Now that I'm back, I was thinking about it today,
I feel like I never left.
I really think I know this city like the back of my hand.
I really do.
Yeah, but are you really sure about that?
I mean, you haven't lived here in a while.
Andy, I don't think that matters.
I think, I think nobody knows more about
New York City than I do.
I think I really do.
I think the city's in my blood.
Nobody!
There's not a single person in the world who could
know more about New York City than I do!
Really?
Yes!
Really!
Well, Conan, then you should have no trouble passing
the just invented New York City Citizenship Test
administered by New York's own, the one,
the only, Mr. Jon Stewart.
(audience cheering)
Lovely to see you.
Thank you so much.
Wow.
How are things going in that 1940s gas station
you're working in?
I'll tell ya, it was going great,
but there's been a terrible traffic jam
with this giant ginger-haired rat in
(laughing drowns out speech)
and it has caused a huge back up.
I don't know, it's this town, man.
Oh, New York City, what can you do?
It's this town.
New York City is this town.
By the way, you don't lose your citizenship of New York
when you leave it.
You are always, and will always be a citizen of New York.
That being said, you don't know shit about this place.
And you never did.
Never did?
And I've got a quiz that I think can prove--
You know what?
Jon, your quiz does not frighten me.
Perhaps it's because you wrote it.
So, let's...
Let's get to--
I might have something to do with it.
And co-wrote it, yeah.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
Same way how I did the SATs.
Let's get back into the premise, here we go.
Conan, I've got a question for you,
let's start simple.
Okay.
Conan--
Why do yo look at me when you say simple?
That was very insulting what you did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's start simple meaning just love between two people.
Okay.
Conan O'Brien, how many boroughs are there
in New York City?
Easy, five.
(dinging)
I'm gonna do this like there's only one
question on each card.
Yeah.
Even though that's not the truth.
Yeah, that's okay.
Conan, what's the population of Manhattan?
Easy, 1.6 million.
(dinging)
I just wanna make it very clear,
no one has any (bleeping) idea how many people
are in Manhattan.
They don't have any idea, it's a completely made up thing.
Alright, what New York City institution
holds representatives of more than 193 nations?
The F train.
(dinging)
You do know the city.
Now here's one, this is a bit of arcane trivia.
He's done very well up to now.
Why is the mayor's residence called Gracie Mansion?
Because the house was originally the home
of early American businessman Archibald Mansion.
(dinging)
We can edit that one.
Alright.
I can't imagine what you'll say to this.
Where in New York City is the ball dropped every year?
City Field.
(dinging)
Isn't it interesting how quickly
a good audience can turn into
a meth fueled zombie apocalypse.
Complete this New York City proverb,
if a crowded subway has one seat free...
There you'll find a homeless man's pee.
Yes.
(dinging)
You're getting these all right.
Every single one.
Name the very famous New York resident,
you do this one.
Name the very famous New York resident
who won the 2016 New York election.
Hillary Clinton.
(dinging)
Right.
They turned on you and now they're back.
They would've ripped you limb from limb.
Honestly, one more New York Mets reference
they would've ripped you limb from limb
they would've ripped you.
They would've and--
And lipped me, yeah.
And lipped you.
Cut out your brains and eaten it.
Which I prefer.
But now they're back.
You knew you were back in New York, Conan O'Brien, when?
When I saw Pizza Rat get into an Uber Black.
(dinging)
Here's a series of questions that I think
you'll find very amusing.
Okay.
Give the appropriate New York response to the following
situations, you're almost hit by a cab.
I'm walkin' here!
(dinging)
You're Christoper Walkin.
I'm walkin' here!
(dinging)
You're a plumber applying waterproof sealant
to a bathtub?
I'm caulkin' here!
(dinging)
By the way I...
Applauding your ability to rhyme.
What is the best way to get
a child into a Manhattan pre-school?
Has the child been born?
Yes, he has.
It's already too late.
(dinging)
Now, this one is a little more difficult.
Okay.
This one is something that is gonna have to be
written in red if you're gonna be able to read it.
I'm gonna give you a hypothetical news story
and I want you to tell me what the New York Post
headline would be.
Okay, I can do this.
Really fake concentrate.
Yeah.
Trump fires special council Robert Mueller.
Bye-bye Bobby.
(dinging)
Mayer de Blasio mired in a corruption scandal.
Mayor McSleaze.
(dinging)
Thomas Keller's new Vietnamese restaurant opens
to poor reviews.
Vietnam nom-noms by Tom bomb.
(dinging)
That was an amazing one.
Come on.
This is a man who earns millions of dollars.
Hundreds of thousands.
What is the name of the pastry that combines
a croissant with a donut?
A cronut.
(dinging)
What is a croissant combined with a muffin?
A cruffin.
(dinging)
What is an avocado and a waffle?
An awful.
(dinging)
What...
Banana bread, a fritter, and a danish?
A Fran Drescher.
(dinging)
We'll take care of that.
You won't be seeing that around.
Going into the archives.
Yeah.
By the way that bar no longer exists.
This bit's been going on so long
I've seen Jon's beard grow while he's here.
I'm a Jew, literally I'll have this down to the feet soon.
So much faster in rehearsal.
Alright, here we go.
That's why I should've went to it.
Give the definition of these common Yiddish words.
Putz.
Putz, a jerk or a fool, also a penis.
(dinging)
Schmuck.
A jerk or a fool, also a penis.
(dinging)
Schlep.
To carry or travel with difficulty
as in that schmuck schlepped his putz
all the way through Prospect Park, also a penis.
(dinging)
And what, my friend, is the easiest way
to kiss up to a crowd?
Bring out a legendary comedian,
have him ask softball questions about their city.
(dinging)
That is the way to do it.
And with that in mind, with that in mind,
Yes.
The final question is this,
New York City has?
The greatest audiences in the world.
(dinging)