Hope you've been enjoying the AVGN boost for the holidays.
First, just a heads up: a game that's NOT ass, Vikings: War of Clans, has a new update.
It resembles top strategy and RPG games of the 90s and 2000s,
giving you the option to choose your own play style.
Build fortresses, dominate by destroying cities,
or use Master your diplomacy skills to rule the world.
Play for 5 minutes and see why over 12 million gamers are so addicted to it.
Support my channel today, download Vikings from the links below in the description,
and get your initial protection shield for free,
and my special bonus of 200 gold for a fast and successful start.
Now, watch some more Nerd. Enjoy.
... Alright, well, what game am I gonna torture myself with today...
Charlie: Good morning, Nerd!
Nerd: Huh? Wait, who said that?
Charlie: Down here, Nerd!
Nerd: The fuck is that thing?
Charlie: It's me, Charlie! I've come to help you with your game decision.
I've got one in mind I think you'll like!
Nerd: Oh y-y-yeah, that's just what I need, thank you. Thank you very much!
How about you just get the hell outta here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
Charlie: Why don't you take a look at the game first?
Nerd: Oh yeah, Charlie's Angels: The Movie: The Game.
I heard that one's some Grade-A ASS.
Charlie: Indeed it is, Nerd! But you'll only find out if you play!
NOW PLAY IT!
Nerd: Okay... alright, so somebody comes and makes me play a game.
Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny... uh... Speaker phone, I mean, this is an all time low!
WE'RE REACHIN' HERE!
And you know where.
What do you think I do all day, just sit around and play shitty games?!
♪He's gonna take you back to the past♪
♪To play the shitty games that suck ass♪
♪He'd rather have a buffalo♪
♪Take a diarrhea dump in his ear♪
♪He'd rather eat the rotten asshole♪
♪Of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer♪
♪He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard♪
♪He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd♪
♪He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd♪
♪He's the Angry Video Game Nerd♪
Nerd: Charlie's Angels! It was a TV show about 3 private investigators
who work for a mysterious billionaire named Charlie.
The show was a hit and helped launch Farrah Fawcett into stardom.
In 2000 they remade it as a feature film, with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu.
It was a success, and helped popularize over-the-top kung-fu style fighting with American audiences.
Not EVERYONE liked it: Roger Ebert only gave it half a star, calling it "Eye candy for the blind",
and that it was like the "trailer for a video game movie, lacking only the video game, and the movie."
But of course, here is: The Video Game.
Which game out the same year as the movie's sequel, Full Throttle, which was deemed "Unwatchable".
Which I guess means the game is gonna be unplayable.
The game begins with the Statue of Liberty being stolen.
"New York is Orphan"?!
What?! Is the Statue of Liberty New York's mommy?!
Shouldn't it be "New York is Orphaned" or "New York is an Orphan"?!
Yeah, I got a headline: This Game is Sucks!
The goal in this game is to find out who's stealing the world's monuments.
So... it's like Mario is Missing?
In your first missions, you have to infiltrate a bikini contest.
I have no idea how those two things are related.
It might've been explained in the opening cutscene,
but I was distracted by all the characters' soulless dead eyes.
You start the first level as Cameron Diaz's character,
And....
Wh-- Why did they do this to her face?!
She looks like the Joker!
Evil Horrible Cameron Diaz: Love that Joker!
Nerd: Is part of her head shaved?!
D-d-d-does she have fucking pinkeye?!
I mean WHY in the sweet name of shit did they make her so hideous?!?!
She's supposed to be undercover,
but for some reason everyone on this beach knows who she is and just starts beating the shit out of her.
Ow, Jake!
Leave me alone, Ann!
Yeah, they gave all the enemies names like it's Final Fight or something.
Actually, this plays a lot like a sidescrolling beat-em-up, but in 3D!
In Final Fight or Streets of Rage, you'll get to parts where the screen locks,
and you can't progress until you beat the living fuck out of everyone in the section.
It worked for those games during that time period, but at this point in gaming history,
we were used to being able to freely explore all around a level.
