>> Stephen: HI, SO PRETTY.
THAT WAS SO PRETTY.
THAT'S SUCH A PRETTY WACK GROUND.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR, WRITER, AND COMEDIAN.
HIS NEW BOOK IS "101 THINGS TO DEFINITELY NOT DO IF YOU WANT TO
GET A CHICK."
PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY WILL FORTE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AWFULLY NICE.
THAT'S AWFULLY NICE.
THAT'S A TUXEDO JACKET.
>> I HAVE PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT RECENTLY, AND THIS IS THE JACKET
THAT FIT, SO... THE PANT ARE A DIFFERENT COLOR.
>> Stephen: BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT LOOKS VERY HIP.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: LIKE DEVIL MAY CARE.
>> MY HIMSELF HAVE GOTTEN BIGGER AND I THANK YOU FOR BRINGING
THAT UP.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GAINING THE WEIGHT FOR A PART?
>> I GAINED THE WEIGHT WHILE I WAS DOING A PART.
>> Stephen: THAT IS GOOD.
THAT IS GOOD.
BUT YOUR TUXEDO IS YOUR LARGEST GARMENT?
>> CURRENTLY THERE IS-- I HAVE BIGGER ONES, BUT THEY'RE TOO
BIG.
SO THIS WAS THE ONE THAT WORKED WITH THE PANTS THAT FIT.
( LAUGHTER ) BARELY.
I'M DOING ALL I CAN.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FANTASTIC.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
>> SO DO YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, VERY KIND, VERY KIND.
I UNDERSTAND BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE YOU HAVING IN YOU
NEED TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST.
>> YES, I FEEL VERY BAD.
THERE WAS-- I WENT TO VISIT SOME FRIENDS LAST NIGHT, JASON
SEDAIKIS AND OLIVIA WILDE.
NO BIG DEAL.
I'M FRIENDS WITH THEM.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
>> WHATEVER.
I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.
BUT IT WAS, YOU KNOW, THOSE TWO PRETTY BIG-TIME CELEBRITIES, AND
I'M FRIENDS WITH THEM.
NO, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, EXCEPT FOR THAT'S
WHERE I WAS.
BUT I CALLED AN UBER TO LEAVE, AND THE UBER SHOWS UP.
I GET IN THE CAR, AND IMMEDIATELY, I WAS HIT WITH
THIS, LIKE, FLOWERY SMELL.
AND SO I WANTED TO BE FRIENDLY WITH THIS GUY.
I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD.
AND I SAID, "IT SMELLS WONDERFUL IN HERE."
AND HE KIND OF LOOKED BACK AND MADE THIS WEIRD, LIKE,
EMBARRASSED SMILE AND SAID, "YEAH, YEAH."
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK THAT MEANT.
AND THEN WE TOOK OFF, LIKE, 10 SECONDS LATER, THE WINDOWS WERE
DOWN.
AND THEN I REALIZED IT-- THE ODOR WAS COVERING UP THIS MAN'S
HORRIBLE BODY ODOR PROBLEM.
IT WAS A BIG PROBLEM.
AND, LIKE, SO, I THINK THIS GUY THOUGHT THAT I WAS, LIKE,
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY SAYING, "YOU REEK, DUDE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO IT WAS THE MOST
UNCOMFORTABLE RIDE.
I CAN'T SAY, "HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU SMELLED SO BAD OUR
WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT."
SO-- ( LAUGHTER )
SO, JUST-- I JUST, YOU KNOW, SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY-- APOLOGIZE
TO THE STINKY UBERCAR DRIVER.
>> Stephen: HE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE, OBVIOUSLY?
>> PROBABLY.
I MEAN... NO, I'M KIDDING.
NO, NO, NO, JASON OR OLIVIA WAS NOT IN THE CAR, SO THERE WAS NOT
PROBABLY A RECOGNIZABLE FACE.
I AM FRIENDS WITH THOSE GUYS, THOUGH, ISN'T THAT COOL?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF FAMOUS PEOPLE
BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAMOUS PERSON.
I UNDERSTAND THIS WAS LIKE HOMECOMING FOR YOU.
