Alright, now do you remember when you were a kid,
and you'd be sleeping at night,
and then all of a sudden you wake up and you start to freak out
and then you start screaming around the house for no reason?
No? You didn't do that as a kid?
Yeah, well, neither did my ass.
But you know who did? It was my friend David!
Now, I don't know what it was,
but every so often David's brain would just misfire while he was sleeping,
and he'd freak out and start screaming around the house,
like he got shot by a rifle.
I don't know if he was sleepwalking or having night terrors,
or if his ass was in Vietnam
and he was having flashbacks of Charlie in the trees.
But whatever it was,
it was startling as hell if you were staying the night at his house.
And I have seen him flip out on multiple occasions.
Now, the first time it happened, it was the middle of the night at his house.
And I was sleeping on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed.
But all of a sudden David's ass just starts screaming in the middle of his room.
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Huh?!
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"What the fuck?!"
Now, my delirious ass had to assess the situation pretty quick.
And naturally, I came to the conclusion
that David is possessed by the Devil.
And he may or may not try to kill me with his bare hands.
He runs out of his bedroom, screaming.
Meanwhile his mom is still asleep somehow,
totally oblivious to the midnight mayhem that's happening.
And keep in mind, I'm 9 years old at this time.
I don't know what the hell to do, it's 1999 for Christ's sake!
It's not like there's a goddamn Echo Dot in the room that I can ask a question.
"Hey Alexa,
what are you supposed to do, when your friend is possessed by the Devil?"
"Sorry, I'm not sure about that."
"Oh, okay. Well, I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
So what do you do in this situation?
Well, I'll tell you what I did.
I locked my ass in the bathroom, that's what I did.
I don't know what's going on, but I sure as hell am not gonna be there,
when he's doing that backwards crabwalk down the stairs and shit.
I'm peeking out of the bathroom, seeing if the coast is clear.
"The power of Christ compels you!"
- The Power of Christ- - AAAAAAAA!
(Door shuts) "Oh, God damn it!"
Eventually his ass would calm down.
His brain would reset and he'd start acting normal again.
You just had to wait it out.
I come out of the bathroom, like,
"Dude, what the hell was that all about?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh yeah, sometimes I wake up and I freak the fuck out."
"I don't really know why I do it, you wanna play Sega Genesis?"
So needless to say,
it was a bit of a gamble staying the night at David's house.
But it wasn't just his house, he'd flip out if he stayed at my house too.
We'd be in my room sleeping,
all of a sudden he shoots up out of the bed like Linda Blair and shit.
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"Oh God damn it, not again!"
I'd have to, like, Huck a Furby at him to buy some time.
Then scamper out of my room, like my fucking house is on fire.
I'd go downstairs where my parents are playing cards and be like,
"Hey, my friend's possessed by the Devil and he's losing his shit."
"Can I just play Spades and drink Milwaukee's Best with you guys?"
But out of all the times I've seen David go postal,
there was one night in particular that stands out from the rest.
And that was the night that David and I
stayed the night at our friend Stephen's house.
And that night was your typical summer night.
We're having a good ol' time, eating 3D Doritos.
Staying up all night, playing 50-turn rounds of Mario Party 2.
"You better not steal my star,
I'll fucking hammer throw your ass out of the window!"
(Glass shatters)
"I told you not to do it, God damn it!"
But eventually, we all pass out in the living room.
I'm sleeping on the couch, still got a controller in my hand and shit.
Everything is fine and dandy.
But guess what time it is?
That's right, time to freak the fuck out o'clock.
Once again, out of nowhere,
David starts screaming, like he's a goddamn pterodactyl.
I wake up and see his ass running circles around Stephen and his little brother.
They're laying on the floor, trying not to move or make eye contact.
Like they're a part of a goddamn hostage standoff.
Stephen's mom, who apparently is a much lighter sleeper than David's mom,
comes running downstairs with a baseball bat,
thinking there is a goddamn Wolverine in the house or some shit.
But instead, she finds a 9-year-old attention-deficit child
running amok in her house.
"Everybody calm down, let the Devil run its course!"
"He will be normal in like, 15 minutes."
So we pin his ass on the ground,
like we're fucking Secret Service agents after an assassination attempt.
Stephen's mom ends up calling David's mom at like, 6 in the morning.
"Oh yeah, I'm gonna need you to come pick up your kid."
"He's flipping out."
"And I'm about to commit a felonious assault with a goddamn baseball bat!"
And of course, David finally does calm down.
He's all confused, doesn't know what the hell is going on.
"Get off of me, what the hell happened?!"
"You guys wanna play Sega Genesis?"
"Oh, you were flipping your shit, that's what happened!"
"You were yelling and screaming all over the place, like we're at a goddamn KMart."
"I can't have that in this house!"
So David's mom comes and gets him at the asscrack of dawn.
And that was the last time he was allowed to stay the night at Stephen's house.
"Yeah, I almost had to pull a Ted Williams
and tee off on your kid with a baseball bat."
"You guys should make people sign a waiver
before you let his little goofy ass stay the night somewhere."
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