Tiffany Peterson is an expert in Personal Development and she's joining me today to
talk about how to conquer fear and self doubt.
You know that I love to bring on experts and friends to Live on Purpose TV and Tiffany,
that's why you're here today.
Conquering fear and self doubt, I mean that was brought us together here, and, you are
one of the people in my life who knows some things about that.
And you have a way of helping other people to connect with.
How to do that?
Conquering fear and self doubt. I know you got some feelings about that.
Yeah, so we might be here, we could be here for several days, on this topic alone.
But we'll be here just for a few minutes.You know it's been said that if you teach most
what you need to learn, right?
So this is a topic close and dear to my heart.
This is one I have had a lot of practice with.
And it's one that I regularly still have practice with.
I think one of the first things that I want to make sure get shared with the group today,
is that, everyone has fear and everyone has self doubt.
Every single person.
Yeah.
And I think that's really important because sometimes it's easy in the world that we live
in today.
Especially with social media, that we're seeing everyone's highlight reels.
And we're seeing how happy positive they look and their family looks perfect.
And their home, their hair looks perfect.
And whatever is that, we sometimes believe we are the only ones, ever feeling insecure,
feeling fear, feeling self doubt.
And I think number one is we normalize it.
That no matter who you're talking to about, any human in the the planet.
Now for some people, it's minimal, right?
Yeah.
But some people, it's not this big open wound.
Some people, it's massive.
So, but regardless, if someone is in the human skin's suit body at some level or another
or some season of life for another, they've been learning this lesson.
So one is known it's totally normal, because sometimes, we create a mindset of belief that
we think oh if only I was taller or shorter or slimmer or curvier, or if I make more money.
Or if I had this degree, or if I have Paul's life or have Tiff's life, then I will be
happier. And the reality is you just don't know if that's true.
Because no matter who's shoes are you going to be in, you will have the opportunity to
practice self overcoming fear and overcoming self doubt. When you agree, like that is number
one.
Oh absolutely.
Yeah.
And thank you for leading with that. Because we all get to experience that.
And just because Dr. Paul and Tiffany are seating here in front of you in the camera,
and it's all YouTube and everything, no we've been through it, we've been there.Totally.
And so, it's not that we learn all of this in a book somewhere.
If fact, you know what?
Most of the book learning I did back in Trinx school, not even relevant.
Not today.
Not the one we're dealing with on a regular basis as human beings.
Our personal experience will teach us much.
And I think that s really important to acknowledge that we're not alone in this planet.
Our experiences shared.
And you said something also Tiffany about the comparisons that we make.
Yes.
And notice that you can't stop doing this.
You're going to it.
It's how our brain is wired and that's okay.
You're not wrong in doing those comparisons but the trap is often, you know like a pinterest,
or the facebook or the instagram.
What people choose to post is not necessarily reflective of what their real life is.
No for sure.
And so in that comparing our own weakness or our knowledge of our insecurities, and
we compare that to a people choose to post, which looks so flashy.
Right.
And I do that as well as myself at times is that, I'll take a photo which is a part of
my life but maybe let's say I'm in the kitchen for instance and I will show you this batch
of chocolate chip cookies, right?
Or you see some kind of experience.
Well, you're not seeing all the mess behind the other side of it.
You don't shoot the sink.
So, right.
You're not seeing that part.
I think one is self doubt and fear, they're both normal, but part of it is then I think
let's have some conversation around like how do we shift it when it does come up for me.
Right.
Because it will come up and it's still comes up for me today.
As much work as I've done, how much coaching I've done, and how work I've done in my own
sense of self.
Is that I still have the triggers would come up, it's kind of like the weeds in the garden
are always going to come.
They will come for you, they will come for anyone of us.
What matters is, I have a thought process in my own psychology, my own well being and
that I share with others is I want to close the loop faster.
Is not make a goal that it never happens to you.
That like you over fear entirely.
We sometimes say in personal growth, new level, new devil, right?
Is that my fear still comes up when I'm sometimes putting myself out there, I'm trying something
new, you're getting a vulnerable post, whatever it maybe.
Is that you and the process of living growth and evolution, you re going to have those
feelings come up.
So the issue is not, if they come out, they will.
Make the goal about for me is, I want to close the loop faster.
So when I am feeling the feelings, the emotions and feelings are not always facts.
I think that's worth wiring down.
Feeling are not facts.
They are feedback.
They are teachers, right?
So when my fear comes up rather than running, which is the natural response to fear, Hmmm.
Withraw, pullingback, holding back is get curious about your fear.
I'd like to say friend your fear.
I like to see sometimes it' s like sip with your fear, like it's a friend and have a cup
of tea with it.
And be like, "what are you here to teach me?"
what's this here to teach me?, "what's this about?".
Is most often your fears about feeling vulnerable, is feeling like, will I be judge?
