Welcome to the kill count where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies.
I'm James A. Janisse and today we're looking at the 2006 remake of 'Black Christmas.'
Sometimes marketed as 'Black Xmas' to show how "XCore" it is.
The remake follows loosely the plot of the original but adds a ton of backstory to Billy, the killer.
Flashbacks take up a good chunk of runtime and change Billy from a completely random killer to the stuff of local legend.
I'll admit that the first time I watched this movie I kind of liked it because of how bat-shit insane it gets.
But the more I watch it the more off-putting it is to me.
It's full of cheap references to the original,
Needlessly lifted without nearly as much thought or care and the characters are all
Shallow and matched the whole movies tone of being nasty and mean
But hey at least nasty and mean in this case also includes some crazy freaking doorman if you're into it get ready
But for everyone else be forewarned this movie's got some of the nastiest shit
I've ever talked about on the kill count and it's not only the gore. I'm talking about you ready alright. Let's get to the kills
The movie begins at the sorority house of Delta, Alpha, Kappa
That's not fun to say people be doing the Christmas thing like Claire who's writing a letter to her sister with her writing partner cabernet
She doesn't see blonde ring girl hanging out under her bed, and it's too late by time
She notices her calligraphy pen missing
She gets a bag over her head and after a short struggle with the killer a follow up pen to the dome gives us our
first kill a mere two minutes in title card and an Institute for the criminally insane a
Children's Ward Santa gets lost and winds up in a wing with
Residents that are more naughty and less nice like Billy Lenz who the santa recognizes by name billy's apparently a famous boy
cause the Santa man seems to know everything about him his mom kept him locked in the basement his whole life
the attic
well almost everything
Later on the security guard gets a note from Billy and goes inside his room to check on it
They probably shouldn't have let Billy decorate his room like a Krampus themed haunted house
But they did so as the guard checks on a hole in the wall Billy's able to come up behind him and stick a candy cane
in his neck Billy leaves the security guard shaking from his wound
But I'll put him on the list despite there being a decent chance he'd get appropriate medical care in time
let's jump back to Delta Alpha kalfa and go through the meat that'll soon be dead first up his kelly played by Katie Cassidy of
Every DC show ever she's telling her boyfriend
Kyle that she's got to spend the holiday night with her sorority sisters
Instead of him after she leaves the car he gets a call and it's for Megan another sorority sister doesn't look like she's just calling
To wish him a Merry Christmas downstairs the rest of the girls are hanging out. They're all pretty stereotypical Mean Girls
You'll probably recognize like the entire cast Ms Mac is the only main character who's back
and she's played by Andrea Martin who was Phyl in the original Kelly goes upstairs to rally more girls for present opening and
Successfully flushes out Lauren played by scream Queen crystal Lowe. Who's the closest thing to a barb we get in this movie?
They're not so successful recruiting Megan the chick who was all pissed off on the phone with Kyle
She's a bit, too
preoccupied for
Presence dealing with some footage of her and Lauren's boyfriend having sex and by dealing with I mean just kind of watching cuz she sits
There and does that for a while sup girl checking your form on the replay or something she pauses it when she hears the noise
Above her ceiling and follows it into the hallway into the attic door by the way who decorates the inside of their house with blinking
Christmas lights trying to give yourself a headache Megan goes into the attic and finds Claire's body sitting in its favorite window chair but before
She even realizes, that's a corpse she gets bagged around the head the killer stabs her repeatedly
But that's not enough for this movie the killer pins her to the floor and Sears Theo look away if you're squeamish
Frikkin digs into her eye sockets and Yanks those babies out roots ten
And if eye stuff bothers you, you might want to skip this video
cuz this movie's full of it. meanwhile basement grade Santa has finished up
His rounds and is now looking to get his candy cane wet with this nurse
But before he can try out that new joke he's been workshopping where he calls himself old, Saint Dick
Billy appears behind him and we hear a big flack off-screen then see blood splatter all over the floor
Billy later dons the Santa suit in a possible reference to Billy Chapman and dumps the Santa dudes body into the dumpster at Delta L
For capper Miz Mac is trying to get the girls invested in the house
Tradition where they leave a gift for Billy under the tree
But Heather played by mary elizabeth winstead isn't comfortable getting a gift for a serial killer Melissa played by Michelle Trachtenberg
Drinks wine and tries to be pedantic serial killers murder of Peter Lee for sexual thrill uh no
That's that's not what a serial killer is Dana the other girl
They are played by Lacey Chabert would rather deliver very drawn-out ghosts - my sister wait for it wait for it
wait for it......right in her head.
