-Hi, everyone. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm Jimmy Fallon.
As of this morning, we planned to do a show
with a full audience, but as the day progressed
and the more we thought about it,
we and NBC decided it be smarter to not have an audience
in order to do our part
to help decrease the spread of the coronavirus.
So the show's gonna be a little different than it normally is.
Like you, I'm watching the news,
and I'm just as confused and freaked out as you are.
I know that speech last night didn't help.
But what I do know is, when we're there for each other,
we're at our best.
And I am here for you. We are here for you.
I want to thank our staff and crew,
many of whom worked from home...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...to put on this show tonight.
I really appreciate you guys.
We're gonna try to entertain you.
We're gonna have Dr. Oz out here in a little bit
to walk us through what's going on and what we can do.
So if you want, maybe just put your phones down
and enjoy an hour of mindless entertainment.
It's gonna be a fun show. The Roots are here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Higgins is here.
Now let's start the monologue. Here we go.
[ Laughter ]
-Budget cuts. -Could we get smaller cards?
-Yeah, no -- -When we have a regular show,
they're bigger cards. -Yeah.
-Well, guys, if the world isn't suffering enough,
last night on "The Masked Singer,"
we found out Sarah Palin was the bear,
and she even performed without her mask.
Check it out.
-♪ Deep in the jeans she's wearing ♪
♪ I'm hooked, and I can't stop staring ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Want to get wit'cha ♪
♪ And take your picture ♪
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sure it's fine.
I mean, when has a conservative celebrity on a reality show
ever been a problem? [ Laughter ]
Of course, the big story is the coronavirus.
These are some really tense times.
Seriously, at this point,
I wouldn't mind a massage from Joe Biden.
[ Laughter ]
Last night, President Trump addressed the nation
from the Oval Office.
It was a nice change from his usual speeches
right next to a helicopter.
[ Helicopter blades whirring ] "I'm about to go on a trip
in this flying whirlybird car.
Me go in sky now. Bye-bye."
This is only the second time Trump has addressed the country
from the Oval Office.
The first was during the great McRib shortage of 2018.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, the last time Trump spoke from the Oval Office,
it was about his plans to build his border wall,
which means in two years,
the coronavirus should be about 10% taken care of.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump wanted to give a speech to reassure the nation
that everything is gonna be okay, and I think it worked.
Today, the stock market only dropped 2,000 points.
[ Laughter ]
During his address, Trump said, starting Friday,
people from Europe can't fly to the U.S.
He was like, "We have to stop the virus,
so instead of flying here,
I want everyone to take a cruise."
[ Laughter ]
And officials -- normally when we do this,
we rehearse these jokes... -Right.
-...in front of a rehearsal audience,
but today, obviously, there's no audience.
-Yeah. -Just bear that in mind.
[ Light laughter ]
I think you know already. -Yeah.
-Yeah. Anyways. Yeah.
And officials want to be very careful
with the Americans returning from Europe.
They said the only thing worse than coming back with the virus
is coming back and pronouncing Barcelona, "Barthelona."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing ] Hey.
"Esprestho."
-But early on in Trump's address last night,
he struggled with the word "continuing."
-I am confident that by counting and continuing
to take these tough measures...
[ Laughter ]
-Can we see -- What? What was it?
Can we watch that again? What was it?
-I am confident that by counting and continuing to take...
-That's good, that's good, that's good.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
"I'm confident by counting -- and continuing --"
It sounds like his tongue is quarantined from his mouth.
[ Laughter ]
Was someone pinching him under the desk?
"Counting --" [ Inhales sharply ]
"And continuing."
Did you see this? C-SPAN did a livestream
of Trump's speech, but it went on a little longer
than they meant to.
You could actually see Trump after his speech was over.
Watch this.
-We're clear. -Okay.
Ok-a-ay.
[ Laughter ]
-Come on! -He's like, "Ok-a-ay.
So... So that just happened.
Okay."
Sounds like everyone trying to wrap a long call
with their parents. "Okay. I gotta run."
Mm. -Hmm.
-Mm. -Oh, that's a new pile.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, come on. No.
No. -No!
-Dude, I'm waiting for J.P. Morgan to stop me.
-No! No!
-Oh.
-Shredder! [ Motor whirring ]
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, today, Trump spoke alongside
the prime minister of Ireland.
You can tell Trump enjoyed his time
with the Irish prime minister 'cause right after,
he declared the coronavirus "magically contagious."
[ Laughter ]
-Hey!
-♪ They're magically contagious ♪
♪♪
All right. In the middle there.
But this isn't good. Last night, the NBA announced
that they are suspending the season indefinitely.
That means, across the country, there are now 30 empty arenas,
or as that's also known, a tour for Three Doors Down.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, no, you didn't!
[ Cymbal crash ] -I didn't do that.
Oh, snap.
-What? -Wow!
-I didn't -- I didn't write it.
I didn't do it -- say it. You said it.
[ Laughter ]
What -- What's Three Doors --
What song did Three Doors Down do?
-Uh... -"Superman," right?
Something about... -Oh, oh.
♪ If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman ♪
[ Singing gibberish ]
♪ Holding my hand ♪
[ Singing gibberish ]
♪ My super human ♪
♪ My kryptonite ♪
♪ Ye-e-e-e-e-ah! ♪
Not that bad.
-Wow. We know that.
[ Laughter ]
-How do you know that?
I know almost every word.
-I'm impressed that we know that.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry. -I should write down
all the new songs... -Yeah, exactly.
-...that we learned while doing these shows.
Yeah. -There you go.
-Right? -Yeah.
-A lot of things are happening. In fact, a lot of companies
have sent home nonessential employees.
So if you're at home right now, I'm glad you're safe
and sorry that you're considered nonessential.
[ Laughter ]
"All right. I guess I'm nonessential?
Is that cool?" -"Come on."
-And, finally, I read about a company
that started selling packs of 20 pre-made jello shots.
Americans heard and were like, "Forget Purell.
Just give us that. Hey! Ba-dum ching!"
[ Rim shot ] That's it.
That is tonight's monologue, everybody, right there.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know why I was saving -- -Come on, yeah.
-Maybe I'll put it on an inspiration board or something.