- I remember this so vividly.
It happened in the second week of class.
'Cause the first two weeks of math class,
didn't they always take it easy on you?
You know, they were like "Previously on math", you know.
(audience laughs)
They just gave you the greatest hits,
they were like "Remember 2 + 2 = 4,
wasn't that fun and easy?"
"Remember Bobby has five apples,
he gives three apples to Sylvia."
Now looking back, it's like what do you mean
he gives three apples, he just gives them to her?
No questions asked? (audience laughs)
No one's tryna make a buck here, you know?
Realistically that problem would be like
Bobby has 10 billion apples,
he sends 90% of them off to an offshore bank account
to escape paying apple taxes.
(audience laughs)
Meanwhile Sylvia hasn't seen fruit in months.
(audience laughs)
Has to set up a GoFundMe
to pay for her brother's liver transplant.
And you're like, "I'm 10, what's happening?"
My teacher's like "You're ready for algebra,
that's what's happening."
(audience laughs)
And she turned around, wrote on the board.
She was like, "All right, X - 9 = 3,
solve for X."
And I was like "Okay, I think I solved it,
X is not supposed to be there,"
(audience laughs)
"at all because last I checked, letters is words."
(audience laughs)
"And now you're telling me that letters is math,
and it feels kinda wrong, and sinful, you know?"
(audience laughs)
I had a very bigoted reaction to this.
I kinda felt like a right-wing talk radio host, you know?
(audience laughs)
Like "Maybe I'm old fashioned,
but I remember when men were men
and numbers were numbers, you know?"
(audience laughs)
"Words were words, now you got these degenerate letters
cavorting around, identifying as numbers, I mean,"
(audience laughs)
"it's a slippery slope!
What's next?! What are you gonna tell me,
that shapes is math too?"
(audience laughs)
My teacher was like, "I have bad news for you."
(audience laughs)
"Shapes is totally math too,
here's your homework actually,
it's a circle, how much?"
(audience laughs)
"What's the diameter, how much circle
is there inside of this circle?"
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Hello police,
my teacher is asking me satanic riddles."
(audience laughs)
"Why yes, I am talking into my hand right now,
I figure shapes is math, there's obviously no rules anymore.
Maybe hands is phone as well,
now that we're just sayin' what things are,
and that's what they are."
(audience laughs)
My teacher's like, "Calm down, try the next problem."
I'm like, "Okay, I see a triangle."
She's like, "Okay now, prove it."
(audience laughs)
Do you know that they're doing this to children?
(audience laughs)
They're asking children to prove
that shapes are shapes.
And I was like, "Okay well nevermind then,
that's not a triangle because
I don't know how to prove that to you."
(audience laughs)
"I retract my statement, regarding the triangle."
(audience laughs)
The teacher's like, "Well, it is a triangle."
I'm like, "Okay, then I just proved it, right now."
(audience laughs)
"Because you just admitted that it's a triangle,
therefore, that's a triangle, I tricked you,
you look super dumb right now."
(audience laughs)
And then she was like,
she said the worst thing I've ever heard,
she said, "You have to show your work."
(audience groans)
Ugh. Remember when teachers would ask you to show your work,
and you did not have any work to show.
So you just got all vague and philosophical like,
"Behold the triangle, who can say what makes a triangle
a triangle, it is a mystery as old as the universe itself,
one can only behold and look at it
and go ha ha ha, that's a
♪ Bah bah bah dah rah rah ♪
♪ Pah pah rah rah pah pah pah pah pah pah ♪
♪ Pah Rah lah dah dah dah ♪
♪ That's a triangle ♪
(audience laughs)
And then you got an F, and that's another letter
that ruins your life.
(audience laughs)
You guys have been nice.
Thank you, my name is Pedro Salinas, have a goodnight.
(audience clapping)
(upbeat music)
(audience continue clapping)