WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE THING WE ALL KNEW WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
CONTINUES TO HAPPEN AT A SLIGHTLY FASTER PACE.
YOU SEE, FOR WEEKS, VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS BEEN AMASSING TROOPS
ON THE UKRAINIAN BORDER, ESPECIALLY NEAR THE BREAKAWAY
UKRAINIAN PROVINCES OF DONETSK AND LUHANSK.
WELL, YESTERDAY, PUTIN UNILATERALLY DECLARED THEM
INDEPENDENT REPUBLICS, AND THEN DIRECTED RUSSIAN DEFENSE
MINISTRY TO DEPLOY TROOPS IN THOSE REGIONS.
SMART.
HE DECLARES THEM INDEPENDENT, AND THEN WHEN HE SENDS TROOPS
CAN IN, HE CAN TECHNICALLY SAY, THAT'S NOT AN INVASION OF
UKRAINE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT UKRAINE ANYMORE."
AT THIS POINT, PUTIN'S MOST IMPORTANT WEAPON IS HIS SHARPIE.
( LAUGHTER )
INTO A PLACE THAT'S NOT HIS COUNTRY?
HE CLAIMS IT'S TO CARRY OUT "PEACEKEEPING FUNCTIONS."
AND IT'S TRUE.
( AS PUTIN )
I KEEP THAT PIECE OF UKRAINE.
I KEEP ALL THE PIECES OF UKRAINE.
I AM PEACEKEEPING."
HE'S HAVING, HE'S GRABBING.
AND THESE TWO REGIONS COULD BE JUST THE BEGINNING, BECAUSE HE
GAVE EVERY INDICATION THAT HE WANTS THE WHOLE PIEROGI:
>> I WOULD LIKE TO REITERATE THAT UKRAINE IS JUST NOT OUR
NEIGHBORING COUNTRY.
IT'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR OWN HISTORY, CULTURE, AND SPIRITUAL
SPACE.
HISTORICALLY, PEOPLE FROM THIS TERRITORY WERE CALLED RUSSIANS.
>> Stephen: NOW, UKRAINIAN EXPERTS HAVE POINTED OUT THAT
NOTHING PUTIN JUST SAID IS TRUE.
AND I CAN VERIFY THAT, BECAUSE I USED TO LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CHICAGO, CALLED "THE UKRAINIAN VILLAGE," NOT "THE
RUSSIAN VILLAGE."
( LAUGHTER )
CHURCH, A UKRAINIAN ORTHODOX CHURCH, UKRAINIAN DELIS,
UKRAINIAN BARBERS.
WHEN I LIVED THERE, BACK IN DECEMBER OF 1991, THE UKRAINIANS
WERE HOLDING AN INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM, AND I WENT INTO THIS
BARBER SHOP, AND I SAID, "YOU'RE UKRAINIAN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE VOTE TOMORROW?"
HE WAS SO HAPPY THAT AN AMERICAN KID TOOK AN INTEREST IN THE
INDEPENDENCE OF UKRAINE THAT HE TURNED ME AWAY FROM THE MIRROR
AND WALKED AROUND ME FOR TWO HOURS CUTTING MY HAIR, SO HE HAD
SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
UNTIL ALL I HAD LEFT WERE WHITE WALLS AND A LITTLE TUFT ON TOP
LIKE A KATZENJAMMER KID.
HE DID TO MY HEAD WHAT RUSSIA WANTS TO DO TO UKRAINE.
AND IF I HAD CALLED HIM A RUSSIAN?
HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE "SWEENEY TODD."
( LAUGHTER )
THEY HELD THAT REF COUPLE DUMB IN UKRAINE, AND 92% OF THE
UKRAINIAN POPULATION VOTED FOR INDEPENDENCE FROM THE SOVIET
UNION.
NO ONE CAN DISPUTE THAT KIND OF MARGIN, NOT EVEN RUSSIA'S
BIGGEST CABLE NEWS CELEBRITY, THE "MY TURNIP GUY."
IN HIS SPEECH, JUST LAST NIGHT, PUTIN LIED SOME MORE.
>> MODERN UKRAINE FROM THE BEGINNING, AND IT'S TOTALITY HAS
BEEN CREATED BY RUSSIA."
