This is a divorce attorney,
don't get all upset about that, okay?
He's also the, maybe unexpected, author
of How to Stay in Love,
practical wisdom from an unexpected source.
Please welcome James Sexton.
(audience cheering)
Who would know more about how to stay together
than the person who knows the most
about what tore people apart?
Exactly right.
You now, I think divorce lawyers in general
actually have a fairly low divorce rate,
because we see Because you see it.
We just see all the ways.
You know, we fall in love so fast.
And then we fall out of love very slowly sometimes.
And no single rain drop's
responsible for the flood, you know.
It's all these little disconnections
that make us lose the plot of the story
we were trying to write with the person we're with, and so.
That's beautifully said.
Thank you.
Mike and I have been married for 38 years,
dated for 10 years before that.
So, 48 years together.
(audience applauding)
Mike traveled with work four days a week.
So, four days a week I was alone in my home,
did whatever I wanted, kept it the way I wanted.
Well, Mike retired two years ago.
(Rachael groaning) (James inhaling)
How lovely, someone else is in my home.
My home (laughing).
But we're adjusting and I come home
and the place is not how I left it.
(laughing)
People get in routines.
And this happens in every marriage.
I think, kids go off to grade school for the first time.
That's a change.
Kids go off to college, that's a change.
And the interesting thing about marriages
that are functional and work well is it's a dance, you know,
it's constantly music changes
and you have to sort of adjust the dance to the changes.
Yeah.
You know, what I'm hearing when you say this
is that there's a transition,
and one of the things that's great is in 48 years,
you've endured transitions before.
You've been through it and I'm sure the tools that you used
to get through the other transitions that you've had,
those same tools, you know, communication with each other,
being really honest with each other
about how this is affecting you.
The fact that you admit that you know,
this feels a little weird.
What really happens in marriages that end up in my office,
in divorce lawyers' offices
is people keep quiet about those little resentments,
or those little things that make them uncomfortable,
and that's how, anybody who's married for more than a year
could tell you you're having a conversation
with your spouse about like the best way to make toast,
and you know, you're disagreeing, and three minutes later,
it's like I never liked your mother!
You know. (audience laughing)
You look at each other, like wait, how did we get there?
You know.
And how long have you been carrying that around?
So, I think the fact that you're just talking about it,
that you're admitting that, you know, it's a little weird.
It's just weird having you around the house again.
It's not unpleasant.
But it's weird.
So, if you talk about it that way,
and you're open about it,
I think it's gonna be a much smoother transition
for both of you.
So, we have been married for 31 years.
Yay!
(audience cheering)
This is my soulmate.
He's the greatest husband ever.
But this man has to have a spreadsheet
for everything he does.
Shut up.
Everything.
Everything from the movies we go to
to events that we go to.
I mean packing lists for the family.
She sometimes thinks of the big picture,
but I take care of all the things
that fall in between the cracks.
So, what we're trying to
figure out-- Wait a minute.
Is what is the happy medium.
I'm leaving.
Wait a minute.
But the thing is is I don't think everything
requires a spreadsheet.
So, it's clear the two of you like each other,
so that's a really good thing. We do.
All right, so what this sounds like to me,
you know, I think sometimes the characteristics
of a person that make the situation that we like
sometimes can get on our nerves, right?
So, I'm sure the spreadsheet thing can get annoying for you.
By the way, I'm exactly like you.
We'd be great roommates.
(laughing)
What I'll say though is you probably like
having an organized life that runs smoothly
and works well, and that's a great thing,
but what you're saying is the process of getting there
sometimes is a little much.
There you go.
I think you can hear that as the criticism that it is,
but it's a fair criticism in a sense
that this is her experience of it.
So, what you could look at is you could say
you know what, I'm gonna make a spreadsheet of my day,
which I'm sure you do, right?
You have a calendar or something like that.
And you could have a period of time in that
that you say, I'm not making any spreadsheets
during this time.
That's one way to handle it.
Another way to handle it would be to just, again,
when you're thinking about the activities
that you're doing, really take some time to do things
differently every now and then.
Make some room in your life for a little chaos sometimes
where there's no spreadsheet, hands off the wheel.
You need to leave a few blocks empty on your spreadsheet.
Right, right.
There you go.
(audience cheering) (twinkling)