>> DONALD, DONALD, COME TO BED. >> MELANIA --
[ APPLAUSE ] MELANIA, I'M HAVING TROUBLE
SLEEPING. I KEEP HAVING THIS NIGHTMARE
WHERE I'M WALKING IN A FOREST OF BLOOD.
>> NO, NO, THAT WAS JUST MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DONALD, DO YOU NOT LIKE ARGENTINA?
>> NO, I LOVE ARGENTINA. THERE ARE A BUNCH OF OLD GERMAN
GUYS WHO ARE REALLY INTO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HERE.
>> THE MEETING WITH THE CHINESE PRESIDENT WENT WELL.
>> I KNOW, IT WAS HILARIOUS. EVERY TIME HE SAID SOMETHING, I
SAID IN BED. >> YES.
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. SO WHAT'S WRONG?
>> I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS MUELLER
INVESTIGATION. SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE
THEY'RE COMING AFTER ME. >> OH, CHEER UP, DONALD!
YOU KNOW WORST CASE SCENARIO, YOU GO TO PRISON AND YOU HAVE TO
TRANSFER YOUR MONEY TO ME FOR SAFE KEEPING AND I HAVE HIRE A
GIANT MAN TO PROTECT ME. I MEAN THAT WORSE CASE.
IN FACT, I'M GOING TO GO THINK ABOUT THAT WORSE CASE WHILE I
SOAK IN THE BATHTUB. >> ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE IN SOON, HONEY. OH, DONNIE, YOU'VE REALLY DONE
IT THIS TIME. YOU HAVE TO FACE ALL OF THOSE
EUROPEAN LEADERS AGAIN. THEY JUST HATE ME BECAUSE I'M A
NATIONALIST. WHAT DID NATIONALISM EVER DO TO
EUROPE. >> HI, HI.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> RUDY, WHERE DID YOU COME
FROM? >> OH, I WAS HANGING UPSIDE DOWN
UNDER THE BALCONY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT'S THE LATEST ON THE MOTHER PROBE?
>> WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS IT'S ALMOST OVER.
>> AND THE BAD NEWS? >> IT'S ALMOST OVER.
>> HOW IS MY LEGAL DEFENSE COMING?
>> WELL, I'M INVOLVED, SO IT'S NOT GREAT.
THIS MIGHT BE THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE'S LAWYER PLEADS
INSANITY. >> GOD, I WANT TO FIRE YOU,
RUDY, BUT I CAN'T. YOU KNOW ALL OF MY SECRETS.
>> YEP, AND I KEEP THOSE SECRETS WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND THEM, ON
NATIONALLY TELEVISED INTERVIEWS. OKAY.
I NEED TO RUN SOME ERRANDS BEFORE THE SUNRISES.
GOOD NIGHT, DONALD. >> GOOD-BYE, RUDY.
ALL ALONE AGAIN. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.
WHO CAN I CALL? SOMEONE WHO I KNOW WILL ALWAYS
ANSWER. [ PHONE RINGING ]
>> YES, HELLO? MICHAEL COHEN SPEAKING.
I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. >> MICHAEL, MICHAEL, IT'S
DONALD. >> MR. TRUMP, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING TO YOU. >> COME ON, MICHAEL.
>> I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE. >> BUT MIKEY, MIKEY COCO, I NEED
A BOWL OF MY MIKEY COCO PUFFS. >> OKAY, FINE, I CAN'T SAY NO TO
MY DONALD TRUMP-LUPUS. >> THERE WE GO.
WHERE CAN I PUT MY SON ERIC IN SOME OLD AGE FAT SUIT AND SAY
IT'S ME? >> I'M NOT SURE IT WILL WORK,
SIR. >> TRUST ME, ERIC WILL NEVER
CATCH ON. >> SORRY, MR. TRUMP, IT'S OVER.
>> WELL, MICHAEL, AT LEAST THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY CAN NEVER
TAKE AWAY FROM US. OUR LATE-NIGHT TALKS --
>> THEY GOT THEM ON TAPE. >> OUR VACATIONS TO MOSCOW.
>> THEY SEIZED THE RECORDS. >> WHAT ABOUT OUR HAIRSTYLIST,
THE BLIND MAN WITH THE SHAKY HANDS?
>> HE DIED MONTHS AGO. >> I'M SAD YOU'RE GOING TO
PRISON, MICHAEL. YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME.
>> THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO SO MANY ILLEGAL STUFF?
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME.
GOOD-BYE, MICHAEL. GOD, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSET
SINCE I FLIPPED OUT OVER THAT PARKING SPACE.
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW CAN ANYONE THINK I COLLUDED
WITH RUSSIA? >> DONNIE, WHY ARE YOU STILL UP?
[ LAUGHTER ] COME BACK TO BED, BABE
>> GOD IERJS, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AND THE CROWD PRINCE OF
SAUDI ARABIA HAD THAT WHOLE HANDSHAKE YESTERDAY.
>> WHAT THAT? THAT MEANT NOTHING TO ME.
IT WAS JUST A TOTALLY IMPROVISED HANDSHAKE.
I'M NOT BRIEK BROS WITH HIM OR ANYTHING.
>> HEY, VLADI DODDY! >> HEY, MY NUMBER ONE!
>> I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR NUMBER ONE.
>> OH, TOTALLY. YOU'RE NOT MY SIDE PIECE.
YOU'RE LIKE MY MAIN GIRLFRIEND AND THIS GUY IS LIKE A RANDOM
HOOKER. >> REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL RACE
DUNE BUGGIES LAST WEEK? >> YEAH.
>> AND I WAS LIKE DID YOU REALLY KILL THAT JOURNALIST?
>> I WAS LIKE OF COURSE I DIDN'T, ON OPPOSITE DAY!
>> WELL, VLAD, I'M SORRY I HAD TO CANCEL OUR MEETING.
>> OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. HEY, WHEN AM I MOVING INTO TRUMP
TOWER, PENTHOUSE IN MOSCOW? NO, I'M KIDDING.
I WOULD NEVER SET FOOT IN SUCH A DUMP LIKE THAT.
>> YOU'RE SO FUNNY VLAD. >> BROKE US UP.
VLADDY, CHECK IT. WHEN I KILLED THAT GUY THE OTHER
DAY, TRUMPY WAS LIKE, OH, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
I WAS LIKE, BITCH, YOU WANT YOUR OIL OR NOT?
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ANYWAY, YOU WON'T SEE ME FOR
A WHILE, DONNIE. I PREFER PRESIDENTS WHO DON'T
GET INDICTED. >> COME ON, I'LL BUY YOU A LLAMA
AND WE'LL GET IT DRUNK. >> OH, YOU'RE SO ACTUALLY RICH,
I LOVE YOU. PEACE OUT.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> WOW, WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW
WILL BRING? FOR NOW, I GUESS, ALL I CAN
SAY -- ♪ DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
THE TRUTH I'M VERY GUILTY SOME LITTLE NO-NOS AND MAYBE
TREASON BUT I KEPT MY PROMISE
OOPS, NO, I DIDN'T ♪ ♪ DON'T CRY FOR US ARGENTINA
THE TRUTH IS I BARELY KNOW HIM ALL THROUGH OUR WILD DAYS ♪
♪ MY MAD EXISTENCE ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST A WITCH-HUNT ♪
AND WE'RE ALL WITCHES ♪♪♪ >> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!