[ Cheers and applause ] -From the breathtaking pool deck
of his Miami mansion,
Paulo Montenegro presents "Legends."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Good afternoon, and welcome to "Legends."
I am Paulo Montenegro,
proprietor of this 2,000-acre estate
and owner of the hundreds of well-behaved zoo animals
that roam here amongst my butlers, chefs,
and tennis-court ball boys. [ Laughter ]
But my many fortunes and accomplishments
amount to nothing more than the stench of a wandering drifter
when compared to this man --
this man, who is a gift to the human race.
So please join me in welcoming
my guest, my dear friend, and a true legend --
Mr. Armondo Gabriel Gabrielmente.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, Gabriel. -[ Chuckles ]
-Armondo. -Hey.
[ Laughter ] -Armondo.
It's so good to see you.
-Yes, please. The "good to see you" is all mine.
-Oh, I offer you my finest woven pool chair.
-I graciously accept your cushioned masterpiece.
[ Laughter ]
Ahhhhh. -Ahhhhh.
-[ Chuckles ]
-But first, let me get this off my chest.
-What? -I am so deeply unworthy
of sitting inches away from a legend such as yourself.
-No. No, my friend.
You are the legend. Come on.
-But how could I possibly be the legend
when the person who befalls my undeserving gaze
is the true legend?
-Listen to me one time only.
The only way you could be looking at the legend
is if I were holding up a mirror
so you could see your own reflection.
[ Laughter ] -[ Chuckling ] Oh.
-Yeah, there you go. -Put that away.
-Ah, come on. -However...
-[ Laughs ]
-However magnificent your mirror's design
and craftsmanship may be,
one of the two people here --
one of them is a legend, and the other [chuckles] is me.
-No, no. [ Laughter ]
The legend is you. Okay?
You've conquered empires. You've tamed beasts.
You swam across the Atlantic Ocean
using nothing but a yacht.
You are the legend. [ Laughter ]
-But you once crawled through the desert
for eight straight years, arrived in Las Vegas,
and won $600 at the "Jerry Maguire" slot machine,
which you spent on front-row seats
to "Criss Angel MINDFREAK."
You are the legend. [ Laughter ]
-All right. I hear you.
You have taught babies to grow and roosters to crow.
You have Jet Skied with a dolphin
with his flippers holding your muffin top
all the way to Club Latitude.
[ Laughter ]
-I hold not even the most scented of candles
to your generosity.
You donated your testicles to the Smithsonian...
[ Laughter ]
...and refused to sign for the package
when they sent them back.
[ Laughter ]
-Ah, this is true.
But you won 1,500 tickets at Chuck E. Cheese.
But instead of spending it on a dart board,
you gave your tickets to a little boy.
And that boy grew up to be a man.
And that man's name is George Stephanopoulos.
[ Laughter ]
-You once slipped a note under your neighbors' door
asking them to keep it down,
but were able to straddle the line
between passive-aggressive and straight-up rude,
so they still like you. [ Laughter ]
-You once took a shower on an airplane
and you were not in first class and there was no shower.
[ Laughter ]
-I must toast to a legend.
-I have no choice but to do the same.
-Sergio! [ Claps hands ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
-Please.
Mr. Montenegro.
Mr. Gabrielmente. [ Breathes sharply ]
I beg you to take the wine from this tray...
[ Light laughter ] [ Breathes deeply ]
...for in your presence,
I am but a smudge of sweat
on the ball sac of an elderly tennis instructor...
[ Laughter ] ...as he unwinds in the sauna
of the Fort Lauderdale Marriott Harbor Beach Resort & Spa.
[ Laughter ]
[ Breathes sharply ]
His sac, as we know, is asymmetrical.
[ Light laughter ] And I must tell you --
I reside on the droopier half... [ Laughter ]
...when standing in the midst of such legends!
-Sergio! Sergio!
Dial it down maybe 18% to 20%.
-Yes, I shall give you 19%!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right.
-A toast to the legend! -A toast to the legend!
-Jinx. -Jinx.
-Ohh. -[ Chuckling ] Oh, no.
-Mnh. -You are the legend.
When you rent a car,
you figure out where the windshield wipers are
on the first try. [ Laughter ]
-You eat coal and poop diamonds.
-You eat Skittles and poop rainbows.
[ Laughter ]
-You eat raisins and poop grapes.
-You eat poop and poop food,
then you eat that food and poop poop.
[ Laughter ]
You are a legend. -I am not a legend.
-It is not I. -It is you.
You are the legend. -You are the one who is legend.
-Ahhh. -Ahhh.
-Well, my producer Mark is giving me the wrap-it-up signal,
so I am ashamed to say... -All right.
...we must wrap it up. -Yes.
-But not before I sing... -Say goodbye.
...the song of the legend.
-Yes.
♪♪
-♪ You are a legend ♪
♪ And I do not deserve to sing with you ♪
-♪ No, you are the legend ♪
♪ And I should be spanked for even being near you ♪
-♪ Legend ♪ -♪ Legend ♪
[ Cheers and applause ] See you next week on "Legends"!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
♪♪