>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. LOUIS KALT CATO.
WELCOME BACK. WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, RUPAUL WILL BE OUT TO SPEND SOME HOLIDAY CHEER BUT
UNTIL THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF
MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS: "THE LATE SHOW" CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL! EVERY YEAR, WE FOLLOW THE
ADVENTURES OF SANTA AS HE TRIES TO BRING PRESENTS TO ALL THE
GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS, AND FIGHTS THE ENEMIES OF JOY.
THIS YEAR, SANTA BROUGHT US A CHRISTMAS PRESENT EARLY:
A CARTOON CALLED "A VERY COLD WAR CHRISTMAS."
ENJOY! >> LOOK ALIVE, ELVES!
T-MINUS TWO HOURS 'TIL TINSEL TIME!
DEPARTMENTS HEADS, STATUS REPORT!
MUFFIN, WHAT'S THE HOT PRESENT THIS YEAR?
>> THANKS TO THE SUPREME COURT, IT'S TICKLE-ME I.U.D.s!
>> LICK THIS, SAM ALITO! >> GUMDROP, DID YOU GET ENOUGH
GAS FOR THE SLEIGH? >> SURE DID, SANTA!
HAD TO SELL ALL MY CLOTHES, BUT SHE'S READY TO GO!
>> WOW, THIS ECONOMY'S ROUGH. BUMBLE LOST EVERYTHING IN
CRYPTO. >> MATT DAMON LIE!
FORTUNE NO FAVOR BUMBLE! >> OH, WELL, LET'S LOAD UP THE
SLEIGH! JINGLE, ANY LAST-MINUTE LETTERS
BEFORE WE TAKE OFF? >> JUST A FEW!
>> "DEAR SANTA, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE
THE ELVES AND REINDEER, TOO." >> AWWW!
>> AWWW! >> AWWW!
>> THIS IS WHAT MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE!
IN THE END, TO LOVE AND BELIEVE IS ALL WE NEED ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
OOH, THAT'S GOOD! PUT THAT ON A MUG, LENNY!
>> RIGHT AWAY, SIR! >> ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE, THEN WE
FLY. (PUTIN)
>> "DEAR BIG FAT COCA-COLA MAN"...
>> WHA-- ? (PUTIN)
>> I WANT UKRAINE FOR CHRISTMAS. THEY WILL NOT GIVE.
YOU WILL GIVE. >> WHAT?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! COOKIE, SEND THIS TO THE HOLLY
JOLLY HAGUE. WHAT A BORSCHT-HOLE.
NXT LETTER! (PUTIN)
>> I HEARD THAT. >> UH-OH.
(PUTIN) >> YOU DID NOT GIVE UKRAINE.
NOW I ANNEX NORTH POLE. >> SANTA, COME QUICK!
WE'RE ALL OVER CNN! >> BREAKING NEWS--
IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CRISIS.
I'M HERE IN RED SQUARE, WHERE VLADIMIR PUTIN IS CALLING FOR
THE DE-NAUGHTY-FICATION OF THE NORTH POLE.
>> COMRADES, JUST LIKE UKRAINE, NORTH POLE HAS ALWAYS BEEN PART
OF RUSSIA. TODAY, WE TAKE IT BACK!
(SILENCE) CHEER!
>> YAY. >> YAY.
MOMENT, PLEASE WELCOME RUSSIA'S HOTTEST BOY BAND:
PILE OF TURNIPS. (BOY BAND MUSIC)
(LIGHT SHOW) I LIKE THE CUTE ONE.
AND NOW, THE MOMENT I'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
LAUNCH SPECIAL CHRIS-MILITARY OPERATION!
>> MORE NEWS BREAKING BY AN OPEN FIRE-- RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE
CROSSED THE DE-MISTLETOE ZONE. SO FAR, SOVIET-ERA WEAPONS
PROVING NO MATCH FOR SANTA'S GINGERBREAD INFANTRY.