>> Stephen: TO PROVE PUTIN WRONG, AFTER HE MADE THAT CLAIM,
THE UNITED STATES EMBASSY IN KYIV TWEETED OUT THESE FOUR
CHURCHES IN KYIV DATING ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE 10th CENTURY,
NEXT TO THE EMPTY FOREST THAT MOSCOW WAS IN THE SAME PERIOD.
OH, SNAP!
YOU JUST GOT ST. PETERS-BURNED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT TO BE OUT-MEMED, PUTIN THEN TWEETED, "I CAN HAZ UCRAIN?"
( LAUGHTER )
OLDY BUT A GOODIE.
FOLLOWING ALL THIS, THE WHITE HOUSE INITIALLY AVOIDED CALLING
PUTIN'S TROOP MOVEMENTS AN INVASION AND IMPOSED LIGHT
SANCTIONS BARRING NEW INVESTMENT, TRADE, AND FINANCING
BY U.S. PERSONS TO, FROM, OR IN THE SO-CALLED DONETSK PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC AND THE LUHANSK PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
WELL, THAT'S A DISASTER FOR ANYONE INVESTED IN THE UKRAINIAN
COFFEE CHAIN: DUNKIN' DONETSK.
( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
BUT TODAY, BUT TODAY--
BUT TODAY, THAT ALL CHANGED, BECAUSE JOE BIDEN SPOKE TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AND LAID OUT SOME TOUGH PENALTIES:
>> WE'RE IMPLEMENTING FULL BLOCKING SANCTIONS ON TWO LARGE
RUSSIAN FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS, V.E.B. AND THEIR MILITARY BANK.
WE'RE IMPLEMENTING COMPREHENSIVE SANCTIONS ON RUSSIAN'S SOVEREIGN
DEBT.
THAT MEANS WE'VE CUT OFF RUSSIA'S GOVERNMENT FROM WESTERN
FINANCING.
IT CAN NO LONGER RAISE MONEY FROM THE WEST AND CANNOT TRADE
IN ITS NEW DEBT ON OUR MARKETS OR EUROPEAN MARKETS, EITHER.
>> Stephen: SO, THAT MEANS NO RUSSIAN MONEY IN THE U.S.--
THERE GOES TUCKER CARLSON'S SPONSORS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ THE ADMINISTRATION, ALONG WITH
ALLIES FROM ASIA, ARE ALSO CONSIDERING EVEN HARSHER
SANCTIONS THAT WOULD CUT OFF RUSSIA FROM THE HIGH TECH THAT
HELPS WARPLANES AND PASSENGER JETS FLY AND MAKES SMARTPHONES
SMART.
WHEN THESE SANCTIONS TAKE EFFECT, YOUR iPHONE IN RUSSIA'S
GONNA SOUND LIKE: >> "HEY, SIRI, GIVE ME
DIRECTIONS TO ST. PETERSBURG."
>> "DAAAARRRRR.
I DUNNO."
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.
THE SENATE IS PREPARING ITS OWN LIST OF SANCTIONS AND,
REPORTEDLY, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS ARE ITCHING TO SANCTION PUTIN'S
ROMANTIC PARTNER.
PUTIN'S ROMANTIC PARTNER?
SO, THE HORSE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOA WHOA!
WHOA!
OUR ALLIES ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE SANCTION GAME.
SPECIFICALLY, GERMAN CHANCELLOR AND HERR MAGOO, OLAF SCHOLZ.
THIS MORNING, DESPITE HIS NATION'S RELIANCE ON RUSSIAN
ENERGY, SCHOLZ ANNOUNCED THAT THE GERMANS WOULD SUSPEND ITS
CERTIFICATION OF THE RUSSIA-TO-GERMANY NORD STREAM 2
NATURAL GAS PIPELINE.
WHICH MEANS GERMANY'S GOING TO HAVE TO RELY ON THEIR OWN SOURCE
OF NATURAL GAS: EATING SAUERKRAUT.
( LAUGHTER )
PATRIOTIC CAMPAIGN: "BEAT PUTIN!
GET TOOTIN'."
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE THAT EFFECTIVE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE--
WHAT?
