- Wanna start off by letting you know that I am gay as hell.
I'm great at it.
I do a great job.
I was sitting there being black.
I was like, you know what?
Give me another thing.
(upbeat music)
- The pandemic was so long, I transitioned.
That's right.
All those gas station attendants my entire life
calling me sir were right, they were right.
They were right, they knew me
and they loved me before I could love myself, you know?
I'm very grateful to those guys, very grateful.
I've been taking testosterone for about a year and
yeah, thank you.
And honestly, sometimes I just feel like
history's slowest werewolf, you know?
Just like, just a hair every now and then, you know?
Not so much like howling at the moon,
but I can carry like four bags of groceries on one arm.
I do use they them pronouns, thank you so much.
Usually people, you know, lift me up on their shoulders
and carry me out into the streets,
so I mean, kind of timid from you but whatever.
I will be canceling you all later, it's fine.
None of you have jobs or social media
so, next time, clap!
Just kidding.
I do, I mostly use they them pronouns these days
just to keep people questioning
whether they really want to talk to me or not.
It's like a very great buffer.
People are like, I don't know, what can I, I'm avoiding you.
I'm just, I'm not gonna talk to you.
Can't, don't know what to say.
But then if you live in like, you know,
a progressive place, you know,
I go to parties or something
and some faux woke person always like accosts me.
And I'm so sorry, it's always the white ladies.
It's like, it takes one to know one, you know what I mean?
I just, like I used to be you, you know?
I used to.
I thought I was, I thought, I thought I was, you know?
I thought, and I was wrong, but.
'Cause like, the dudes pretty much leave me alone.
You know, it's either out of confusion or respect.
And I think it's a great combo of both.
But I go to parties and like the women are just like,
I gotta know what pronouns you use.
What are your pronouns?
They're like, they don't even know my name yet,
but they're like, what pronoun?
I gotta know, I gotta, I gotta know.
And I'm like, they them.
And they're like, she uses they them, everybody.
Just letting everybody know.
This woman, this senorita, she uses they them
so everybody get on board.
I'm just saying, if you don't care, don't ask,
you know what I mean?
If you don't care what my pronouns are, don't ask.
That's my update to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
If you don't care, don't ask.
Leave me alone.
- Yes, I am gay.
Unlike most gay people though,
I did not come out of the closet.
My name is Fortune.
I came out of a cookie.
I was a late bloomer though.
I didn't come out until I was 25.
And I remember when I was in college, my mom would be like,
I don't understand why you get so upset
when your friend Michelle goes out on dates with guys.
And I was like, because she's my best friend.
(Fortune groans)
You don't get it.
Apparently I did not get it.
I had no idea, dressed just like this too.
No clue.
- Oh God, I'll give you guys a little bit of a,
a little bit of a family history.
I am gay, and to add onto that,
my older brother is also gay.
So my dad is real proud (laughs).
Yes.
The thing is like, I was a very flamboyant kid.
You know what I mean?
Like there was no question and it didn't occur to me
that my older brother might have also been a flamboyant kid
until my mom sent me some family videos recently
of when we were younger.
It's when the Chicago Bulls won a championship
and they're going around the entire house
and my whole family's screaming.
They're like Michael Jordan rules, Michael Jordan rules.
Then they get to my nine year old brother
and he's like, well, if anyone rules, it's Janet Jackson.
And I can just imagine like my mom trying to
have a conversation with my dad being like,
Steve, I think this one's gayer than the other one.
What is happening in my uterus?
- And we moved fast, I'm not gonna lie.
We were lesbians, we did it.
We did the lesbian thing.
We lesbianed this fuck up, you know?
We got married super fast.
We met in February, we got married in June.
Lesbian style, don't judge me.
I live my life how I want.
It was fast, but I also feel like
that's a part of why it's going bad.
Just not enough time, you know what I mean?
We moved too quick.
That's how these stuff gets messed up.
And my grandmother tried to warm me.
She's like, you moving too fast.
And then it was like, yo, we really are
'cause my wife's already talking about kids,
started talking about babies, you know what I mean?
And I'm super excited, but just not now.
But I'm ready, I want one, you know?
When it's time, I'll go buy a Asian baby.
I'm gonna get a straight up Asian baby, turn it up.
Go cop one of them things fresh off the lot, you know?
I'm ready.
I was so amped, I went and told my grandmother about it.
I was like, yo, listen, we gonna adopt an Asian baby.
She started shitting on me, tried to ruin my dreams.
She was like, eh, a Asian baby?
You need to adopt a black baby.
I was like, I could have a black baby for free.
For free.
If I'm gonna buy a baby,
I'm gonna get the best baby I can get.
I'ma buy the best baby on the market.
I know how to invest my money, you sound stupid.
It's hard though, it's hard merging lives, you know?
We got other factors, you know what I mean?
With ladies, our periods have synced up, it's crazy.
No one's discussing that.
The lesbian community's not, you know,
message boarding about this shit.
We should be, it's a problem.
The period sync up is huge.
It's a huge issue, man.
It's hard.
We're fighting.
I don't even know why, we're just two broads
for one week outta every month, going at it.
I don't even understand why.
Just emotions outta fucking control.
She's in the bedroom crying over Love Actually.
I'm in the living room,
crying over ESPN 30 for 30 documentaries.
Losing my mind.
I'm over 30, so my emotions outta whack.
I'm rocking my dog like he's a baby, crying.
I don't know what I'm doing.
We meet in the hallway, yell over who used the last tampon,
cry over our daddy issues.
It's bad, it's the one time where I'm like,
eh, maybe this is against God.