But here you hit an invisible wall every 5 seconds.
Oh, and the camera angles.
They make me wanna dip porcupine quills in a toilet bowl cleaner
and then jab them into my FUCKIN' EYEBALLS!
It's super disorienting! Some times you'll see an enemy in the distance,
You'll start running to do a jump kick or something,
And then WOAH! Camera changes and you're not sure where he went!
Then 10 people come and clobber you with pipe wrenches!
I don't get it. this isn't Resident Evil or Final Fantasy with their pre-rendered backdrops.
Why wouldn't they just give you full control of the camera so I know what's going on?
Look at this! There's grenades and wrenches comin' at me, there's no way to dodge or avoid them!
If only you could rotate the camera, you'd be able to see where everything's coming from!
[BONK!] Augh!!
What the FUCK, somebody throws a fuckin' fire extinguisher?!
Ugh...
BLBLMGGH
hoh....OOOUUGH
[Nerd wails in pain as he is clobbered repeatedly by objects flying from off-screen]
Euughhh.... back on track.
You can switch between the different Angels, but there's no point because you have to play as all of them anyway.
After you play as Cameron Diaz, you switch to Lucy Liu,
and.... What the hell is goin' on here?
Her ass is GIGANTIC!
The proportions are not accurate. Lucy Liu's ass is not that big. I checked.
For research.
Charlie: Oh, sure! "Research"!
Nerd: SHUT UP!
And just in case you didn't notice the ass right away,
you get this ladder climbing part.
It's 30. Uninterrupted seconds. Of Ass.
Reminds me of that scene from Metal Gear Solid 3. But awful.
Well, one more Angel to go.
Let's see what they did with Drew Barrymore.
AUGH!
Eugh, she looks like... some scary doll, like fuckin' Chucky or something!
What's this, it looks like she's wearing assless pants!
Like Chaps... which are always assless.
Ugh... how did they do this?!
They took three attractive women and made them look terrifying!
....WHY?!
And... I haven't even started talking about the gameplay.
Well, let's break it down.
Every level is the same.
The Angels have to follow the arrow from Crazy Taxi,
fight their way to the end of a level, and flick a switch so the other Angels can progress.
Along the way you can get weapons and extra lives. If you REALLY hate yourself,
you can also collect film reels and memory sticks to see bonus videos and pictures!
Ya-hay.
There's also Power Items that restore your health.
Drew Barrymore gets the lighter, Lucy Liu gets a muffin, like the kind she tries to make in the films,
And Cameron Diaz gets a... CD. I have no idea why.
Each level has the same 4 or 5 enemies with the same names, and the names don't really match either.
This guy's named Ike, when clearly... he's Mario!
[imitating Mario] Hey, it's-a Lucy Liu! I love-a your movies!
[imitating Mario] Ugh.. AAAAH!!
Sometimes you have to fight a boss, like Crispin Glover's Thin Man.
The boss fights are insanely easy, and nowhere near as difficult as fighting a gang of enemies in the regular levels.
Don't forget about asses! Asses in the cutscenes, asses on the ladder,
weird Poison Ivy suits that show off more ass!
Wait, I have a special attack?! What could it be?
... It's an Ass Attack.
It's finally happened.
For years, I've been calling games ass,
but here's a game, that's literally AAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!
Charlie: I'm really sorry, Nerd. I thought you would of loved a game that was ass.
Nerd: And why would I love that?
Charlie: Because...
You're a piece of shit!
Nerd: Heheheheheh...
[GOES HOG WILD]
Charlie: No!
[HOG WILD NOISES]
Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Charlie: STOP!
Charlie: AAAaah!
Nerd: HUUAUAGGGHH
Charlie: No!
Nerd: GUUAGHGH Charlie: Please, Nerd, stop!
Nerd: [more hog wild noises] Charlie: Ow!
Hey, you're not talkin' now, CHARLIE!
[phone rings]
Nerd: Hello?
Charlie: I forgot to mention the European Playstation 2 version!
Might be fun to give that a whirl!