>> AH! THE COOKIES ARE TOO STRONG FOR
RUSSIAN TANK! >> BUT, WILL THEY BE ABLE TO
HOLD OUT AGAINST PUTIN'S ARMY OF MERCENARY SNOW BEASTS AND
GUERRILLA GUE-RINCHES? >> DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF
CONGRESS... AND THE OTHER ONES. >> SUCK MY CHESTNUTS, SANTA.
>> CHRISTMAS IS A SEASON OF GIVING.
BUT THIS YEAR, ONE MAN IS HELL-BENT ON TAKING.
AND SO, SANTA MUST ASK YOU FOR A GIFT THIS CHRISTMAS.
THE PRESENT EVERY GOOD LITTLE BOY AND GIRL DREAMS OF:
$17.6 BILLION IN SECURITY ASSISTANCE.
>> THAT WAS SANTA'S PITIFUL ADDRESS TO CONGRESS EARLIER
TODAY. NO SURPRISE, THE MAN WHO BUILT
HIS REPUTATION BREAKING INTO OUR HOMES, NOW ASKING TO BREAK INTO
OUR POCKETBOOKS. HERE TO AGREE WITH ME:
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. >> I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU
MORE, TUCKER! IN FACT, I HEARD ON AN INTERNET
POST THAT I WROTE THAT SANTA IS A NAZI!
>> A NAZI? I'M HALF-JEWISH!
WHY DO YOU THINK I WORK ON CHRISTMAS?
>> SANTA! THEIR FORCES ARE MULTIPLYING!
>> SANTA, ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO SEND HELP?
>> I'M AFRAID THAT MUCH LIKE SAINT KEVIN McALLISTER, WE'RE
HOME ALONE. >> HEY, SANTA!
(TRAIN WHISTLE) CHOO-CHOO, MOTHER-(BLEEP)!
>> HOLY MALARKEY, THE PRESIDENT'S COME WITH AID!
>> YOU BET YOUR GIFT WRAP, JACK, THE CAVALRY'S HERE--
>> GASP! >> I'M OKAY!
I'M OKAY! I HEARD SOMEONE HERE MADE A
CHRISTMAS WISH FOR HELP FIGHTIN' OFF THE SPARTANS.
THE PRUSSIANS? THE RUSSIANS!
>> HOW OLD IS HE? >> HE'S BEEN THIS WAY SINCE WE
WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. >> TO THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS ROOM,
LET'S GO! YOU ADORABLE LITTLE CREATURES
ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MOST ELITE STEALTH FORCE ON EARTH.
YOU CAN HIT EVERY HOUSE IN ONE NIGHT, AND NEVER SHOW UP ON
RADAR. WELL, TODAY, WE'VE GOT A PAYLOAD
TO DELIVER TO THE DEADLIEST CHIMNEY OF ALL:
>> PLUM PUDDING! >> THE KREMLIN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, JACK FROST. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THIS FIGHT
TO VLAD'S BACKYARD. NOW, LET'S GO GET BIN LADEN!
I MEAN, GILGAMESH! I MEAN, PUTIN!
>> ALL RIGHT, ELVES, LET'S FLY! HIT IT, KENNY YULE LOGGINS!
(SANTA CRACKS REINS) (IGNITION SWITCH)
("HIGHWAY TO THE MANGER ZONE") >> SLEIGH SQUADRON, CALL SIGNS!
NICEMAN, STANDING BY. >> RED NOSE, STANDING BY.
>> CHRISTMAS GOOSE, STANDING BY. >> NUTCRACKER, STANDING BY!
>> COLD CRANBERRIES, STANDING BY!
>> LET'S GO DECK SOME SKULLS! >> DANCE, MY TUCK-OOSHKA!
DANCE, MY TUCK-OOSHKA! >> THE LIBERAL MEDIA WOULD HAVE
YOU BELIEVE I'M DANCING FOR VLADIMIR PUTIN, BUT THERE'S
NOTHING FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. >> NOW, FOR BIG FINALE:
GLORIOUS VICTORY OVER SANTA WITH NUCLEAR MISSILE-LIGHTING
CEREMONY! >> WE'VE GOT A CREATURE
STIRRING! TALK TO ME, RUDOLPH!
