G'day, A.J. Mahari here welcome to the channel or welcome back it's good to see
you again where are you okay there you yeah see ya okay in this video there's
gonna talk a little bit about you know the splitting cycles idealization and
devaluation what happens initially in relationships you know for each person
that's in a relationship with somebody with BPD each person is different and
how they idealize you in the beginning similar things but it could be somewhat
different from another person and what they're cycling is going to be like in
terms of how long is the honeymoon phase going to last that varies with
individual people with BPD when is the first split to devalue gonna happen and
sometimes it happens in the dating you know sometimes it really happens in the
dating those split into value you and you know what's going on and then you
know eventually you work you know you talk it over you go around and Jayde
conversation whatever the case but you know you move on and you're so happy to
be with the person because you don't have a clue what BPD is and why would
you and so the thing is that so things start out differently in that regard
that you know it can take longer for some people at BPD to really get into
that really big split of devaluation that's major devaluation as opposed to
they can Evan flow up and down a little bit from you know kind of dropping out
of idealisation kind of getting into devaluation split they're not
necessarily always in the classic ways in which people describe that it's all
or nothing sometimes it's just not that big a deal but there'll be a little
distant even if they're you know acting out borderline as opposed to quiet
either of them they can still sometimes just be a little bit withdrawn or a
little bit quiet kind of distant kind of staring off into space kind of there
with you but not really there with you at all that can happen too but in the
idealization and evaluation splitting cycles for people at BP with
relationships that are ongoing because people VP goes they don't not all of
them they just don't so you know it's it's not accurate to say well all people
VV you're gonna ghost all people would be together but these cycles okay so
when you are with somebody who will break the connection or end the
relationship off and on whether they just say hey I don't want to see you
anymore or I need time or is gonna be a couple
weeks or a couple months before I really want to talk to you again or something
like that or they might just ghost without saying
anything right but then you know you're in that position right and and you're
like I get that person back like so many people are for the longest a tough
period of time no judgement intended the next thing you know they come back they
Hobart and then my cry and they might apologize and that promise you the moon
and they'll go to therapy and all kinds of things and did they learn things in
that they've changed and then yeah that settles in for however long this cycle
is with each different person with BPD it could be an hour it could be five
hours it could be half a day a day it could be two days it could be a week it
could be two weeks and then the next thing you know boom triggered again
split devalue ghost or the relationships off again and you will see many people
out there who are partners of people BPD and I've worked with so many over the
last thirty years they will get the patterns they'll see the patterns
they'll start to see you can kind of really watch know when when the person
would be peeing that you're close to in your life specially in a significant
other relationship and when they start to split people can almost predict it by
the time by the cycles because people have each person BPD has their own kind
of cycling pattern and that all would be PA are so predictable but there are many
that have very predictable patterns of cycling and devaluation and after
devaluation do they really get back to realizing you know like each and every
time especially in on and off relationships to each and every time the
devaluation split to go to Hoover back or you Hoover
back or just an on-and-off-again thing right it happens many many times over
each time they come back saying you know they've changed some things no they get
it now they're sorry well they don't get back to idealize in
you you don't get the person that you met back you're like where is that
person you're still looking for the person who you thought they were when
you fell in love with them and the key thing about this and again I
have other videos on this talk more in depth about it on the channel if you
want to look up you know inside idealization what's that all about
how about splitting cycle ends devaluation being ghosted by person with
BPD so many videos on the channel here and the thing is I just wanted to say in
this video to make it clear that these cycles will each and every time there's
an on-off cycle so a devaluation split and and whether they leave or they just
don't talk to you for a while or they goes to break up come back whatever
their pattern is and then I was saying but sometimes person with BPD will do a
devaluation split would be the final devaluation split and they won't who
were you again they're not all the same but the point is it's key to know here
is that the psycho speed up each and every time you go around one of these
cycles of on and off again and they come back then they're going to get into
devaluation they're not going to really realize you and they're going to get
into a split devalue again more quickly each time and the cycles go around very
quickly and so people that are in these on off again type of relationships with
somebody with BPD and they're splitting and they're arguing and evaluating and
they keep coming back and you keep letting and come back and that and
people do this sometimes 10 12 14 20 times
seriously and sometimes in short periods of time this happens and then what
happens is every time they come back they're going to devalue faster and more
strongly probably and they're going to ghost or whatever the pattern is breakup
if you and they might start to take longer
to come back around the cycle to you Hoover them but they Hoover you or
however that works in the pattern with the person with you that that's in your
life of BPD so these cycles were speed up and there will be less time that is
anything like what you hoped for last positive time more devaluation more
tasks more drama whatever that looks like for how are the personal PPE
manifests it with you know that in your life manifested so the on off again is
like what I talked about in a video of mine you know that I don't know what
it's called but it but it it's it's called you know like there's a subtitle
but if you just look for the thumbnails as closer and closer apart this is
what's happening in this cycle right the on and off again relationships and
