-Hi, hi.
Hey. Hi. Hello.
[ Light laughter ]
I'm -- I'm sorry if I seem a little bit --
a little bit out of it right now.
I -- I got my lab results back.
And, uh, just as every doctor suspected,
I'm simply too much.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I come to you as a carefree, platinum blond.
[ Laughter ]
But I haven't always been a carefree, platinum blond.
[ Laughter ]
I was actually born and raised as a brunette.
[ Laughter ]
But I've been a platinum blond for about five years now,
except for a month-long period somewhere in the middle,
where I had a suspicious mole on my back that I had to get
removed and biopsied.
For that period, I went back to being a brunette
because I thought, "No no.
Blond Juilo can't deal with that."
[ Laughter ]
That sounds like a job for a brunette.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I just updated the software on my iPhone.
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
And I was mortified to find out that when you update
your software, what used to be the shooting star emoji
becomes a meteor.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I don't know if Apple knows that the difference
is monumental.
[ Laughter ]
Because, of course, a shooting star emoji
was this gorgeous stroke of iridescence.
It'd go from a very deep blue to a very soothing baby blue
to, like, ah!
[ Laughter ]
The meteor, on the other hand, is this aggressive orange ball
of fire.
[ Laughter ]
So for the longest time, I thought I was being flirty
when really, I was being a psychopath.
[ Laughter ]
I'd get text messages being like, "Hey, Julio.
Will I see you later?" And I'd be like, "I don't know.
Maybe." Ah!
[ Laughter ]
When really I was going, "Maybe!"
[ Laughter ]
I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I -- I brought this up to the genius at the Mac store.
[ Laughter ]
And he said, "Sir, I have to move on with my life."
[ Laughter ]
As you can probably tell by now, my favorite color is clear,
followed closely by shiny.
[ Light laughter ]
I first remember the first time I ever fell in love
with the color clear.
I was a little boy, and I saw Cinderella's pretty little feet
going into that glass slipper.
When I saw that, I was like, "What is that?
[ Laughter ]
Mother, let's rewind."
[ Laughter ]
And she was like, "Rewind to what?"
And I'm like, "You know to what.
[ Laughter ]
To the shoe."
[ Light laughter ]
You know, a lot keeps me up at night these days.
[ Laughter ]
But -- okay.
Remember that scene in "Cinderella" where she has to
rush out of the ball, and she leaves behind
that glass slipper?
The prince finds the shoe, and this is all has has left of her.
But then, presumably, there's a scene where the prince goes
to his subjects and he goes, "Have every maiden
in the kingdom try this on until you find the girl I met
at the ball."
But I bet there were like, "Or...
[ Laughter ]
...you could just come with us and look at their faces."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And he was probably like, "But who would we use the shoe?"
[ Laughter ]
You know, just because you have a tool doesn't mean that
you have to use it.
Okay, unless there's any questions, thank you all.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Band plays ]
-Julio Torres!
Follow Julio on Twitter @JulioTheSquare.