ALEX ROY: Farah had just bought a Honda CRX.
MATT FARAH: For someone who gives people advice on buying
cars on almost a daily basis, I am particularly bad at it.
ALEX ROY: A car in which I learned to drive stick.
A car you didn't intend to take on lemons.
A car that was in Toronto, Canada.
MATT FARAH: I once bought a Hummer on impulse because it
was raining.
And I bought a Honda CRX, drunk, sight unseen, from a
different country.
ALEX ROY: Diagonally across Northwest New York state just
past Buffalo.
Under no circumstances would I ever, ever have gone on this
drive, except that I love chicken wings.
And Buffalo, New York is the home of the
original chicken wing.
And of course Matt's a friend.
And of course I love the Honda CRX.
MATT FARAH: I don't know why I thought that
was going to go well.
ALEX ROY: We are now going to see the car for the first
time, and hopefully drive it to New York City.
I could not be more excited.
MATT FARAH: Oh there it is.
ALEX ROY: Dude, awesome.
MATT FARAH: Check out the CRX.
Yeah, buddy.
ALEX ROY: Dude, not too much rust and the paint looks good.
I'm so excited.
MATT FARAH: Let's check it out.
ALEX ROY: This is an amazing car.
MATT FARAH: This is kind of a mess.
See, right now, in third gear, there's about nine inches of
play left to right while in gear.
ALEX ROY: Start the car and let's see what happens.
MATT FARAH: Sounds like a race car.
It has cams in it.
It ran.
It idled at 3,000 RPM for some unknown reason.
And then when we drove it and hit a pothole, I genuinely
thought the suspension was going to
go through the fender.
ALEX ROY: It looks fantastic.
MATT FARAH: It's actually--
it looks good--
There's a little rust here.
I mean this is an eastern Canada car.
ALEX ROY: I presume that the roof works because it's open.
MATT FARAH: It's open.
ALEX ROY: Well that--
that's nothing serious.
MATT FARAH: There's a body panel coming off.
ALEX ROY: Have you looked down here, dude?
MATT FARAH: No.
ALEX ROY: It's got a--
MATT FARAH: That's a giant hole.
ALEX ROY: A muffler that looks like it has cancer.
Have you seen the rust on this side?
MATT FARAH: No.
Is it bad?
We might have been stranded on the side of a Canadian road.
ALEX ROY: The car was missing its title and its
registration.
MATT FARAH: In a Honda Civic with no paperwork, because the
title wasn't there either.
Yeah.
All right, can you go home, or start heading home and look?
I'm literally going to take every single piece of paper I
can find out of this car.
Gregg, you got a trash can?
I'm going to take everything out of this car and try and
find this [BLEEP]
thing.
What a nightmare.
The person who sold it to me said the title
is in the car, signed.
As far as I can tell, it isn't.
So I am literally going to-- there's a
bunch of crap in here--
I'm going to go through everything I can find in this
car and look for the title while he's in LA digging
through his file cabinet.
ALEX ROY: If you were transporting five to
seven-year-old jelly beans and left the car parked in the
sun, that would not begin to describe the interior of the
world's worst Honda Civic CRX.
MATT FARAH: Anti-freeze?
Should we hang on to that just in case?
ALEX ROY: Actually let's be really clear about
what we're doing now.
We're inventorying the life of a car.
And I bet you that by inventorying the items we take
out of it, we will learn everything about Andrew
[INAUDIBLE] car.
MATT FARAH: He likes Molson EX beer.
ALEX ROY: Yes.
MATT FARAH: We've got some Eclipse gum.
ALEX ROY: Wait, but it's mostly unchewed.
Wait.
Haven't you ever wanted to know what gum looked like
after ten years?
MATT FARAH: Mouthwash, Sharpie--
ALEX ROY: Wait, I might-- no.
MATT FARAH: Switch.
ALEX ROY: Wait.
That's a good switch.
MATT FARAH: A speaker grate.
We definitely don't want that.
ALEX ROY: Keep it!
Keep it!