>> "NOSE SO BRIGHT" ENGAGED. NEED SOME COVER!
>> LET'S BASTE THIS TURKEY! >> GOT HIM!
YOU WANT TO LAUGH AND CALL ME NAMES NOW, ROOSKIE?
EAT A BAG OF (BLEEP)! TAKE IT EASY RED NOSE.
GET ME INTO POSITION.
I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS (BLEEP).
SUCK IT, PUTIN! >> NOW, GET READY TO POUT, GET
READY TO CRY, GET READY TO SHOUT, I'M TELLING YOU WHY:
SANTA CLAUS IS GOING TO DIE. >> NOOO!
>> NOOO! >> NOOO!
>> I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO RESPOND TO YOUR LETTER,
VLADIMIR. IT'S A NO!
NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE UKRAINE FOR CHRISTMAS, AND NO, YOU WON'T BE
TAKING THE NORTH POLE EITHER. >> KRINGLE!
LOOKS LIKE WE FINISH THIS MONO-A-ELF-O.
CHECK THESE OUT: WOP-BOP-A-LOO-BOP,
BA-LOP-BAM-BOO. YOU LIKE THE BOO-BOOS?
>> AHHH! AHHHH!
AHHH! >> COME GET SOME FIGGY PUDDING.
>> DRONE HIM! (EXPLOSION)
>> SANTA! >> AND TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL
OF ME... A GOOD NIGHT!
>> HO... HO...
HO! >> NO... NO!
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE? >> I'M MADE OF CHILDREN'S
DREAMS, BE-YOTCH! (CHEERS)
AND WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN THIS YEAR HAD ONLY ONE DREAM: TO
SURVIVE YOUR SELFISH WAR. >> WE LOVE YOU, SANTA!
>> WE LOVE YOU, SANTA! >> LOVE YOU, TOO, KIDS!
WELL, VLAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE MAKE SOME DREAMS COME TRUE?
YULE TEAM-- DROP THE PAYLOAD. >> HA!
YOUR LITTLE ELF WEAPONS WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!
HA-HA-HA! >> I DON'T NEED WEAPONS TO
DEFEAT YOU. >> READY STRIKE...
>> LET'S GIVE IT TO 'EM!
MY FRIENDS, IN UKRAINE, HERE IN RUSSIA AND ALL AND THE
WORLD, SANTA CLAUS IS STILL COMING TO TOWN!
(CHEERS) AND SO, LET US REMEMBER THE TRUE
MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM JOLLY OLD
ST. NICK: BE KIND!
GIVE! JUST DON'T BE A (BLEEP).
LENNY, PUT THAT ON A MUG AS WELL.
AND SPEAKING OF (BLEEP)-- VLADIMIR, I EVEN GOT A GIFT FOR
EVERYONE TO SHARE WITH YOU. IS POTATO.
LET HIM HAVE IT! >> NOT FAIR!
NOT FAIR! >> NOW, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
LET'S GO DELIVER SOME MORE PRESENTS!
>> BUT, SANTA! WE'LL NEVER MAKE ROUND THE WORLD
IN TIME IN THE SLEIGH! >> WHO NEEDS A SLEIGH?
YEE-HAW! OOPS!
THINK I HIT ANOTHER SQUIRREL. AH, WELL, LET'S GO SAVE
CHRISTMAS! GRAB YOUR SACK AND GET IN, JACK!
>> IT'S KRIS. MERRY CHRISTMASTO ALL, AND TO
ALL, SLAVA UKRAINE! >> AND SUCK IT, SATAN!
I MEAN, SKELETOR. I MEAN, PUTIN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU--
>> Stephen: IF YOU WANT TO HELP FEED THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE,
SCAN THE QR CODE, GO TO THE WEBSITE, AND BUY YOUR OFFICIAL
"LATE SHOW" "IS POTATO" T-SHIRT AND MUG.
ALL "LATE SHOW" PROCEEDS GO TO WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN TO HELP
FEED THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RuPAUL.