YOU ACTUALLY WORKED IN THIS BUILDING.
YOU WROTE FOR LETTERMAN.
>> IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING THINGS.
HE'S ONE OF MY HEROES.
>> Stephen: MINE, TOO.
>> I SENT HIM THESE CARTOONS THAT I DREW --
>> THAT'S A NICE SEGWAY.
YOU HAVE "101 THINGS TO DEFINITELY NOT DO IF YOU WANT TO
GET A CHICK."
>> YEAH, THESE ARE THE FIRST THINGS THAT I EVER WROTE IN
COMEDY.
IT WAS THE VERY FIRST THING.
I WAS 24 YEARS OLD.
SENT THEM TO LETTERMAN.
GOT HIRED HERE MAINLY BECAUSE OF THAT.
THE PACT I TURNED IN WAS DOG CRAP.
IT WAS NOT GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, YOU KNOW, NOW 22 YEARS
LATER, SOMEBODY IS LETTING ME PUBLISH THEM.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THE TIME WHEN YOU DREW
THESE?
>> I WAS WORKING AT A MUSIC PUBLISHING COMPANY.
>> Stephen: AND DOING WHAT?
>> I WAS-- I WOULD JUST TAPE TAPES.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, THERE WERE TAPE-TO-TAPE
THINGS.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS MADE UP.
>YOU SOUND MADE UP.
>> I'M SERIOUS.
I WITHOUT PULLED IN A TAPE WITH A SONG ON IT AND WAIT FOR FOUR
MINUTES WHILE THIS THING DUBBED.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A HIGH-SPEED DUB THING.
I WAS WAITING AND I HAD TIME TO KILL SO I STARTED DRAWING SOME
OF THESE -- >> LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THESE
STUPID DRAWINGS OF YOURS.
PROUDLY STUPID.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'LL HOLD THEM UP, AND YOU DESCRIBE-- THESE ARE
THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO GET A CHICK OR A GIRL.
HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT.
THIS IS SOMETHING TO NOT DO.
>> NEVER TAKE BOARD GAMES TOO SERIOUSLY.
SP THEN ONE SAYS, "YOU WHORE, MRS. CARTER.
YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP."
THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.
THAT'S SOLID ADVICE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW, THAT WAS-- LIKE, THAT'S--
>> Stephen: TAKE A LOOK AT THAT ONE.
>> "NEVER PRETEND YOU'RE A GIANT PORK."
( LAUGHTER ) "FEEL HOW SHARP MY TINES ARE.
I CAN PICK UP MEATS OF ALL DIFFERENT GRADES AND TEXTS."
IF YOU DO THAT -- >> THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE.
I THOUGHT MAYBE SHE WOULD LIKE THIS, BUT YOU'RE SAYING A WOMAN
WOULD NOT LIKE THIS.
>> "NEVER TATTOO HER FACE ON YOUR FACE."
IT'S A GOOD-- IT'S SOLID ADVICE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE 24 YEARS OLD.
>> 24 YEARS OLD.
>> Stephen: DID YOU SHOW THESE-- DID YOU SHOW THESE TO
ANYONE?
BECAUSE THESE ARE ALSO COMMITMENT PAPERS.
THESE ARE LIKE-- DID YOU SHOW THESE TO ANYMORE WHEN YOU WERE
24?
>> I DID SHOW THEM TO MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIME, AND SHE
DID NOT LIKE THEM.
BUT I GOTTA SAY, LIKE -- >> I LOVE THEM.
>> I WAS 24 AND SINGLE.
AND I'M 46 AND SINGLE.
SO YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING HERE.
THIS IS GOOD ADVICE!
>> Stephen: WHY WOULD ANYONE LISTEN TO YOU IF YOU'RE STILL
SINGLE AT 46?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HAVE YOU HAD A BAD DATE?
HAVE YOU HAD A PARTICULARLY BAD DATE?
YOU KNOW?
>> I'VE HAD A LOT OF BAD DATES.
PLENTY OF BAD DATES.
>> Stephen: ANY PARTICULARLY DISASTROUS FIRST BAD DATES?