THAT'S NOT DIGNIFIED ENOUGH FOR YOU?
GROW UP!
GERMANY SHUTTING DOWN THE PIPELINE LED FORMER RUSSIAN
PRIME MINISTER DMITRY MEDVEDEV TO TWEET ABOUT THE
HIGH-PRICED NATURAL GAS THEY'LL NOW FACE: "WELCOME TO THE NEW
WORLD WHERE EUROPEANS WOULD SOON HAVE TO PAY 2,000 EUROS PER
1,000 CUBIC METERS!" WHOA, THAT IS A LOT!
OR A LITTLE.
( LAUGHTER )
TO ME.
( LAUGHTER )
TEMPERATURE?
I DON'T-- IT'S A LITTLE NUMBER?
I DON'T... THAT BAD?
OF COURSE, THE COUNTRY MOST AFFECTED BY THE INVASION OF
UKRAINE MIGHT JUST BE UKRAINE, WHICH, CONTRARY TO WHAT PUTIN
THINKS, IS A COUNTRY, LED BY GROWN-UP EDDIE MUNSTER,
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY.
IN LIGHT OF PUTIN'S AGGRESSION, ZELENSKY NOW SAYS HE IS
CONSIDERING A REQUEST FROM UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTRY TO
SEVER DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS BETWEEN UKRAINE AND THE RUSSIAN
FEDERATION.
THAT'S RIGHT, HES "CONSIDERING."
IT'S LIKE JULIUS CAESAR FAMOUSLY SAID AS HE WAS BEING STABBED
TO DEATH: "ET TU, BRUTE?
I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ASKING YOU TO RETURN YOUR
FRIENDSHIP BRACELET."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST CONSIDERING IT, JON.
>> Jon: CONSIDERING IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL.
>> Jon: THE BRACELET >> Stephen: SO ALL THIS MAKES
FOR A VERY STRESSFUL AND UNCERTAIN TIME ON THE GROUND IN
UKRAINE.
BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE:
MULTI-LINGUAL A.P. REPORTER PHILIP CROWTHER, WHO POSTED THIS
VIDEO:
>> THERE'S BEEN A WAR WITH RUSSIAN-BACKED FORCES.
( IN LUXEMBOURGISH ) ( IN SPANISH )
( IN PORTUGUESE ) ( IN FRENCH )
( IN GERMAN )
THAT'S...
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT LOOKS IMPRESSIVE, BUT IF YOU TRANSLATE
IT, HE'S JUST REPEATING THE PHRASE, "WHERE IS THE LIBARY?
I MUST USE THE BATHROOM URGENTLY."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR YEARS, THE U.S. WOMEN'S SOCCER PLAYERS HAVE BEEN
FIGHTING FOR EQUAL PAY, AND THIS MORNING, THE U.S. SOCCER
FEDERATION AND WOMEN'S PLAYERS AGREED TO SETTLE THEIR LAWSUIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY DID IT!
HELL, YEAH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE-- IT'S A GREAT THING.
IT'S A WONDERFUL OUTCOME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK SO LONG TO REACH THIS GOOOAAAL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIGHT OVER EQUAL PAY.
SIX YEARS!
SO, HALF A SOCCER GAME?
I DON'T... IT'S IN METRIC, SO I DON'T-- I DON'T REALLY
UNDERSTAND.
THE NEW AGREEMENT INCLUDES A PLEDGE FROM THE FEDERATION TO
EQUALIZE PAY FOR THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S NATIONAL TEAMS.
AND THE ATHLETES INVOLVED IN THE LAWSUIT WILL RECEIVE $24
MILLION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Jon: THAT'S NICE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, THEY'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO SPEND IT WITH THEIR
FEET.
THAT 24 MIL DIDN'T COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
THE BULK OF THE FIGURE IS BACK PAY, A TACIT ADMISSION THAT
COMPENSATION FOR THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S TEAMS HAS BEEN UNEQUAL
FOR YEARS.
THEY'RE ADMITTING IT.
MEN AND WOMEN'S SOCCER PAY HAS BEEN UNEQUAL FOR YEARS.
KIND OF LIKE THEIR WORLD CUP VICTORIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN TURTURRO AND CNN'S JOHN AVLON.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."