WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
COMBING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS, SELECTING ONLY THE HIGHEST
QUALITY AND MOST TOPICAL BONDED CALFSKIN-LEATHER STORIES,
CAREFULLY TANNING AND CUTTING THEM WITH MILLIMETER PRECISION,
THEN WEAVING IT ALL TOGETHER IN A DOUBLE-FACED INTRE-CCIATO
PATTERN TO CREATE FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE BOTTEGA VENETA CLUTCH
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, WHILE AT A RAVE IN A CONDEMNED CEMENT FACTORY, I
GET INJECTED WITH A MYSTERY COCKTAIL OF HALLUCINOGENS AND
PAINT SOLVENTS, THEN, OBEYING THE VOICES WHO WILL STEAL MY
TEETH IF I DON'T, I STUMBLE INTO A SHIPYARD WHERE I RIP THE
CANVAS TARP FROM A GRAVEL TRUCK, TIE IT OFF WITH THE ROPE FROM A
ROTTING FISHING NET, THEN WANDER A FOOD COURT, FILLING IT WITH
WHAT I THINK ARE GOLD COINS BUT ARE, IN FACT, OTHER PEOPLE'S CAR
KEYS, TO DRAG AROUND THE ROOTLESS TRANSIENT'S CLUTTER
SACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S LIKE BEING KISSED BY YOUR MOM.
MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS AT GEORGIA TECH HAVE DISCOVERED A
MASSIVE "MARVEL" PLOT HOLE: THANOS COULDN'T HAVE SNAPPED
WHILE WEARING A GLOVE.
AMAZING!
THEY FOUND AN UNREALISTIC THING IN A "MARVEL" MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER )
SCIENTISTS: HOW'S THAT CURE FOR CANCER COMING ALONG?
JUST CHECKING.
NOW, THE HEAD RESEARCHER EXPLAINED THAT HE WAS SKEPTICAL
FROM THE START, SAYING, "I WAS LIKE, NO WAY CAN THAT THANOS
SNAP WITH THAT INFINITY GAUNTLET.
I BET, LIKE, THE SOFTNESS OF OUR SKIN HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH IT."
HE'S JUST FOLLOWING THE TIME-HONORED SCIENTIFIC METHOD:
MAKE AN OBSERVATION, ASK A QUESTION, WONDER WHY EVERYONE'S
LEAVING THE PARTY, SIT ALONE IN BED AND TELL YOURSELF THAT IF
"WONDER WOMAN" WERE REAL, SHE'D THINK YOU WERE INTERESTING.
MEANWHILE, IN CANADA, A DEER WAS SEEN WANDERING AN ALBERTA TOWN
WITH ANTLERS FULL OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
OH, BOY.
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS AT SANTA'S OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
BLITZEN GETS BLITZED AND THEN JEALOUSLY TRIES TO OUTDO
RUDOLPH: "YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL, RUDY!
YOU WERE BORN LIKE THAT!
THIS TOOK THOUGHT, YOU FREAK!"
BLITZEN'S NOT NICE.
BLITZEN IS THE MEAN ONE.
YOU CAN TELL.
MEANWHILE, WE'RE ALL HOPING FOR BREAKTHROUGH TECHNOLOGIES TO
FREE US FROM DEPLETING THE WORLD OF PRECIOUS RESOURCES AND
POLLUTING OUR OCEANS.
AND THIS WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT SCIENTISTS JUST MADE PLASTIC OUT
OF SALMON SPERM-- YOU KNOW, THAT HIGHLY RENEWABLE AND EXTREMELY
PLENTIFUL RESOURCE, SALMON SPERM.
NEXT, I HEAR THEY'RE GOING TO WORK ON MAKING GASOLINE OUT OF
TIGER BONES.
OF COURSE, THE TRICKIEST PART OF COLLECTING SALMON SPERM IS
ASKING THE SALMON TO GO INTO THAT LITTLE ROOM WITH A CUP AND
A COPY OF "BLOWFISH MAGAZINE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
APPARENTLY, STRANDS OF D.N.A.
FROM SALMON SPERM WERE DISSOLVED IN WATER AND MIXED WITH IONOMERS
TO CREATE A GEL THAT CAN BE MOLDED INTO VARIOUS SHAPES.
AND THE SCIENTISTS MOLDED A SMALL WHITE MUG.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THAT MUG BEING MADE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO NEED A LOT MORE SALMON SPERM.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE.
I HEAR IT'S GREAT.
NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND MEANWHILE, THE JAMAICAN
GOVERNMENT LAUNCHED A CAMPAIGN ABOUT HOW GREAT WEED IS.
I THINK PEOPLE KNOW THAT, JAMAICA.
THEY LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEFF GOLDBLUM.