(audience laughing)
But yeah, but I'll do compulsive shit.
If a news day is really bad and I'm freaking out
I will do chores that are unnecessary.
Like a couple months ago I went through my box of wires.
I went through my entire box of wires.
Everybody who's been buying equipment
for the last 20 years you got a pretty good bag
or box of cables, chargers, and whatnot going, right?
(audience laughing)
Like I went through, because like every piece
of equipment you buy comes with that one wire
where you're like, what the fuck does this one even do?
Does this even go to this machine?
I don't know, it's all wrapped
and it's got a twisty on it, better save it.
Maybe I'll know what it does later.
(audience laughing) I might need it, right?
I went through that entire box.
It took me like an hour and a half.
Did not think about the end of the world during that time
and honestly I did not throw one of those things away.
(audience laughing) I didn't throw,
I had the exact same experience
with every one of those wires
I had when I got it in the first place.
Oh yeah, this one, still don't know what it does.
(audience laughing) But it's still wrapped.
It's got a twisty on it, maybe the mystery
is yet to be revealed. (audience laughing)
I'm gonna save that one.
And now I'm pretty happy that I did
because I don't know what's gonna happen
on that last day of the planet Earth when the sky's on fire.
Maybe some guy'll come running up my driveway in a frenzy
holding a piece of equipment saying,
"Hey man, if I had a charger for this
"I could save both of us right now, right now!"
And I could be like, holy shit, might be our lucky day.
Let's go look in the box, bro.
(audience laughing)
And who would have thunk a PalmPilot
would be our ticket out of this mess.
(audience laughing) 'Cause not only
do I have a charger, I think I've got an extra stylus.
Would the stylus help us in our journey?
(audience laughing)
For you younger people, a PalmPilot
was one of the first pieces of handheld technology
with a screen on it, an interactive screen it had.
Like pretend like I'm showing you.
(audience laughing)
And there was no Wi-Fi or cellphone,
and you could write on the screen with a stylus
like a little pen and I believe
if I'm not remembering incorrectly
that you had to write in PalmPilot shorthand
which was enough for me to stop using it after three days.
Oh, a I gotta learn a thing?
Not for me, but nonetheless
it was one of the first pieces of handheld technology.
Sort of a futile thing.
It had this weird feature where it could communicate
with other PalmPilots but we never knew why
and you always felt kinda stupid doing it
but you would have to do it if you knew somebody
with a PalmPilot.
Do you wanna do the thing? (audience laughing)
Is it doing it?
Yep, they're talking to each other.
About what?
I don't know, machine stuff.
No they're not, it's just a feature no one uses.
Why you gotta ruin everything?
Look, they're done, yay, so...
(audience laughing)
But the PalmPilots went away, they became extinct
and it was just part of the evolution
to the technological clusterfuck
that we find ourselves in the center of now
just happily codependent to a bunch of smarter machines,
just gleefully enabling the singularity,
just looking forward to a day
where we'll just be the fleshy appendage
of a series of smarter equipment than us.
Ah, how convenient that'll be.
(audience laughing)
Too dark, I can go another way.
(audience laughing)
I think most of us, if we lost our cellphone
you're like two hours away from wandering the streets
saying, "What's my name, where do I live?
"I have a family, but I don't know how to get in touch
"with them or where they are anymore."
Are you okay old man, do you need to go to the hospital?
No son, I've lost my phone!
Would you like me to call it for you, old man?
Yes please, thank you son.
What's the number old man?
I don't know, I don't call myself, it's in the phone!
Oh no, yeah take me to the hospital.
(audience laughing)