- "Why do I keep finding myself in a relationship
with a narcissist," you might ask?
Today, I'm gonna walk you through the five reasons
you might be in that situation.
Whenever I do videos about narcissists,
I get comment after comment after comment
from those of you who have found yourself
in a relationship with a narcissist,
and you're wanting to know how to ensure
you don't find yourself there again.
It always strikes me that so many of us can identify
what narcissists look like and act like
and yet so many of us somehow end up
in relationships with them.
Sometimes we can go from finally getting out
of one narcissistic relationship,
only to find ourselves in yet another.
So let's get started.
Here are the five reasons we might end up
in a relationship with a narcissist.
(smooth music)
Number one: They're charming.
People who are self-obsessed spend a lot of time
managing their first impression
and how they come across to people meeting them.
They don't wear their selfishness
or self-centeredness on their sleeve,
and we can think that they will just
be speaking about themselves constantly.
However, they tend to cultivate attention
and adoration by focusing on you.
They might ask great questions
or flatter or compliment us excessively.
In my recent video on love bombing,
I talk about people who use affection and attention
as a means of getting us to do what they want,
and that is incredibly common with narcissists.
They are great at making us feel wanted
and like the center of attention because,
and here's the key, they know
that this behavior will earn them flattery in return.
A lot of us are drawn to narcissists initially
because they're really good at looking
like the ideal partner in the beginning.
We may even have worked on past relational patterns
where we were attracted to people who aren't interested
and then enter a narcissist,
and we might even pat ourselves on the back
for finding someone who's so genuinely interested in us.
But they're only interested in us
for what we provide for them and how we make them look
or how we serve their goal of being adored.
The second reason we might find ourselves in relationships
with narcissistic partners has to do with us.
When we have a low view of self,
it can set us up to seek out partners
who have narcissistic traits for a couple of reasons.
Number one: Maybe we're drawn to their confidence.
You know, if we're aware of our own insecurities,
it can be attractive to see someone
who can walk into any room
and hold the attention of everyone in there,
and it can feel good to walk into a party
with the most charming partner on our arm.
In a way, their confidence can make up for our lack of it.
And number two: Because they're so great
at the on ramp to a relationship,
we may find ourselves becoming really dependent
on their compliments and attention.
We may use their attention to give us a sense of worth.
You know, "Finally, someone wants me,
and it's someone who is so charming.
Everybody likes them."
And if we don't have a strong sense of worth,
we can't see clearly to assess if a partner is a good fit
or if we want them because we're too busy
trying to affirm our worth and getting them to want us.
And lastly, when a narcissist begins to show
the other side of their personality behind closed doors,
usually with gaslighting or criticism,
if we have low self-esteem,
we may not know what we deserve relationally,
and we may find ourselves more susceptible
to their manipulation.
Like, "Maybe they're right.
Maybe I am a bad partner,
or maybe I am remembering it wrong, ugh."
You know, shame and gaslighting are great tools
for narcissists to use, and it travels hand in hand,
unfortunately, with low self-esteem.
The third reason we may find ourselves
in relationships with narcissists might have to do
with our family dynamics growing up.
Even though it's probably most of our worst nightmares,
we all have a tendency to play out
the relational dynamics that make sense to us.
For example, let's say you had a parent
who was a narcissist.
As much as you hated the dynamic
between the two of you, you might find yourself
constantly in similar dynamics as an adult.
Why on earth would we do this?
Well, there are two reasons.
Number one: Sometimes, we play out past family patterns
because they feel familiar to our brains
and familiar is safe to our brain,
even when it's not technically safe.
And we've talked about this a bit over the years,
especially how it relates to depression or feeling bad.
Feeling good can sometimes be more scary
because we aren't familiar with it
and we don't know what to expect.
The same can go for our relationships
and is why we can find ourselves dating someone
just like our mom or dad, even though they were abusive.
We know and are used to that dynamic,
even though it was hurtful.
And someone being super caring and kind could feel weird
or even unsafe because it's just so foreign.
And I did this when I was dating in my early twenties.
I had this boyfriend in high school
who lied a lot, cheated on me,
and struggled with drug and alcohol addiction,
and I stuck with him for a while, thinking,
"If I did everything just right, you know,
he wouldn't have to do all those things anymore."
And even after our relationship finally ended, thank God,
I still found myself seeking out guys just like him.
Almost like I still wanted to prove
that I could fix him, you know?
It was totally toxic and part of the reason
why my therapist told me the next time I dated someone,
she wanted me to be uncomfortable.
She was pushing me to break this pattern
before it got any worse or more ingrained
and helping me to prove to myself
that someone treating me well,
being honest and reliable was actually a good thing.
And thank God, because that's why I met
and stayed with Sean, so yay.
We can also play out past family patterns
to quote-unquote "cure" ourselves or change the ending.
We can be like a character
caught in a choose-your-own-adventure book
constantly retrying the same story,
thinking if we can just get one good outcome,
it will heal us.
Like, if we could get our narcissistic partner
to tell us we're good enough, it will heal the wound
left by our narcissist parent
who never told us we were good enough.
Number four: We are codependent.
We might end up picking partners
who have narcissistic tendencies
because we struggle with codependency.
