Sometimes you just lose it and you're frustrated with that, aren't you? Are you
wondering how to manage your anger with your child? There are 2 thinking errors
that will clear this up. I am so glad that you're here and that you're part of
this positive parenting community here at Live On Purpose TV. A lot of you have
expressed that this is an issue. That you lose your cool. That as parents, sometimes
we're so frustrated with our kids that we get so angry and then we feel bad
about it later on. This is something that Vicki and I have addressed at length in
the Parenting Power-Up. One of the things that I've shared in that course is that
there are 2 thinking errors that cause the anger to happen. And the thinking
errors belong to us not our kids. One of my colleagues recently said, "Every
problem that we have is a problem with thinking." I think he's probably right. And
as we look at our own thinking, let's start with toddlers. Little kids who are
still in their early stages of development and they're going around and
doing what? All the kinds of things that toddlers do. They make messes, they
disobey, they say no a lot. It's not your kid, it's kids.
It's how they operate. Welcome to earth. What's the thinking problem? Because your
kid is probably doing what most kids that age would do. Now, I know there's
some exceptions but you can't really shock me or surprise me after a couple
of decades of clinical experience with kids and working with families. I don't
think what's going on in your home is any different from what's been going on
in other homes. Probably for generations of time with a few minor variations. Kids
are doing exactly what kids are expected to do. Now, I know that it's not always
what you want them to do. We'll get to that in just a minute. But this
illuminates the first thinking error. Things are not the way they should be. No,
that's a thought and it's a thinking error. To say that things are not the way
they should be means that you have some expectation in your mind or in your
imagination about how things should be and this doesn't match, therefore this is
wrong. That's the error. What you're observing is typically exactly what
should be happening by law. Now,, when I say by law,
that sounds really strong, doesn't it? I mean natural laws. I mean principles. I
mean the way that things are in the way the world is. That's all I mean by law.
Because we're thinking that things should be different than they are, we
have a violation of our expectations and that triggers anger. Anger, frustration,
resentment. Those types of feelings are typical for times when our expectations
are violated. What would happen if you were to adjust your expectations? "Wait,
Dr. Paul can I do that?" Yes, you can. You can change your own expectation and how
would it feel. If you completely 100% expected your child to do that thing
that you've been getting angry about. This changes you. Not your child.
So, we're going to practice this a little bit. And before we go there, I want you to
know that you're changing your mind. You're changing of expectations has the
best and highest likelihood of influencing your child to change his or
her behavior. But that's not why we're doing it. We're simply putting ourselves
in a position where we don't have to experience the anger and the rage and
the frustration and the upset that we get when our expectations are violated.
So, practice it this way and just try this. Humor me, okay?
Try saying "Things are exactly as they should be." In
fact, say it right now. Things are exactly as they should be. Now, how did that feel?
Besides goofy. I mean, it feels kind of good, doesn't it? I mean, if you were to
really believe that, how would you feel? Practice it and see what happens? Here's
another one. "I could have expected that. Now, what can I learn from this?" Try that
one. Practice that a little bit. Oh, here's another one.
"What is there to love about this?" Now, you're used to getting upset, right?
And angry and tipped over. You're practicing a whole new direction. "What is
there to love about this?" My daughter-in-law is really good at this.
She sends us videos and pictures all the time of our little grandkids doing what
kids do that might sometimes upset a parent. But instead she finds in that
mess something to love and to cherish and to share. Which we really appreciate
as the grandparents. Now, I told you that there were 2 thinking errors that
cause us to be angry with our kids. The first one is the violation of
expectations that this is not the way that it should be. The second thinking
error is an incorrect conclusion or a negative conclusion based on the
behavior. It usually looks something like this: "What kind of parent lets their
child..." You see the conclusion? What kind of parent am I because my kid is doing
this thing? What does it mean about me as a parent and then we draw a conclusion
that somehow we're a bad mom, we're a bad dad. What if that's not the only thing
that we could conclude from this? This question has the potential to save
relationships. Try it on. What else might this mean? Now,
that stops your thinking long enough that you can take a look at, "Hold on, what
am i concluding from this?" And it's either I'm a bad parent or I have a bad
kid. Either one of those are negative and unhelpful. So, instead of concluding that,
we're just going to just scoot that off to the side for a minute and ask the
question, "What else might this mean?" And nothing let your brain work on it a
little bit. Oh, it might mean that my kids being a typical kid. You think? Yeah.
Good likelihood of that. It might mean that we get to keep working on some
things as a family. Yeah. And when is that gonna stop being true? But it takes those
negative connotations out of that and it probably doesn't mean what you think it
means when your kid is misbehaving. So, ask the question, "What else might this
mean?" Sometimes the best parenting skills really have to do with what's going on
inside of us as parents. Vicki and I have teamed up. We've got your back. We've
created the Parenting Power-Up. come join us. If you want to feel more confident as
a parent and have the tools that you need to keep a cool head no matter what
your kids are doing, that's what we're all about. ParentingPowerup.com. If you
haven't connected to that yet, please click on the link right over there or
down in the description below. Parentingpowerup.com. Come join us.
If you want to feel more confident as a parent and have the tools that you need
to keep a cool head no matter what your kids are doing, that's what we're all
about. Parentingpowerup.com