>> I DIDN'T GO OUT ONCE WITH THIS GIRL, AND A PERSON CAME UP
AND SAID-- WE WERE HANGING AROUND, AND THIS PERSON CAME UP
AND SAID-- IT WAS WHILE I WAS WORKING AT "IS THE NIGHT LIVE."
>> Stephen: YOU WERE FAMOUS AT THIS POINT.
>> YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW JASON OR OLIVIA YET.
BUT THAT WAS TO COME.
THAT WAS DESTINED.
ANYWAY, THIS PERSON COMES UP AND SAYS LIKE, "OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE?" AND I WAS GETTING READY TO PLAY
IT COOL WITH THIS GIRL AND GO, "YEAH, I'M ON THAT SHOW, YEAH.
THAT'S ME."
AND SHE SAID, "QUENTIN TARANTINO."
AND I GO, "OH."
IT DID NOT WORK IN THE SAME WAY I WAS EXPECTING IT TO.
AND I'M 46 AND SINGLE SO THINGS DID NOT MOVE FORWARD WITH THAT
WOMAN.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU, YOU KNOW, YOU ALSO DO "THE LAST MAN
ON EARTH" WHICH IS THE THIRD SEASON COMING UP.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: GREAT SHOW.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU SEEM LIKE A FUN GUY.
YOU TOOK THE WHOLE CAST AND CREW OUT FOR A FUN OUTING HERE.
THIS IS-- WHAT IS THIS CALLED?
YOU TOOK THE WHOLE-- >> IT'S CALLED A BAR-CYCLE, OR
BAR SICKLE.
IT WAS OR FIRST DAY BACK WHEN WE STARTED WRITING.
WE GOT ALL THE WRITERS TOGETHER AND SURPRISED THEM AND WENT DOWN
TO MAIN STREET IN SANTA MONICA, AND THE CAST MET UP WITH US --
>> YOU PEDAL FROM BAR IT BAR?
>> YOU PEDAL FROM BAR TO BAR.
>> Stephen: THERE IS A BAR ON THE GIANT BICYCLE.
>> THERE IS A BAR ON THERE AND THERE ARE LEGITIMATE BARS AS
WELL, AND WE WERE JUST KIND OF GOING TO DIFFERENT PLACE S.
>> Stephen: SOMEONE WAS STEERING.
SOMEONE WAS STEERING HOPEFULLY.
>> SOMEONE IS STEERING, AND SOMEONE IS DOING THE BRAKES.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL-- THIS GUY RIGHT HERE IS JUST KIND
OF LAYING DOWN THE WHOLE TIME.
YOU FEEL KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIS FUNCTION IS.
>> Stephen: WHO IS THIS-- TED DANSON WAS FOLLOWING US IN THE
CAR BECAUSE MARY WAS JUST LIKE, "I WANT TO PSYCHEOLE THERE WITH
THE RIDERS."
>> Stephen: HIS WIFE, MARY STEEN BEVERAGEN WAS ON THE CYCLE
WITH YOU, BUT HE JUST FOLLOWED?
>> HE JUST FOLLOWED.
HE'S THE BEST GUY OF ALL TIME, A DOTING HUSBAND.
>> Stephen: A DESIGNATED DRIVER ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT
VEHICLE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY SAFE.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
I UNDERSTAND YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TROUBLE SAYING GONE AT PARTIES,
GOOD-BYE AT PARTIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> I DO.
I HAVE A TOUCH OF O.C.D.s.
IT'S MAINLY LIKE CHECKING THINGS AND PATTERNS AND STUFF.
BUT ONE OF THE THINGS, I NEED CLOSURE ON EVERYTHING.
I DO HAVE-- IT JUST TAKES FOREVER TO GET ME --
>> YOU SAY BYE TO EVERYONE.
>> I SAY BYE TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE BEFORE
YOU GO?
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
I HAVE TO.
>> Stephen: WILL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
"101 THINGS TO DEFINITELY NOT DO IF YOU WANT TO GET A CHICK" IS
AVAILABLE NOW.
WILL FORTE, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DERMOT MULRONEY.