Intro
Today we’re going to talk about 6 ways of ruining your happiness and make your life
very miserable.
Oftentimes, these things are so subtle that they go unnoticed.
We may not even realize we’re doing them, yet we can’t seem to understand why we’re
experiencing feelings of unhappiness.
And while this video may not be the full answer to that question, it might be part of the
answer for some, or at the very least, it may give you some food for thought.
Alright.
Let’s get miserable together.
5 things
Be resentful
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
” ― Carrie Fisher.
Very famous quote, I’m sure most of us have heard it.
Unlike the “normal” feelings of disappointment, anger and frustration that we all experience,
resentment is when we hold on to those emotions.
While it can be caused by a variety of different reasons, what it often stems from is the belief
that we’ve been wronged by a person.
We fail to forgive and to let go.
Now, several studies show that anger and resentment can lead to a variety of health problems,
both mental and physical.
But it’s also the whole chicken and egg situation, as it may be that a person's health
problems were what contributed to or led to feelings of anger and resentment.
EIther way, by letting resentment go unnoticed, unaddressed and unresolved, it’s inevitable
that it’ll lead to feelings of unhappiness.
And if you really want to indulge in resentment, make sure you frequently remind yourself of
those who wronged you.
Better yet, if you want to go pro-level, keep a list of it.
Put it in Notion.
That person who always left you out, the person who laughed at you, the person who didn’t
help you when you needed them, the person who lied to you, that person who accidentally
walked into you.
Make sure they all make the list.
And, I mean, it’s not like they will know, and even if they did, what’s to say they'd
even care?
Really, the only one suffering here is you.
Perhaps more than they ever made you suffer.
Ruminate
Rumination: a focusing of one's attention on negative or distressing thoughts or feelings
that when excessive or prolonged may lead to or exacerbate an episode of depression.
So, instead of just making a list of all the ways others have wronged you, to ruminate
would be to go over those events, thoughts and experiences in your mind, in detail.
Again, and again, and again.
Until you become upset, and well, obsessed.
Better yet, invite your friends to obsess over it too.
Now, when we do this, we may tell ourselves that we’re being productive; that we’re
trying to solve a problem.
That we’re doing it because we need to make sense of what happened, in order to learn
and in order to grow.
How else are we supposed to move on?
Even though we know, deep down, that the things we ruminate on done and over with: it’s
in the past.
Yet, for a moment, it may give us a false sense of control.
That somehow, there are hidden leads and answers to be found if we only seek them hard enough.
And maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to change what happened.
But even if we don’t, we may find comfort in holding on to this thing from the past
that we can’t seem to accept.
But unlike productive reflection or introspection, at the end of a rumination session, we don’t
actually feel like we’ve processed anything.
We don’t feel closer to a solution, closure, answers or whatever it is that we’re looking
for, even if we may tell ourselves that we do.
Instead, we often feel even more frustrated, confused and hurt.
I guess that’s what happens when you try to solve the unsolvable.
Fight every battle
“Be selective with your battles.
Sometimes peace is better than being right.”
I came across that quote years ago.
I have no idea who said it, apparently no one does, since I couldn’t find it.
You know how some people seem like they’re almost looking for a reason to get upset or
to snap at someone?
It’s like they’re hoping someone will accidentally bump into them or say or do something
that doesn’t sit right with them, just so they can have any reason at all to get into
battle.
They don’t stop to smell the roses; they stop to look around and find the next thing
they can get mad at.
Sometimes, we are that person.
Sometimes, we know that person.
And sometimes, we encounter that person.
Involuntarily.
But other people are not the only battles we face.
Sometimes, life throws us other curveballs; things don’t go as planned and we face inconveniences.
And if you want to drain yourself, emotionally, physically and mentally - engage in every
single battle coming your way.
Or better yet, seek them out.
Someone looked at you strangely?
Wrote you a nasty comment?
Was mean or disrespectful to you?
You can’t simply let it pass!
You must participate in every argument and confrontation coming your way; no matter how
minor or unimportant it might be.
If you want unhappiness, that is.
Picking your battles, aka choosing wisely what to participate in, is for people who
seek to protect their peace.
It’s for people who’d rather be happy than be right.
So if you want the opposite, choose the opposite.
Have self-limiting beliefs.
In other words, underestimating what you’re capable of
A bullet-proof way of remaining stuck in life which then often leads to feelings of unhappiness
is believing that you can’t; that you can’t start a business, rock that outfit, get a
raise, start a youtube channel or any other venture you’re wanting to pursue, but that
you aren’t pursuing.
And look, sometimes we are limited by things like resources and time or even psychological
factors or other health concerns.
But more often than not, we’re limited by the negative self-perception we have of ourselves.
We’ve convinced ourselves so hard that the mere thought of US taking any step outside
of this perception of what is possible seems outrageous.
Sometimes, these beliefs are rooted so deeply in our mind; perhaps as a result of our childhood;
a parent who didn’t take us seriously; classmates who laughed at our ideas, that they became
our truth.
It’s all we know.
But while others might’ve created the monsters in your head, you’re the one who keeps feeding
them, by believing things like “I can’t”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m too
much x and too little y”.
Ask yourself, how long are you going to keep feeding those monsters?
I bet the larger they get the harder they’ll be to starve, which leads me to my next point:
Falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy
Sunk cost fallacy, typically used when discussing business and economics, but can also be used
when talking about our personal life.
It’s when we follow through with something or continue doing something that no longer
serves us, because we’ve already invested time, money or some other resource in it.
And not only does it no longer serve us, sometimes, it makes us downright unhappy, or unhealthy
in other ways.
It’s when we buy tickets for a show that we no longer want to go to, but we’ll rather
go and be miserable than stay at home and live with the fact that we’ve “wasted”
money.
It’s when we stay in a relationship or a job or a friendship for way longer than we
would’ve liked to, because so much has been invested in it.
It’s when we finish a movie that sucks because we’ve already watched an hour of it.
Logically, we often know that it’s irrational.
The concert ticket money is already gone, regardless of if you attend or not.
And so is the time and effort you’ve invested into your relationship, regardless of if you
stay or not.
And so, we keep “wasting” even more time and money on things we’ve already “wasted”
time and money on, because we’re already invested.
We fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy, and we let it dictate our decisions.
Sometimes, we do this because we tell ourselves that MAYBE things will be worth it later on.
MAYBE things will turn around.
MAYBE this movie will actually make sense and get better towards the end.
MAYBE the concert will actually be fun.
And sure, sometimes, that happens.
But oftentimes, it doesn’t.
So yes, there might be a treasure hidden in that hole that you’re digging.
But how deep are you willing to dig to find out?
Be in a constant state of hurry
Constant hurry makes life blurry.
One day you’ll reach the end of it, feeling like you never attended it.
I think one of the greatest contributors to my happiness has been slowing down, noticing
and appreciating the smaller things in life.
And even the bigger things too.
The joys and pleasures; the accomplishments.
I take note of them, no matter how small they are, and I do that every day.
There’s also the opposite way of approaching life; rushing through the days like you’re
late to go somewhere, like you’re late to the future, but then the future becomes the
present, and the future is once again distant.
Have any of you played super mario on nintendo 64?
You know how he runs up the endless stairs?
That’s what life can feel like sometimes, when we don’t pause enough.
And that too, I think, is a bullet-proof road to misery.
You know I’m actually going to challenge myself right now, right here, to find 5 things
that bring me a sense of joy..