around and around around go the cycle is speeding up the devaluation is happening
more the devaluation is getting stronger and stronger that a person with BPD
and they can't get back to reaiiy deal ization and they're just putting you
through it's like being in the spin cycle forever of like a dryer or
something they're just putting you through the wringer and maybe I shoulda
said washing machine old washing machines of wingers never mind so thing
is with that that when they will come there will come the time when they get
to that final they won't even know what it is but the final devaluation split
and it's cyclo stops so each time the cycle goes around like I said in another
video of mine where I talk about this and more if they're going to each time
they come back each time you try and it looks okay until all of a sudden
devaluation split and off again and on again you're getting closer and closer
apart and by that I mean you know each cycle is bringing you back together
closer for a brief briefer and briefer times because it's going to bring you
closer and closer apart meaning you're getting closer to being apart you're
getting closer to a final ghosting and the president VPD doesn't
this but they're doing the best they can but bye-bye the on/off again and the
cycle speeding up and the devaluation split coming faster and faster they're
getting to a point where like there is no reai deal ization and they're just
they're just getting engulfed faster and and some people at BPD have more
engulfed in fear than abandonment fear and so when this happens if you let this
go on and I have so many clients I'm working with now and I've worked with
over 30 years where this happens and people have a greater impact it impacts
you in in way more negative ways that causes so much pain even more so than
just you know trying a relationship with something VP and then it ends and that's
really painful so this this cycling around and around with the on and off
again relationships have another video and that's probably called on an off
relationships so being into the channel or you know he's watching this video
check out what's here this there's a lot it's very in-depth it's very accurate
and it comes from a place I know you know I am sitting in a new position
other people make claim things like that but you know I had BPF fully recovered
30 years ago and I've had two exes with BPD and a BPM PDX and then I've had
healthy relationships in between and again now and so the thing about that is
I know what it's like to walk in your shoes I haven't been in those sort of on
off type of things maybe once or twice that happened with quiet ex quite BPD ex
of mine but so I'm not just sitting here or somebody who happens to be an expert
in this and I do counsel people etc but I also have your lived experience and I
have the lived experience on the other side a BPD like having had it recovered
from it fully thirty years ago like I said but also I know what it's like to
be in your shoes in you know trying to love somebody with BPD and how painful
that really is so hope this was a little
bit helpful gave you some food for thought
because if you're in an on-and-off-again cycle or you're wondering if you know
they're trying to Hoover you back and you still really haven't moved on and
you kind of having trouble keeping no contact or you didn't get to phone no
contact and you can't stop thinking about them and you know a lot of people
are teetering on that probably everyday like should I contact them back while
they contact me should I message them back and it's really difficult choices
to make and I would just say that the more times you go around the more you're
being stressed you're being hurt every time they go split you split into value
or do whatever they do some go some break up you know some stay away for a
while they won't answer your messages they won't tell you what's wrong they
just disappear they just go silent on you and and that is often what the quiet
borderline will do but it can happen also with an acting out borderline if
they're if they get into the same split to value and they might ghost but not
everybody but BP does ghost but if you're in that kind of a situation
really got understand you never really get back to the idealization of the
honeymoon phase you never really see that person again the person that you
fell in love with the person that you're in pursuit of the person that you want
to get back the person also represents something to your inner child
subconsciously in you about a parent and why it is that you have codependency
because the seeds of kotas codependency are sown in childhood and they are the
result of an adverse childhood experience might be rejection might be
abandonment might might be a shame own it you don't even have to have really
abusive parents to incur one of these type of wounds and then the pattern of
codependent relating codependent relational patterns mix with BPD
relational patterns it's kind of dysfunction to different degrees in
different ways on both sides so this on-again off-again this cycling back and
forth you're not really going to get the honeymoon phase again
and the psychos speed up and you're getting closer and closer apart closer
and closer to being apart closer and closer to the final heartbreak because
you might have had many along the way around the cycles they speed up and
there's gonna come that final discard and you won't be able to hear they won't
it won't answer you back they'll just be gone happenings in so many cases and so
I hope that was like I said food for thought or helpful but it's just really
to give you the message that you know these cycles are not gonna lead you
anywhere that you hope you're not gonna find that person again because they
don't really exist the one that you fell in love with they're not going to come
back to stay that they need so much therapy even if they went to therapy
they can't make significant change fast enough to save a relationship
couples counseling is a no-go it shouldn't even be done when somebody has
BPD because they have to work on that person with codependency has to work on
that couples counseling doesn't work in these situations
by and large so the other thing I would just say really quickly is you know it's
really painful and really difficult but the first time they leave and go and
sign the door you should leave the door closed it's in your best interest it's
more difficult to do obviously but that pain right there that you want to avoid
so you let them come back etc it just exponentially increases with every time
around the cycle cycle speed up you're getting closer and closer to being apart
and the heartache at the end of several cycles is really greater and takes
longer to recover from then the unbelievable pain of being ghosted once
going no contact and shutting that door take care