hey it's Riaz Meghji founder of the every conversation counts platform for a
proven tips and techniques on how you can make every conversation count and
build human connection you know the drill
subscribe to the channel and hit the bell so you'll get notified when a new
video is released want to talk about the reality we're living in right now a lot
of time being spent in close quarters with the people we love could be family
members could be friends could be roommates maybe in some cases colleagues
and when this much time is spent in close quarters patience could run thin
and tempers could be flaring how do we deal with that well it's funny a few
years back about five years ago right before I got married had a good friend
give me some advice about marriage in the form of a question when it comes to
dealing with inevitable arguments that pop up and he said Ria's do you want to
be right or do you want to be in a relationship and I remember thinking
well can I have both I don't think you can have both if you know the answer for
a both please let me know in the comments below but after years of
interviewing successful leaders the theme that stood out of how you manage
conflict and essentially disagree agreeably came down to one technique
relationship first logic second now how do you pull off that approach follow
these four steps first things first acknowledge their concern at the
University of Wisconsin the Madison Center for investigating healthy minds
did plenty of research on how uncertainty is a trigger for stress and
anxiety so whether you agree with what is being said or not
do yourself a favor allow that person to express their emotion and exhale their
frustration I mean two of our biggest underlying commonalities are the desires
to be seen and to be heard if you allow this to happen you will start to disarm
their intensity and then begin to transform this potential confrontation
into a collaboration this next tip was taught to me by one of the world's
foremost experts on radical empathy in deep listening dr. mark Coulston anger
and empathy cannot coexist he found that
he is a sensory experience that activates the sensory part of your
nervous system while anger is a motor action which is essentially a reaction
to a perceived threat or hurt by somebody else in his research it showed
that if you let one in your brain has to let the other go look if we're getting
into a disagreement we want to be on the same side so take the opportunity to
look at the issue through their lens first and listen lead with listening by
understanding not just delivering a quick reply and if you can maintain a
calm state by all means continue if you struggle
and get worked up be honest with that struggle and share it and then give
yourself time and space to regroup and come back to the conversation third tip
own your emotions we are the managers of our own emotion and thinking about that
feeling when things get heated the the words we might throw to the other person
you always everybody knows and then there's the two words that are
guaranteed to turn your conversation into a dumpster fire you know what they
are calm down don't do it don't do it a 2013 study
titled conflict management difficult conversations with difficult people this
was done by researchers at the University of Wisconsin they looked at
how do you create a safe space when getting into an argument their key
finding the use of I statements so consider this when we're getting worked
up what are you feeling I'm feeling angry
I'm feeling frustrated I am feeling lonely instead of you make me feel
because once we get into the blame game that can create a hostile dynamic so if
we can own our emotion and avoid the blame game it will help cut the tension
and get us to productive outcomes final tip and this is where the logic comes in
focus on what you can agree on there is always common ground maybe it's
more structure to your day more space for solitude a more input on certain
projects find those common interests and yes recap their point of view so you can
ensure you have understood what you've just heard and here are some questions
that will how you find that common ground how about we
focus on what we can agree on what's the real challenge for you here and what
would it take for this to work for you in the end people want to feel a sense
of belonging so if you can acknowledge their concern if you can lead with
empathy and own your emotion and then focus on what you can agree on this will
help that person feel valued instead of feeling like a villain and ultimately
help save your relationship hope you found these tips helpful would love to
get your take on what you do to cut the tension when things get heated
definitely let me know your thoughts in the comments below in case you're new to
the channel your free download guide and the 5 secrets to making every
conversation count can be found at the link in the description below thanks so
much for watching for more ideas tips and techniques on having better
conversations and asking great questions check out these videos make sure to
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updates we'll see you in the next video