MATT FARAH: For what?
ALEX ROY: These are great speakers in this car.
MATT FARAH: I don't even have a head unit.
ALEX ROY: You're keeping it.
You're keeping it.
MATT FARAH: I've got two Tampax.
ALEX ROY: I thought they were cigars.
MATT FARAH: Lancia Stratos Micro Machine.
ALEX ROY: Keep that.
MATT FARAH: Some Visine.
Must have been smoking the ganja.
Matches.
ALEX ROY: Suggesting he doesn't
have eyesight problems?
Whoa, lean forward!
MATT FARAH: Oh, sorry.
MALE SPEAKER: What have you got there?
ALEX ROY: Another Lancia Stratos Micro Machine.
The Best of Abba, Twentieth Century Masters Collection.
MATT FARAH: I'm not going to lie to you.
I'm praying we are missing the title because--
ALEX ROY: Why?
MATT FARAH: Just something about this car, man.
Something about this car.
I'm going to go talk to the guy.
MALE SPEAKER: There's no title.
All right.
I'm going to start digging through crap in here and see
if I can find it.
ALEX ROY: You realize that the amount of money
spent on this car--
MATT FARAH: Far outweighs the price paid for the car.
ALEX ROY: Yes.
MATT FARAH: Fortunately, most of it has been spent by JF.
ALEX ROY: But if you have to come back, it won't be.
MATT FARAH: No, if I have to come back, it
certainly will not be.
ALEX ROY: That's why I keep thinking I should buy a car
while I'm here.
I've seen several cars here that might be appropriate.
MATT FARAH: Do you want to go take a look?
ALEX ROY: Suppose we need to drive back to New York in
anything that'll run.
Do you have anything that will run, and get us
back to New York City?
We're really flexible, but the crazier, the better.
How about that Saab 9000 Turbo?
Does that thing run?
MALE SPEAKER: No.
MATT FARAH: Can we take a look?
Let's see--
let's see if there's anything reasonable.
ALEX ROY: Who owns that sweet camouflage Golf?
MALE SPEAKER: That's a guy that works for us.
ALEX ROY: That's awesome, dude.
Bless you.
I love that car.
MATT FARAH: Let's go look and see if anything is reasonable
for our potential purchase price.
What do you think a Lincoln Mark VIII is worth?
ALEX ROY: Where?
Where is it?
Oh my God!
That's a really cool car.
I actually drove--
was it a Mark V?
V-8 with a stick.
Look, a Polo convertible.
MATT FARAH: But I'll tell you what.
I am digging the Mark VIII.
ALEX ROY: Look how nice it is.
MATT FARAH: Dude, and it comes with a car phone.
ALEX ROY: Dude, this car's really nice.
The interior looks a little bit like the Next Generation
Enterprise command console.
MATT FARAH: But I'm pretty certain this would be more
than 1,500 bucks.
Provided it runs.
How About the red Civic DX?
ALEX ROY: I don't like that car.
What the hell's that thing?
We were in the world's worst used car dealer.
There was literally nothing else anywhere in this lot that
was drivable.
ALEX ROY: Pontiac.
ALEX ROY: It's a V-8.
MATT FARAH: It is a V-8.
I don't know if I want to roll the dice on this bad boy.
ALEX ROY: Although, you do need dice in
order to ride in it.
MATT FARAH: A Lexus?
ALEX ROY: Yes.
MATT FARAH: If that runs, that thing is like 10 grand.
ALEX ROY: It's got the blue interior.
MATT FARAH: The Lexus--
first Generation Lexus LS400 is the best
luxury car ever made.
ALEX ROY: It's got fur.
MATT FARAH: That's hands down--
I had one of these.
This was my first car, '92 LS400.
This was my first [? whip. ?]
ALEX ROY: I hunted for the best car we could find at what
I thought would be a reasonable, money saving,
thousand dollars-ish.
There was nothing except the coolest car I'd
seen anywhere in Canada.
A hand painted Woodland Hunter's green, brown, black
camouflage Golf of uncertain vintage.
