- Hey everybody.
Today we're gonna talk about
why it seems to be so much easier
for us to care about other people
rather than caring for ourselves.
I hear it from you all the time.
You can be so kind and compassionate
to your friends and family,
but when it comes to your own issues,
you don't have any patience or care.
And I honestly wondered about this myself.
So I did some research and talk to some of my colleagues
and I came up with five reasons
that we could find it to be easier
to care for others rather than ourselves.
Before we get into it, today's video
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Okay now back into why it's easier to care for others
rather than ourselves.
Number one is people pleasing.
And trust me when I say I totally understand this reason.
As a struggling people pleaser myself,
I know how much we want others to like us
and to make them happy.
We can end up putting their needs before our own.
And right there, I can see how this could lead to us
caring more for them and their well being.
Not to mention that when we're people pleasers,
we can struggle with boundaries.
I mean, think about it.
If we worry a lot about how others are doing,
what they think about us,
that doesn't always leave much room for us and what we need.
In fact, we may not take the time
to check in with ourselves at all,
and completely ignore our own mental health and well being.
Being a people pleaser in many ways,
means that we feel we have control
over how others are doing.
And if we do things just right,
we can make them love us and feel better.
But spoilers, we can't make anyone care about us
or feel better.
They have to choose to do it on their own.
They are in complete control of their responses
and reactions to life, not us.
So we have to pay close attention to how much we care
what others think and how important it is
that everyone likes us.
If we struggle with the urge to people please,
it could be causing us to put their needs first.
The next reason could be us wanting to belong
and be loved so bad
that we put other people before ourselves.
I know this sounds a bit like people pleasing.
But I believe it goes deeper than that.
And also know that I recognize that this urge
is often painted as a completely bad trait.
But I want you to know that we all have this urge
because it's part of the human condition.
What we should focus on is if that urge is greater
than our need to take care of ourselves.
If we want to belong and be loved
more than we want to care for ourselves,
that could be a problem.
I was reading the end of Brené Brown's book,
"Braving The Wilderness".
And she talks about how belonging
is when we can be ourselves and be loved.
Whereas fitting in is when we have to do
what everyone else is doing, or act in a certain way
in order to be part of that group.
If we have to put other people first,
do what everyone else wants and not care for ourselves
in order to belong.
Well, then I would argue
that we don't actually belong there at all.
Instead, we're just fitting in.
And I'm going to be honest that that simple definition
of fitting in versus belonging was mind blowing to me,
and something that I will be thinking of
and applying to my own life a lot.
So notice if you belong in your relationships,
or if you're doing all these things to try and fit in.
The next reason we can prefer to help others
rather than ourselves is our need to distract.
You know, life is hard, working on ourselves as hard.
And we can prefer to focus on someone else's problems
instead of our own.
I totally get it.
We can't just focus on ourselves
and our own problems all the time.
That would be completely exhausting.
And I hope you know that I'm not saying
we should only focus on ourselves,
'cause that's not the answer either.
We need to find a balance between working on ourselves
and being supportive of others.
It can be hard to find that balance.
And while distractions give us some relief from our issues,
so that we can then dive back in later.
We shouldn't be living in distraction land 24/7.
I know it can be easier to focus on someone else's issues
and offer up solutions for them,
but if we don't fill our own cup first,
we won't have anything substantial
or beneficial to share with them.
I saw something on Dr. Caroline Leaf's Instagram
that said something to the effect of
distractions can be useful tools in our life
to help us take a much needed break from the hard work.
But they shouldn't be seen as a solution
to the problems we are facing and frankly,
I couldn't agree more.
Another reason we could fall into this trap
is because we struggle with confidence and self-worth.
If we don't think we're worthy of attention,
support and proper help,
then it's going to be hard for us to wanna
spend any time getting those things for ourselves.
That will definitely make it easier to focus on other people
and offer them understanding and care.
And we're going to have to work in order to fix this,
we're going to have to work on how we talk to ourselves
if we want this to completely go away.
Too often, we're having terribly abusive
and mean conversations with ourselves.
So notice what it is you're saying
and believing about yourself.
And use some, you knew this was coming, bridge statements.
Bring it into a more happy place, right?
We're getting from like negativity island
to positive island, and we're gonna need a bridge
to build to get us there.
And I have an entire video about bridge statements
if you wanna learn more.
So you can just search on YouTube,
Kati Morton bridge statements, and it'll pop right up.
But in short, these statements are not necessarily positive.
But they are bridging that gap
between the negative and the positive thoughts,
living in the maybes and the possibilities.
For example, it's possible
that I'm not as terrible as I think.
That's a great bridge statement that could work here.
Also, once you've recognized
those common negative statements
that you make about yourself and your situation,
I want you to look for evidence
that those statements are not true.
I know this is hard, but that can also help us
get out of this self hating focusing on other people
instead of ourselves issue.
The final reason we could struggle
to show ourselves the same level of care and attention
is if we have trauma or abuse in our past.
Trauma can lead to all of the issues
that we've talked about, make us think
that something is inherently wrong with us,
that we're too broken to be helped and not worth the effort.
These feelings and issues are shame based,
and why we could think that someone else
is more deserving of care than us.
It can cause us to put all of our energy and support
behind them, believing that we aren't worth it.
But I'm here to tell you that everyone is worth it.
I know it can be hard to see sometimes,
but we are all deserving of a happy and full life.
Don't let the assholes who abused
or traumatized you take any more from you.
Take your life back.
Offer yourself some compassion and understanding
because you need it just as much as anyone else
and you deserve it too.
And remember that the real antidote to shame
is vulnerability.
So open up about what happened,
reach out to a therapist
and know that with work and support, it does get better.
I hope this video shed some light
on what could be causing us to focus
on other people's issues while abandoning our own.
Know that we can care for others and ourselves.
We just have to put our stuff first.
That will ensure we have the energy, insight and patience
to balance both.
Thank you so much for watching
and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(pleasant music)