I've talked about codependency on my channel before,
and it's a tricky thing.
When we're codependent, we don't feel like we're dependent,
which can make it kinda hard to spot.
But our dependency is actually on people
feeling dependent on us.
Does that make sense?
Because we find our sense of self
on being needed by other people.
Maybe we had a narcissistic parent
or maybe we had a parent who had chronic illness,
and we began to develop a sense of our identity
as the person in the family who cared for everyone
and who held it all together.
This sense of identity can lead
to relationships with people who maybe treat us
in a way that isn't acceptable.
We can find ourselves regulating our emotions
by trying to regulate their emotions.
An example of this would be when we feel anxious
when they're upset with us,
and instead of learning how to manage our anxiety,
we learn to try and manage their feelings,
to do things to make them feel better
so that then we can feel better.
So our emotional state is tied
to their well-being and their emotional state.
Let me tell you who loves to be in a relationship
with someone like this, someone who's codependent.
It's someone who wants you to cater
to their internal experience,
and that could present itself in a lot of different ways,
but one of those is narcissism.
For them, it's a match made in heaven.
You will do whatever it takes to keep them happy
and learn to manage their preferences,
and you will actually pat yourself on the back
for doing so, thinking you're such a healthy, loving person.
Ugh, it can be so toxic.
Number five: We miss red flags when we're in love.
Even if we never think it could happen to us,
even if we don't identify
with anything else that I've listed,
we might find ourselves in a relationship with a narcissist
because we're, you know, just so in our feelings.
And it sounds silly, but we get that feeling of a crush,
and our brain is releasing, you know,
real chemicals and hormones that feel so good,
we become obsessed with doing what it takes
to protect that sensation,
and we can suppress our ability to think critically.
We want more of those good feelings, right?
And noticing red flags is a direct threat
to our lovey-dovey, you know,
that twitterpation that we can feel.
All those butterflies, right?
It's so good, and our brains are essentially
working against us to keep us from facing the truth.
Not to mention that when we are in love,
we can overlook things we would normally have an issue with
because being in love feels so good, or they promised,
you know, that that was just a fluke.
It won't ever happen again.
And it's not like narcissists
show us who they are right away.
They love bomb us first and make us think that they care
and we're the most important person.
So when things start to shift,
we still remember all of the wonderful things that they said
or did when we were in that early love bombing stage.
So what do we do?
There's no surefire way to make sure
you don't end up with a narcissist.
If there was, we would all be doing it.
But there are a few things
we can prioritize in our relationships
that will serve the purpose of, number one,
setting us up for a healthy relationship
regardless of who we're with
and, number two, make us less appealing
as a partner to someone who is a narcissist.
And number one is maintaining
other interests or relationships.
A narcissist wants your world to revolve around them,
and as a result, by the time people discover
they're involved with a narcissist,
they're usually isolated.
Especially in the beginning of a relationship,
we can find ourselves being all in.
But it's important to maintain your friendships,
hobbies, and our own sense of self.
Having things you enjoy that don't revolve around them
will be really unattractive to a narcissist,
and it will be appealing to a healthier partner.
Number two: Regulate our own feelings, not others'.
One of the main things
that a narcissist will look for in a partner
is someone who can cater to their emotional experience.
Do you often find yourself managing other people's emotions,
or actually, it's like we're trying,
'cause, spoilers, we can't manage other people's emotions,
or like you're absorbing how someone else is feeling?
This is something essential to work on,
and it will include things like, you know,
boundaries, clear communication,
and taking stock of what we are truly feeling
instead of trying to read someone else's experience.
Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
When you notice yourself feeling activated
or triggered by someone else's feelings,
just remind yourself it's your job
to regulate your emotions, not theirs.
So practice letting those around you feel their feelings
without attempting to control them.
I know it's hard.
I struggle with this, too.
But we can do it.
Next, work on our sense of self.
Everyone loves a partner who praises them
and compliments them, but we don't want anyone
to be able to control our sense of self-worth.
It's just too much power to give another person.
So if you notice yourself
living for the compliments of others
and/or being crushed by rejection
to a degree that you just cannot cope,
it might be a good time to check in with your therapist
and do some work around developing your sense of self-worth.
We can do things like building mastery,
which really just means getting better
at one thing in our life, you know,
focusing our attention on it and getting good at it.
We can also manage our self-talk and make sure
that it's at least neutral and not as negative.
Overall, know that we can all find ourselves
in unhealthy or toxic relationships,
and that doesn't mean that we have failed
or that we deserve to be treated like that.
It just means that we have things we need to work on,
and we're all works in progress, right?
So be patient and kind with yourself
as you make these changes.
I hope you found this helpful.
If you have other questions or topics
regarding narcissism that you would like me to cover,
please leave it in the comments down below.
Or just someone who is a narcissist.
(laughing) Do you think they'll pick that up?
- [Crew] Yeah. - Okay, I'll do it again.
You're fine. Things happen. (crew speaking indistinctly)
Doo-da-loo. (crew laughing)
I like how you put your phone down
like you're in trouble or something.
It's totally fine.
- [Crew] I know. That's my hands.
(crew speaking indistinctly)