Late '90s?
Who could say?
MALE SPEAKER: There might be an issue with the door.
ALEX ROY: I mean, this car is sweet, dude.
MATT FARAH: This is an issue.
ALEX ROY: What is it?
MATT FARAH: The door doesn't close.
ALEX ROY: That's not a big deal.
They can hammer it shut.
MATT FARAH: How are we going to get in and out of it?
Let's do some math really quick.
So, $500--
let's assume ACP refunds my $500, OK?
So now I've got $500.
ALEX ROY: I've got $700 on me.
MATT FARAH: You've got $700 on you.
He's going to have to fix that with a hammer or something.
ALEX ROY: Hold this?
MATT FARAH: I don't think just slamming it is
going to work, Alex.
I really don't.
Don't break it before we buy it, dude.
Then we're going to have to buy it.
ALEX ROY: OK.
MATT FARAH: So let's talk--
ALEX ROY: Hey, man!
BRANDON: Brandon.
ALEX ROY: Alex,man.
How you doing?
MATT FARAH: Matt.
BRANDON: Matt.
MATT FARAH: How's it going?
You mind being on camera?
BRANDON: No, not at all.
ALEX ROY: Tell us about this door.
BRANDON: Oh!
Door pins.
The only thing it needs is door pins and [INAUDIBLE].
MATT FARAH: Well how do you actually close the door now?
BRANDON: Just lift up on it a little bit--
Oh, hold on.
ALEX ROY: What If you're outside?
BRANDON: What's that?
ALEX ROY: What if you're outside the car?
You know, I believe you.
OK.
And what year is it?
BRANDON: '94.
MATT FARAH: How many kilometers are on it?
BRANDON: 220, I think.
MATT FARAH: That's fewer than the CRX.
Do you have a title for it?
BRANDON: Yup.
Everything.
ALEX ROY: This Golf had everything
you'd want in a Golf.
It had some kind of strange damage to the rear of the car.
Possibly bullets.
MATT FARAH: I didn't immediately notice the bullet
holes, but it looks like a deer and someone could have
shot at it.
What is this blue wire here?
For your stereo?
BRANDON: No.
For--
MATT FARAH: For the CB?
BRANDON: CB, yes.
ALEX ROY: I'm into CBs.
MATT FARAH: I'm into CBs as well.
ALEX ROY: Big time.
And--
MATT FARAH: Can we take it around the block really quick?
BRANDON: Sure.
MATT FARAH: Should we try it out?
ALEX ROY: We have to.
MATT FARAH: We have to.
This seat is really bad.
I'll be honest, the seat is really--
ALEX ROY: I'm sure--
Can't they fix that right here?
MATT FARAH: They probably can, yeah.
I mean what has been done in this car that it requires five
pine tree air fresheners?
ALEX ROY: Well let's look.
It's Team [BLEEP].
Team [BLEEP].
You know what I'm going to say, right?
MATT FARAH: We should buy this.
ALEX ROY: We have to buy this car.
I mean, if we--
MATT FARAH: What if he finds the title to the CRX?
ALEX ROY: I don't--
I think it's done, dude.
MATT FARAH: You think the CRX was shot?
ALEX ROY: Dude, I think he crossed us.
I love ACP.
I think he's a great guy.
But we're on the timetable.
MATT FARAH: We're 3,000 miles from our house right now
without a title to a car.
ALEX ROY: In the part of Canada where trains don't run.
MATT FARAH: Who blocks their rear view mirror with stuff?
ALEX ROY: Whatever we do, let's just
not get pulled over.
Because the cops are going to be a little
suspicious about that.
We would be out of our minds--
MATT FARAH: To take that car for $500 instead of this car
for $1,000.
We've pretty much decided that we'd much rather have this '94
Golf than an '87 CRX.
ALEX ROY: Right.
This is also pre-wired for Sirius/XM radio.
I mean this is worth another $100.
So this car is almost free when you do the math.
MATT FARAH: The shifter itself feels rather nice, actually.