Maybe this is how nature intended this shit.
Maybe we're wrong.
- And by the way, can I say
that this is the best time in the world to be queer?
I'm so excited.
Being queer is the best fucking thing
that ever happened to me.
And I walk around with like, power.
I walk around like yeah, motherfucker.
That's right, motherfucker.
'Cause everyone knows nowadays,
you can't say anything remotely sideways about queers.
If you even slightly inconvenience a queer person on TV,
100 male ballet dancers will show up
outside your fucking job
and pas de bourre until you come downstairs and apologize.
Like, did you make fun of my dog's wedding?
Pas de bourre, pas de bourre.
- My phone, speaking of, actually thinks I'm straight.
I'm gay, but my phone thinks I'm straight.
And I know that to be true,
'cause it recently auto corrected hi bitch to hobbit.
I was like, okay, I can pass.
Actually very much can pass.
I was recently, I've already once
been featured on Comedy Central's Instagram account
and that's why this is a huge honor.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Okay, calm down or I'm gonna call the police
and report you for obsession with me.
And truly, the last time I was on
Comedy Central's Instagram, I did no gay material.
Just like family values shit.
But I did speak in this voice
and it upset straight people cross the nation.
I think they thought I was doing it on purpose
which I agree would be socio.
But I did read every single comment
'cause I am absolutely obsessed with myself
and it was just gay people aren't funny,
I hate gay people, I hate the white girl whine.
We get it, you like dick,
don't gotta sound like one's in you right now.
Gay people aren't funny.
But then, thank god, finally people did come on and say,
actually shut up because gay people are funny.
And just because this person isn't funny
doesn't mean no gay people are funny.
And I was like, oh my god,
even the allies are absolutely dragging me.
Put it on my tombstone.
Here lies Pat Regan, the allies hated him even.
- And you know, as a professional homosexual
who's trying to make it in this industry.
It's so exciting that there's like a big gay movie
that comes out every year.
Like a few years ago, it was Carol.
Call Me By Your Name.
This year, it was Joker.
And it's so, so exciting.
But I also find that it's so frustrating
that straight actors keep winning awards
for playing gay characters,
when I have yet to win any awards
for my convincing portrayal of straight girl
who gives hand jobs all throughout high school and college.
Okay, I was method.
I did not break character once.
Some people said it was brave.
Others said ow, too dry.
So I'm gonna show you what I think is
some award-winning acting
and I'd love to have your help right here.
What's the last straight movie you've seen?
Okay, yeah, that's okay.
You're such a good ally, you haven't even seen them.
Okay, great.
So I'm gonna take a deep breath and fall into character.
You just say action as loud as possible
for everyone to hear, okay?
- Oh, I think I got it.
- Okay, I've already moved on.
Okay, okay.
I've like, okay, thank you.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, you got that?
Okay, this is the first time I gave a handjob.
- [Woman] Action. - Okay, too soon.
It took me a long time to come out of the closet.
It takes me a second to get back in, okay.
Okay, whoo.
Let me get into character.
Uggs, baseball, okay, here we go.
This is the first time I gave a handjob.
- [Woman] Action.
Oh my God, cool Boondock Saints poster.
Can't wait to get my hands on it.
Okay, here we go.
(scatting)
Ooh, it's working.
(scatting)
Oh, you're done already.
And I'm gay, and scene.
Thank you.
- This is my coming out story.
It's very personal, so I really, basically you're welcome.
So I grew up on the south side of Chicago
and I came out when I was 17,
but I knew that coming out risked losing people
that were close to me,
but at the time in my life, I was like, you know what?
So be it.
I have four sisters and my parents.
That's who I wanted to come out to.
I was too afraid to tell my sisters in person.
So I just sent them a group text
and all it said was, hey guys, I'm gay.
Then one of them wrote back, yeah, that makes sense.
Then I wrote back, what is that supposed to mean?
Then she wrote, you wear a lot of
cowboy boots in the summer.
And I replied, I just like the sound of clacking.
Then I wrote, oh, there it is, I see what you mean, okay.
But I was so mad 'cause I was expecting them to abandon me.
I was gonna use that trauma to create art in the future.
They deprived me that.
So I was like, you know what?
I'm gonna come out to my mother
'cause she's crazy Christian.
I was again too afraid to tell her in person.
I wrote her a letter and I went to school.
I'm sitting in class and I get a text message from her.
And all it says is, I wouldn't care if you were
a green alien, I will love you no matter what.
And I was like, what the fuck does that mean?
I was gonna use whatever fucked up thing she said
as the prologue to my memoir.
So I go home 'cause I know she has something else to say.
She's a sneaky bitch.
She calls me into the bathroom, she's sitting on the toilet.
We have a close relationship.
I sit on the edge of the tub.
She looks me in the eyes and she says, I love you
but you know you're going to hell, right?
And I replied, you're divorced, so are you.
And we looked at each other for a very long time
and she took a deep breath and she said, you got me there.
And I was like, yes I did.
The gay comes quick, I'm sassy.
And then I was like, dope, I am an out homosexual man.
Had my first boyfriend that summer,
my nephew had a birthday party,
brought him to the party, normalized it all.
It was great.
Then on my way home, I got a text message from my father.
And he was like, who was that guy?
And I wrote back, that was my boyfriend.
And he wrote, you're gay question mark.
And I wrote, oh my God, I forgot to tell you.
And then he wrote, no joke, this is exactly what he wrote.
It's okay, just don't get AIDS.
And I replied, yeah, you neither.
And then he wrote, you got me there.
And I was like, yes, I did.
(upbeat music)