MY FIRST GUEST CREATED "SEINFELD," AND THIS THURSDAY
NIGHT, HE'LL BE IN A YEAR-LONG RESIDENCY AT THE BEACON THEATER
HERE IN NEW YORK.
PLEASE WELCOME JERRY SEINFELD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS ) THAT'S IT.
GOOD NIGHT!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) I HEARD BACKSTAGE THAT ONE OF
THE CHANGES MADE TO THE THEATER, BIGGER SEATS.
WHY?
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK WE HAVE A
WEIGHT PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY.
I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM UNTIL WE'RE ALL
PHYSICALLY TOUCHING EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN IT IS SOLID, HUMAN FLESH.
FROM COAST TO COAST.
A JAR OF OLIVES JUST-- ( LAUGHTER )
"SOMEONE'S GOT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT.
I CAN'T MOVE!" A LOT OF REPORTS, INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTS ON TV, WEIGHT PROBLEM IN AMERICA.
THEY ALWAYS START THE SAME-- SIDEWALK SHOT, REGULAR PEOPLE.
RIGHT?
CAREFULLY ANGLED, CUTTING THEM OFF AT THE HEAD.
WE DON'T WANT TO SEE WHO IT IS.
AREN'T SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE AT HOME LATER GOING, "HEY, THAT'S
MY ASS ON CNN!
THAT'S NOT FAIR!" ( LAUGHTER )
"JUST STEPPED OUT TO GET SOME DONUT HOLES."
THE DONUT HOLE.
LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE.
WHAT A HORRIBLE LITTLE SNACK.
IF YOU WANT A DONUT, HAVE A DONUT.
WHY ARE YOU EATING THE HOLE?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SUCH A FREAKY, METAPHYSICAL
CONCEPT TO BEGIN WITH.
YOU CAN'T SELL PEOPLE HOLES.
A HOLE-- A HOLE DOES NOT EXIST.
WORDS HAVE MEANINGS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
A HOLE-- ( APPLAUSE )
A HOLE IS THE ABSENCE OF WHATEVER IS SURROUNDING IT,
OKAY.
IF THEY WERE REALLY DONUT HOLES, THE BAG WOULD BE EMPTY.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
AND THE DONUTS THAT YOU GOT THE HOLES FROM WOULDN'T HAVE HOLES
BECAUSE YOU TOOK THEM.
NOW, IF YOU WANT, YOU COULD TAKE WHAT THEY'RE CALLING DONUT
HOLES, BUT THEY ARE NOT.
THEY ARE DONUT PLUGS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU COULD TAKE THE PLUG AND
SHOVE IT IN THE HOLE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH I DON'T EVEN FEEL
COMFORTABLE SAYING FOR SOME REASON.
BUT THAT WOULD ELIMINATE THE DONUT, THE HOLE, AND THE PLUG,
BUT YOU STILL HAVE A FAT ASS AND PEOPLE SHOOTING YOU WITH A
CAMERA AS YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, SO IT DOESN'T WORK.
( APPLAUSE ) I TRAVEL A LOT.
I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS, A LOT OF BUFFETS.
THE BUFFET IS BASIC AN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, WELL, THINGS ARE
BAD.
HOW CAN WE MAKE IT WORSE?
HOW COULD WE DESIGN A FOOD-HUMAN INTERACTION ENVIRONMENT THAT'S
BASICALLY LIKE DRIVING YOUR DOG UP TO PETCO, GIVING HIM MONEY,
AND SAYING, "WHY DON'T YOU GO IN AND GET WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU
SHOULD HAVE."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU COME BACK TWO HOURS LATER,
THE DOG'S WEARING A HEADSET WORKING THERE AS AN ASSISTANT
MANAGER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE BUFFET?
IT FASCINATES ME.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT BREAKS DOWN THE MIND, REASON,
JUDGMENT, PORTION, SIZES, COMBINATIONS.
NOBODY WOULD GO INTO A RESTAURANT AND SAY TO THE
WAITER, "I WANT A YOBURT PARFAIT, SPARE RIBS, A WAFFLE,
FOUR COOKIES AND AN EGG WHITE OMELET."
PEOPLE BUILD THESE DEATH ROW LAST MEAL WISH LISTS.
IT'S LIKE A WORKING MODEL OF ALL THEIR EMOTIONAL ISSUES, AND
PERSONAL NEEDS, AND THEN-- THEN THEY CAN'T DECIDE WHEN THEY'RE
DONE, SO THEY JUST START SPINNING LIKE A ROBOT VACUUM
WITH KALE CHIPS, MAPLE BACON.
THEY BUMP INTO THE WALL, MUFFIN, MUFFIN, MUFFIN, MUFFIN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY START ACCOSTING STRANGERS--
"SKEWS ME.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?
I DIDN'T SEE THAT?
THAT'S A CARAMELIZED CHICKEN LEG.
I HAVE TO TRY THAT.
GIVE ME YOURS.
YOU CAN GET MORE.
COME ON!" ( LAUGHTER )
THE OPPOSITE OF THE BUFFET IS THE SWANSON HUNGRY MAN TV
DINNER.
A LITTLE TASTE OF PRISON RIGHT THERE IN YOUR OWN HOME.
( LAUGHTER ) TRY THE LEVON WORTH CHICKEN OR
THE ALCATRAZ MEAT BALLS THIS WEEK.
EVERY BOX OF SWANSONS SAYS "HUNGRY MAN" ON THE BOX.
I IMAGINE THEY HAD A MARKETING MEETING.
THEY WENT, "ALL RIGHT, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE
QUALITY.
WE'RE AGREED UPON THAT.
SO WHICH SEGMENT OF THE PUBLIC SHOULD WE TARGET THAT COULD
POTENTIALLY EVEN CHOKE THIS PIG FOOD DOWN?"
WHAT ABOUT HUNGRY MEN THAT ARE BROKE, ALONE, AND STARVING?
TASTE IS THE LEAST OF THEIR PROBLEMS.
BUT IT'S AN HONEST PRODUCT.
IT'S A TV DINNER.
THEY'RE TELLING YOU TV DINNER.
STARE AT THE SCREEN AND CHEW.
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
EYES FRONT.
GRIND IT OUT!
( LAUGHTER ) I DO THINK SWANSON HAS HELPED
PEOPLE.
IT HELPS PEOPLE REACH THEIR PERSONAL LIFE GOALS, IN A WAY.
I'VE HAD-- I HAD MILLIONS OF THEM WHEN I WAS STARTING OUT.
WHEN YOU-- YOU PEEL BACK THAT-- THAT PLASTIC COVER, YOU PLOW
THROUGH THOSE FOUR COMPARTMENTS OF HELL.
BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THAT PEACH COBBLER, YOU GO, "I GOTTA
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MY LIFE!" "I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS!"
( APPLAUSE ) SWANSON.
WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT SWAN SONG.
MY LIFE IS OVER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JERRY SEINFELD.