The seat--
ALEX ROY: What's wrong with it?
MATT FARAH: It's leaning like this.
I have to drive like this.
So we may have to prop it up on something.
ALEX ROY: This car's so cool.
MATT FARAH: I know.
I kind of--
ALEX ROY: We look like hunters.
MATT FARAH: I kind of want it, but--
On a Volkswagen electronics are usually the problem.
Electronics, they go bad in Volkswagen's.
And this is a CL spec Volkswagen, which means
Canadian Loser.
It's baser than the base Golf that we get in this country.
And it comes with no power door locks, no power windows,
no radio, and no air conditioning.
So basically, nothing to go wrong.
Here's what we found out, all cars built between 1988 and
1995 are identical for the US market as they are for Canada,
which means you can import them, theoretically.
ALEX ROY: Dude, we're fine.
MATT FARAH: Are you sure?
ALEX ROY: No.
Listen, there's no way to be sure.
Except we saw on the EPA website that it's OK.
MATT FARAH: It says it is, yeah.
So you want $1,100 for that thing?
BRANDON: Yeah.
Without the radio?
MATT FARAH: OK, without the radio.
We will give you $1,100 for your car.
But I want you to at least attempt to fix
the driver's seat.
BRANDON: Sure.
MATT FARAH: Ghetto rig it.
Anything so I'm not doing this.
Because my spine hurts and I have to go 500
miles home in it.
BRANDON: Yeah, I can do that.
ALEX ROY: I have a couple of other questions.
Has anything ever--
any crimes been committed in this car?
BRANDON: No.
MATT FARAH: Because there's like nine air
fresheners in there.
BRANDON: Oh, probably, yeah.
ALEX ROY: A serious question.
This next one is serious.
Have drugs ever been transported or
hidden in this car?
When we cross the border they sniff the car.
BRANDON: Not that I know of.
ALEX ROY: Do you want to move off camera
and repeat that answer?
I have a great idea.
Since you're buying this car, and I don't care what ACP
thinks of you, you tell him that you're
going to take the Golf.
MATT FARAH: I already told him.
ALEX ROY: What did he say?
How did he feel about that?
MATT FARAH: He Goes, oh, you're already there, man.
He's like, I don't really care.
That car can sit there for another two years, I don't
give a [BLEEP].
ALEX ROY: Right.
Let's buy that Golf.
And, as long as you let me lemons it with you--
MATT FARAH: Of course.
You have earned a seat on our lemons team.
ALEX ROY: Because I identified the car.
MATT FARAH: You identified the car.
ALEX ROY: If we get to the border, and anything happens,
I don't know you.
MATT FARAH: How did you two end up in
the same car together?
ALEX ROY: I was just hitch-hiking.
MATT FARAH: Is this video of the two of you with a
taxidermied bear in a Escalade?
ALEX ROY: No.
That was the last time I hitch-hiked.
MATT FARAH: The last time Alex and I were on camera together,
The video got 6.8 million views [INAUDIBLE].
ALEX ROY: I slept almost the entire time.
MATT FARAH: I know.
ALEX ROY: Picton, Ontario, or perhaps New South Wales--
or maybe--
Picton, Ontario, New South Wales-- this is the home where
Andrew Comrie-Picard--
the mystery of whose racing career lies in this town.
Named after Wellington's second in command at Waterloo,
Picton truly is, to my--
let me say that I love Canada.
Let me say that-- to my surprise, a
really wonderful town.
Or perhaps the answer lies with the vehicle in which we
will actually drive home today.
A 1994 camouflage Volkswagen Golf.
Once owned by the infamous shoe tickler of Picton.
The only known case of schizophrenia resulting in a
man who assaulted women in the most passive way possible.
By letting them keep their shoes on and climbing
underneath the seats of the Regent Theater during
screenings of Sensaround classics such as Earthquake
and Meteor-- which starred Sean Connery--
none of which has anything to do with Andrew Comrie-Picard
except that that scandal occurred here, too, in Picton.