Being an American was kind of weird because
there is this weird thing I experienced called Customer Service.
It’s where to go to any place and they care about you.
I am a big fan of Seinfeld.
Any Seinfeld fans here?
Whoa.
And I went to the Seinfeld diner
and the diner lady came.
She said,
‘Hey, honey.
Are you ready to order?’
Because I haven’t experienced so much niceness,
I couldn’t read English anymore.
Hamburger...
Sandwich...
‘Hey honey,
honey, it is okay.
Take your time.
I will be back in 15 minutes.
I will take care of you.’
And she walked away.
My own mother hasn’t spoken to me like that.
She was so insanely nice.
Also, one thing I noticed was that Indians
are very ‘Paavam’.
Paavam.
Hmm.
People who don’t know...
what the meaning of Paavam?
Innocent.
Harmless.
It is actually the combination of
all nice things in purity.
It is like an Aquafina droplet.
It’s just...
It’s just pure.
Paavam is someone so pure that if you smoke and touch them,
then they will be like... Oh!
Nicotine!
They are just like super
clean and innocent
and no I don’t want to...
If they were given a choice they would stand
between molecules because they don’t want take space.
This Paavam.
And I realize that Indians are very Paavam.
Americans are completely the opposite.
I don’t know if...
Maybe it is the way we have been raised that
we feel that we are not entitled
to things or respect or treatment or something.
But Americans are completely the opposite.
They have the opposite
spectrum where they feel that deserve everything.
The best of everything.
So, I went to a coffee shop.
And as usual, I’m like...
around all white people.
Paavam moment on.
So, I’m going to the coffee shop,
standing in line
and there was this lady
who just came from the table and she was like...
I would like some lettuce,
some cheese, some ranch,
some ketchup and you better get it to me now.
I don’t like what this is.
He’s like,
‘Madam, that’s table decoration.’
She’s like, ‘Okay, fine.’
She didn’t even want to order anything.
And then I went and ordered a coffee.
One coffee.
She said, ‘What?’ Coffee.
Coffee.
‘Sure.’
And I had the coffee,
drank it and I was like,
‘There is no sugar.’
But I don’t deserve sugar.
This is always happening.
Also the thing is again as Indians we were always
told that fairer skin is better and everything.
We’ve been brainwashed
that white people are the ultimate of beauty.
That’s the problem.
I went there and it was a factory churning
out good-looking people.
And that is LA.
That was just good looking people everywhere.
You know how fuck all that is?
You walk in... my Paavam level was like...
got a new generator to generate my Paavam level.
Full blast, Paavam.
And I went to the beach.
Big mistake.
Because on the beach they don’t believe in t-shirts.
They will be topless.
Everyone is topless.
And everyone is like...
there are guys running
wearing a small brief
and one leg shoes
and the iPod, I don’t know where it’s hooked onto.
I see headphones
but I don’t know where the...
There is no space.
Bare minimum covering is happening.
They are just running.
All guys are just running. Perfect body.
Like Michelangelo has sculpted their body.
Their muscles are singing.
That’s what they’re listening to.
I feel like they were sweating gold.
I want to collect that gold
and invest it and watch it appreciate.
They were so cool that oxygen was following them.
Oxygen says, ‘I’m with this guy.
Fuck you, Kenny.’
And then, so I was like,
I want to be cool.
Okay?
I know how to roller skate.
And everyone was rollerblading.
And I didn’t know those two things are different.
I was like instead of four wheels it is in one line. Easy.
So, I went.
He asked,
Do you want rollerskates or rollerblades?
I’m like...
whatever is convenient for you.
So he gave me rollerblades
and I fell on my ass 10 times.
And the thing is...
I was secretly hoping that when I went to America,
I would face racism
and I would get great material.
And I’ll come here and guys, full racism.
But everyone is really nice.
So it was even worse.
Too nice.
Everyone talks to each other.
Like Punjabis. The same.
They are all friendly.
I got rollerblades and I’m falling.
And every time I fell,
some random white dude just stopped.
Hey man,
you okay?
Yeah, man.
You.
I care about you, man.
Why do we fall?
So we can pick ourselves up again.
Thank you, uncle.
I didn’t know what to say
to this nice white man.