Most fears when you look at fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of success.
Underneath all of those fears, is this same core of fear which is what will other people
think of me?
And so when you think about a lot of our fears are socially based, right?
They're saying, "gosh am I loved, like, and accepted?
We all have the same core needs is to get curious.
Number one, so fear comes up on me, I like to get curious.
I also love my core questions is, what this here to teach me?
Right?
What's the life lesson, that this is up for me?
Now I do that with diversity, I do that with struggle, I do that with fear is what it's
here to teach me.
That's for sure.
Yes, right?
Any form of pain, because I think all of those are forms of discontent or pain that we experience
on our life.
So that for me is what fear is.
To get curious about it, and it come back to your chosen beliefs which are called affirmations.
What are you affirming up in your life.
What do I choose to believe?
I can choose to believe that life is always working in my favor.
And for me personally, I love to believe that God has my back.
Some people might say life or universe.
But I have to believe and I do believe that God has my back and that life is always working
on my favor.
Now I can't prove that.
But I choose to believe it, because that's the lens I'm looking at life, it's often working
that way or I'm experiencing it regularly for myself because I'm choosing to believe
that.
So when the fear comes up, what it's here to teach me, but I can still be in fear and
still hold the same trust at the same time that says, I still choose to believe this
working for my highest good.
That is so powerful Tiffany and I want re emphasize that.
Because when you said it was so eloquent and beautiful that it's a choice.
Yeah.
You choose to believe it.
You don't know, I don't know but I choose it.
And notice this you guys, you are choosing a position.
We don't always see it that we chose it.
But you're in position, some position, or attitude, because attitude and position are
synonymous terms.
Hmm.
You are in some position already and you chose that position.
So, if you take the position that, "oh this isn't the way it should be", Hmmm.
And you get all that resistance, you must feel that energy.
Yeah.
And you don't know, like do you have some cosmic connection to the grand calendar of
all things, that says you know, I know that I'm off schedule here.
Right.
You don't.
Mmm..mmm.
So what you're saying and this is so powerful.
Pick a position that serves you well.
Right.
And your position is all of this is for me.
It's for my benefit.
Hmmm.
And well what happened if you really believe that?What would happen to your feelings?
Hmmm.
Well how that shift everything.
Yeah.
And I think so again it's welcoming it.
When the fear comes up for you.
Right?
Other than resisting it.
Other than holding it off or saying ' this is not what it's supposed to be".
What are you here to teach me?
What's this lesson really about?
One thing I learned from a great great book called "The War of Art".
Where he talks about Steven Pressfield's is saying that, the amateur expects to overcome
fear.
The professional knows they will never overcome fear.
And my little Tiffany is in my dad to that and they lays up anyway.
Because there are times where you are going to feel the fear.
And if we're not talking about you're in an immediate danger, right?
Because that's a good healthy response.
If you are in an immediate danger, then of course your fear vibe kicks up, right?
your emotions...
That's what it's for.
Right.
It's wired into ur body for survival.
For survival.
Right.
Most often that fear is that not because you're in danger physically, it's because how you're
perceiving and taking in life.
You know that everyone feels that it's more so.
It's not the issue if you're going to have it or anyone has it.
It's how do I navigate it when it comes up for me.
Right.
And I would then transition that same question over to then self doubt.
Because there are little bit of different life experience or they can be.
Yeah.
Like they're cousins that they can also be different as I would still ask that same question.
Is becoming more conscientious to - how do I want to navigate it?
- But we all go through self doubt and I think the fastest way to help close that loop, is
a couple of thoughts.
One, is that I love of mirror work, like you get in front of the mirror, face to face,
eye to eye.
Hmmm.
Is you give yourself love, and of affirmation and so forth.
But really is face to face, it's just being to yourself.
Speaking kind words.
If that feels too strong or too intimate, maybe put it in a journal.
Is you write yourself.
You speak to yourself.
Often treat yourself, as if you were treating a four year old, right?
With kindness and gentleness.
If you're a four year old and you have a four year old at some point in your life.
Four, four year olds.
When that four year old comes to you and says, " Daddy, I'm scared."
Or "I feel sad, or I feel ugly or I feel incompetent."
"I feel stupid, I feel shy."
I even hate saying those words at all.
Like how do I feel with my body.
But I'm aware like that four year old, yeah.
That four year old, you wouldn't say, "hey, just suck it up."
You know, get over it."
You would nurture that four year old.
Right.
Take them in to your arms.
Yes.
You'd be kind.
You'd give them some love.
Right.
So be like that way to yourself.
That you would say, "what do you need sweetheart?" is the question I like to ask.
Is that often again in self doubt, we might be hoping, waiting, wishing that someone or
something else is going to come along to validate us.
And say you know what, you're smart enough, you're good enough.
You can do this.
You're attractive and that.
You have the brains, you have the wit.
