Thanks for watching this episode of China Uncensored.
Once again I’m your host Chris Chappell,
see you next time.