(Red) Much Ado About Nothing is the charming tale of love, betrayal, heaping loads of sarcasm,
(shouting) BRIAN BLESSED
Brian Blessed's beard, and grown men splashing around in fountains.
This classic Shakespearean tale follows the romance
between two interesting, funny, sarcastic human beings and their less interesting associates
Now for the characters.
There's this sarcastic dude, Benedick,
this sarcastic chick Beatrice
Forgettable dude Claudio,
Forgettable chick Hero
Prince Trustworthy,
and Prince Untrustworthy, a villain so flat and cardboard he can be played by Keanu Reeves.
Sarcastic Chick lives with her cousin Forgettable Chick
on the estates of Forgettable Chick's father, This Old Guy.
Our story begins when Forgettable Dude, Sarcastic Dude, and the Princes Trustworthy and Untrustworthy
along with a bunch of people no one cares about,
decide to stay at the estates of This Old Guy.
The Forgettables immediately fall in love with each other,
while The Sarcastics *pbft* totally don't of course because it's not like they like each other or anything.
Forgettable Dude decides to marry Forgettable Chick,
but he's too scared to talk to her for some reason, so instead, he convinces Prince Trustworthy to talk to her
at the masked ball they're having, for some reason.
So, Prince Trustworthy, Loveable Good Guy that he is,
decides to help him out.
So, at the ball, Prince Trustworthy is chilling with Forgettable Chick
while Forgettable Dude sits around and wets himself with anticipation,
when suddenly, with a dramatic musical cue, there appears Don Reeves himself!
*dramatic musical cue*
Don Reeves tells Forgettable Dude that Prince Trustworthy is
totally not wooing Forgettable Chick for Forgettable Dude,
instead, he's wooing her for himself.
And Forgettable Dude's all like *GASP* "Prince Trustworthy is actually untrustworthy?!"
"This is so in character for him!"
But enough of the Forgettable Dude's gullibleness, over to the hijinks of the Sarcastics!
While our friends the Forgettables are playing out their own mini soap opera,
Sarcastic Chick is talking to Totally Not Sarcastic Dude in a Funny Mask,
complaining about how annoying Sarcastic Dude is
and how he clowns around so much.
(laughs) WHAT? Clown around? This paragon of severity?
So Sarcastic Dude runs off and whines to Prince Trustworthy,
who's busily chatting up Forgettable Chick
while Forgettable Dude stares daggers at them.
And Prince Trustworthy, Loveable Good Guy that he still is,
thinks to himself "Wow, this matchmaking thing is going so well!"
"I could get used to this!"
So he hands of Forgettable Chick to Forgettable Dude
and is all like "Here dude, she's totally in love with you now."
And Forgettable Dude is all like
"Wow, you mean Prince Trustworthy was actually trustworthy? Who would've thought?"
And Don Reeves does his best "curses foiled again" face
which is, unfortunately, closer to his "just smelled poop" face.
And his happy face.
I mean, this is Keanu Reeves, we have a precedent to maintain.
So Prince Trustworthy, the Forgettables, and That Old Guy
decide to totally hook up the Sarcastics with each other
by the devious means of telling each one that the other likes them!
Because if it works in 5th grade it's got to work on two intelligent, grown adults.
But because this is a comedy it totally does,
and the Sarcastics fall head over heels for each other,
requiring this gratuitous montage of the two of them apparently regressing back to the age of five.
Anyway, so Don "Hater of Fun" John decides to try to break up the Forgettables
by the devious means of having one of his friends
sleep with their love interest in Forgettable Chick's room
while Forgettable Dude listens in for some gross reason.
So Don Reeves is all like
"That's totally Forgettable Chick in there and you can TOTALLY tell"
And Forgettable Dude's all like "doy doy seems legit, better make with the public shaming."
So the Forgettables are about to get married
when Forgettable Idiot yells that Forgettable What's Her Face
was totally sleeping with some other dude.
And Forgettable What's Her Face is all "Have we even actually spoken to each other yet?"
And Forgettable Dude's all like "No marriage for you!"
So she faints and Forgettable Dude leaves.
Like ANY good husband.
And then the friar has this TOTALLY kick-ass idea
So, if they tell Forgettable Dude that Forgettable Chick is dead,
he'll freak out and be REALLY sorry afterward.
TOTALLY worked in Romeo and Juliet, TOTALLY gonna work here.
Anyway, so then the Sarcastics wander off and officially smooch or something.
And then Sarcastic Chick tells Sarcastic Dude to go kill Forgettable Dude.
Best plan ever.
I'm not even joking.
So Forgettable Idiot and Prince Trustworthy the Gullible are just chilling,
when That Old Guy and BRIAN BLESSED come up to them.
So That Old Guy is all like "You killed my daughter because people can totally die from that sort of thing."
And Forgettable Dude's all like
"Aw man! You mean my actions have lasting consequences?"
And Don Trustworthy is all like
"I was too distracted by Brian Blessed's magnificent beard to be any paying attention to what you just said."
So That Old Guy and BRIAN BLESSED run off.
And then Sarcastic Dude shows up with his serious face on.
So Forgettable Dude's all like "Hey bro, how's it going?"
And then Sarcastic Dude's all like "I'm going to facepalm you to a wall now."
And he does. And it's AWESOME.
(Benedick) You are a villain!
(Red) So Sarcastic Dude is all like "You. Me. Duel."
And Forgettable Dude's all like "Man, f*ck consequences!"
Then That Old Dude shows up again
and he's like "You should totally marry my niece instead because I totally still have one of those."
And Forgettable Dude's all like "doy doy Seems legit."
Oh, and in the meantime, the Sarcastics are writing bad poetry for each other.
Honestly, it's like middle school all over again.
Where was I?
So Forgettable Dude goes to marry the "niece" quote unquote subtle subtle wink wink nudge nudge.
And, surprise surprise, it's ACTUALLY Forgettable Chick!
Because she still wants to marry him for some bizarre reason.
And Forgettable Dude's all like "I love it when my actions have no lasting consequences!"
"And then the Sarcastics are like "We uh, we sorta wanna get married."
"But, but not because we like each other or anything!"
And then the Forgettables are all like "Oh for the love of Mike!"
and pull out *gasp* THE BAD POETRY!
Irrefutable proof of the Sarcastics' affection.
So they all get married and live happily ever after.
*record scratch* Except for Don Reeves.
He gets to stay a fun-hating rogue forever. And probably in prison.