Whatever.
Rather than saying, okay sweetheart, " what do you need?"
And you show up to nurture yourself.
You have your own back.
One thing I've learned in my life experience.
I love relationship.
And I have some great, amazing friendships and family of in my life.
And I've had some painful relationships that have come and gone.
Right?
They've exited.
They left it in our mission.
Or you know after the first that or something.
But the one person you're guaranteed to travel this life path with, is yourself.
You're the one companion guaranteed to spend this life space with.
So to make friends with that person and to be kinder and more nurturing is...
Yes it's great to have friends and people come along.
But to give yourself love and that validation.
I'm a big teacher and a big advocate for self care.
And not self care is that make you selfish.
Self care is a wise, stewardship of your life.
Just think about, I want to be Paul.
Like I want to be the healthiest and happiest version of myself.
That means time to take care of my body, my mind, my spirit, my heart.
And I'm not in a day spa 24/7.
I'm sure not.
Right?
Or even hiking in the woods, like I was doing this morning.
But, I do some of those things in a regular basis that I better take care of me.
So I show up and have more to give.
In all relationship.
And sometimes, we get relationship wrong.
And you notice you work intimately, regularly.
Is that there's fine line between yes, you're in a healthy thriving relationship but first
and foremost, you want a healthy thriving relationship with you.
With yourself.
Right.
And are you showing up for yourself.
Because self doubt, long as you need something or someone to validate you, at any time that
can go away.
Right.
Or it can shift.
Or that something comes up.
So it's more so to make a conscious decision to say, I want to have a thriving relationship
with me.
And then I'm going to take time to nurture me, to understand me.
To make our contact with myself.
To ask myself, things like, "what brings me joy?, what nurtures my spirit?, what's my
body craving more of right now?"
And then honoring with some of those things are for you.
That's how we think, I think, we proactively nourish healthy self esteem and self care.
Is we were saying this example a few minutes back is that I do believe, life is a lot like
garden.
The weeds naturally grow.
Self doubt, the fears.
But what are you planting, what are you nourishing, giving your life force to that, why you're
develop some of this tools to take care of the weeds as they come up.
But one of the best ways to I believe handle the negative is that you
make the positive, like muscle in your body.
You make that so much stronger.
And that you're proactive in the nourishing of that.
Those are the thoughts from me.
I'm curious what you would add to self doubt specifically, because it's something we all
deal with, one, and two it's like, we all may have been victim to the belief that we
needed external things to feel good about ourselves.
It's all about our perspective and our focus.
And we've got a lot of other videos on this channel that are going to address different
elements of that.
That's all we've got.
I had one of my colleagues, and friends, describe it to me this way.
It's like, our entire experience is projected on the inside of this box that we're in.
It's just you know, that's our perception.
And there's instructions for getting out of the box, but they're printed on the outside
of the box.
Wow.
So that's why we engage coaches.
And that's why we do personal development work.
And so that we become more aware of the things that are obvious to us.
Once they come to our attention.
But unnoticed right up until that time.
So that's what you and I do, we eliminate the obvious to people and help them to see
a little clearer picture of themselves.
Is this something you would suggest?
That you think help people get out of their box, faster or out of their illusion, quicker?
You know the biggest thing that I would recommend there is to let go of your need to be right.
Even with your self doubt?
Well, that's the thing.
See,we know that we were right.
I know that I'm inadequate for example.
And you hold on to that belief.
Let go of your need to be right and be open to the possibility, you may be dead wrong
about that.
You might actually just be really freaking attractive, smart.
You maybe more fabulous than you realize.
You maybe amazing and magnificent, right.
Right.
You may not be getting that, that you really have.
And people like us we'll give you that feedback with as long as you hang on to your, you know,
for being right about that.
Just be open.
And again, a lot of times, one of the things you said, that I think is worth repeating
and emphasizing, is the comparison trap.
Right.
So much of yourself doubt actually comes from we're comparing.
And you're saying, "I'm not enough", or "I'm this or I'm that, or that" And I like to say
compared to who or what.
Because that's really what happening.
Right just saying, "I'm not organized enough", "I'm not successful enough".
"I'm not smart enough", "I'm not spiritual enough, I'm not a good enough mom or dad".
And there's always this ranking system somewhere.
But often when you poke at that a little bit, no one actually has feedback to say, "well
what would be enough?".
Right.
To be a good enough mom?
And it could always be better.
Right.
So, being gentler with yourself, "what do you need sweetheart?", you know showing that
kind of consciousness for yourself, I think is the most important thing that you could
do, in this whole life.
You've heard it form the expert.
No, I've heard if from a student that's learning the same lesson so...
Same thing.
Yeah.
Alright.
Thanks for having me.
We really are more alike that we are different.
I hope you enjoy this episode, and if there's someone that you'd like to share it with,
do that.