As a professional psychologist and relationship expert. I'm here today to
help you figure out how to rebuild a relationship after a separation. So, why
are we even having this conversation? Because it's challenging, it's difficult.
If you're in a relationship with someone and then a separation occurs, usually
that separation is a result of a number of different factors. And you know what
they are, right? Why are you separating anyway? Oftentimes, it's because there
were some difficulties, there were some challenges. Some things came up that,
"We've got to get some space or some distance here." So, the nature of a
separation itself is problematic because it starts out with usually a problem or
a concern. What if this is someone that you want to still have a relationship
with? Work with a lot of couples for example where they have children
together. And they run into some marital problems and so they separate to try to
work on these problems. But they have a reason to get back together because they
share these kids. Even if they're not going to get back together when parents
separate, they still share their kids. And so there's a lot of reasons to rebuild
the relationship after a separation. I'm a big believer that principles determine
all of life's outcomes. I know that's a bold statement. I think it's true. There
are principles behind everything. Sometimes we don't understand the
principles or we're not very good at applying them. And that's why our
outcomes aren't what we're hoping for. To get a different outcome, we have to
return to principle. Now, think about a relationship. Relationships are built on
principle. Principles like positivity for example. Having
shared values having humility and the willingness to change. The principle of
forgiveness, respect, love, compassion. Do you see how these principles support a
healthy relationship? When a separation occurs and especially if it's at the
level of divorce, what happens during this separation is that people often
turn away from the principles that I was just talking about. And instead, they go
to blame, anger, bitterness, vitriolic contempt for each other. This is usually
because they were hurt. Remember the problems that caused the separation in
the first place? Well that usually hurts people in a way that they get their
defenses up and they start to go into patterns that are not helpful in a
relationship. I know I'm illuminating the obvious here. That's fine. That's my job.
I just want you to see it that this separation pulls us into dynamics that
are not healthy for a relationship. How is bitterness and blame and anger
going to assist you in your relationship? It's not. It's going to make it worse. I
guarantee it. But that's where people tend to go when they separate. I did
child custody evaluations for the court for about 13 years in my career. And I
saw this time after time. People get sucked into that nasty, bitter, angry
dynamic that happens. And they have a terrible relationship as a result. You
know what? I know couples who have a better relationship after they separate,
after they divorced than they ever had while they were together. How did they do
it? Let's get into those principles. I
already gave you a heads up to what those principles are. And there's other
videos here in the positive relationships resources playlist
including this one that I did with Brett Williams. Check in with that video after
this one finishes. And I think you're going to get some other ideas. There are
9 principles that I love to focus on regardless of whether a couple is
staying together or doing this on the separate path. These are the 9
principles that allow you to have a successful relationship. So, they're the
ones we're going to employ now that we're rebuilding a relationship after a
separation. I already mentioned positivity. That mindset is where
everything else starts. And it includes things like gratitude and positive
assumptions about what other people are doing and what their intentions are. I
know this isn't always easy especially in a separation where there's been hurt
and problems in some reason for that separation in the first place. It's still
just as important. P:robably even more important in this context. Values. Meaning
your own personal core values. Do not allow the difficulties of the problems
that caused the separation to pull you out of integrity. You have values that
are important to you the way that you live because of who you are. Get back to
those. Humility, meaning the willingness to change. Because guess what?
Relationships are a 2-way thing. It always takes at least 2 people to be
in a relationship. And you're half of those. So, accept that there are things
about you that need to change in order for this relationship to be better.
That's actually in a very empowering thing because this can be better if you
decide that it can. How about forgiveness? The willingness to let someone else
change. Sometimes when we get hurt, it's easy to look at someone and assume that
they are just a big liar, for example. Okay, are they? In fact, just a big liar.
Listen to your words. That's not even possible.
Did they lie to you? Maybe. But that doesn't mean they're just a big liar. Delete the
word "Just". Focus it down to behavior rather than character. It allows you to
be more forgiving and allow someone else to change. Very important when you're
rebuilding a relationship after separation. Respect. Why? Because you're a
respectful person. It has nothing to do with the other person deserving it. Remember
we want to preserve your integrity. Do not abandon your values. Have the
integrity to be a respectful person regardless of what somebody else is
doing. Love, which in my mind is a choice. You get to choose love or hate. If it's
between those 2, which one do you want to be known for? And it's either a little
or a lot. But it's going to fall on one side or the other. Choose love. Next up is
compassion. Which has to do with kindness and gentleness and sensitivity. It's
going to work well in a separation just like it would in a marriage. The next
principle is work. Don't be surprised when it's hard. You got to put in some
work if you want to improve something. And then finally, wholesome recreational
activities. And I love this one because sometimes, we get into situations in life
that just feel like a burden. I think we got to be having fun. And while you're
doing all of the work and the other principles that we talked about here,
make sure you're taking time for recreation to have some fun. Recreation,
it literally means to recreate something. What are you recreating inside of your
own life? Wholesome recreational activities. Those
9 principles are guaranteed... Which is a bold statement. I'm going to stand behind
that. If you'll apply those, you can create and rebuild a healthy
relationship even after a separation. You're not alone in this process. There's
so much help available. If you want more help from me and my team, your first step,
get a hold of my book. I'm doing a promotion. Where I'm buying the book,
you're paying the shipping. That means the book is free to you. Go right now to
drPauljenkins.com. Spelled with a D-R. There's a link in the description. When
you get there, you'll see a big orange button, you're going to click on that and
I'll send you a free copy of this book. You pick up the shipping, I pay for the
book. Sound like a fair deal? And then you're in the loop. We can work out other
ways that I might be able to support you as you move forward.