good job there expert comedic timing to get everyone in the proper mood for the houses weird serial killer traditions Ms
Miss Mac kicks off a flash bash to tell the story of Billy Lenz who grew up at the house the sorority now calls home Billy
was born in
1970 with jaundice which in this world apparently leaves you looking like a Sin City monster his dad Frank doesn't seem too bothered by it
But mama constants just loathes the hell out of both Billy and Frank for whatever reason five years later in
1975 Billy gets a gift from Santa
But while he's unwrapping his new telescope we hear his parents arguing and another man
Constance's lover show up and start a fight Billy peeks under a wall to witness the end of that little dust-up his dad on
The ground bleeding they bag his head and as Billy watches beat Frank a ton of times with a hammer murdering him right in front
Of his son's eyes the partners in crime later hide Frank's body in the crawlspace
under the porch because this movie is obsessed with those in between places and after constance
sees Billy peeping in on them they kind of
Chase him into the Attic which is all right?
By Constance because she just locks him inside end flash back in the present Kelly gets a phone call end puts it on speakerphone for
The rest of the girls to hear it's not nearly as deranged or creepy as the calls from the first one
And in this remake the ladies are unfamiliar with their personal cranky anger
But is still upsets Heather enough to want to call the police reasonable enough, but for some reason Lauren mocks her for the idea
So Heather storms off to go pack for home
She's cut off at the stairs by Eve who worked what just now meeting
I guess she's supposed to be some super weird character
But she just gives Heather a gift the glass unicorn from the first one because reference and wishes everybody a Merry Christmas
"merry xmas everyone" yeah
What a fucking weirdo another flashbacks set in 1982 this time shows Constance getting her rocks off at the top of the stairs
well Almost anyway her lover falls asleep on the job and when she hears noises from the Attic we get something nobody wants to see Constance
Goes into the attic and steps in front of her 12 year old son, and then she rapes him
This is super fucked up in like so many ways, but haaah at least is not being played for laughs
I guess still it gets even more crazy when it cuts to nine months later
And Billy has a new sister daughter Constance names her Agnes and tells the ceiling that she don't need her attic son anymore
She's my family now
we cut from Agnes in the past back to eve in the present which I guess is supposed to make you think they're one in the
same but spoiler
They're not. the phone rings again, and it's another quote-unquote creepy call that just has a regular sound of dude repeating dialogue the girl said earlier
The caller ID said it was from Megan's cell so Katie Braves the green and red blinking torture
Hallway to check on Megan in her room when she gets there though Kyle pops out
That's really fuckin suspicious dude turns out he had climbed into Megan's window to try to get rid of that
Doggystyle video on her computer he gives some bullshit excuse about wanting to see Kelly blah blah blah, whatever man
Let's just get to the next flash bag
Which Kyle tells the sorority girls since he's the townie who grew up under the legend the plans?
It's 1991 which means Billy can legally drink now
But instead his idea of a good time is spying on happier families with his new telescope
downstairs his eight-year-old sister daughter Agnes is opening presents but constance unwisely leaves the room to go light a stick on the stove and
We see that Billy is actually in the living room pulling a Sean Spicer the kitchen phone rings and when Constance answers it Billy's on
The other end using her own words against her
Sure enough Agnes is missing from the living room
But here's some shit that don't make sense Constance and her man toy pop up into the Attic to yell at Billy
But nobody's there and instead Billy and Agnes are back by the tree again a lot of spatial logic in this movie doesn't really hold
Up to scrutiny Billy beats Agnes with a bag over a head
And then ready for gross times again eats her freaking eyeball Billy's not dad runs over to him
only to get stabbed through the head with an ornament his eye comes out the back even though
There's no way it would have made it through the skull and tack like that
But fuck it this film's got a motif and damn if they don't hit on it every five minutes
Billy then turns to his mommy dearest
strangling her with the lights and dragging her into the kitchen where he grabs a rolling pin and beats her to death with it and
He just wails on her for like a really long time, man
This movie loves overindulging when it comes to stabbing and beating then to go way over the top
He grabs a cookie cutter and starts carving out pieces of her skin goddamn
He takes after NBC's Hannibal and actually cooks the flesh too so later when the cops show up
They find him at the kitchen table calmly eating his mother's flesh cookies with some milk ugh. Billy was institutionalized
And Agnes missing her eye was sent to an orphanage nobody has seen her since
kyle finishes his story and the girls get distracted when they hear someone come through the front door
Who'd that be it be Leigh?? Clare's bond girl looking sister?
Who's come to the house after not hearing from Clair all night?
The other sisters, and miss Mac are skeptical with leighs' sudden appearance, but she's able to convince them
She's a true sister by knowing about the Billy gift tradition. She does know an apparent change however
This is new it's not for Billie. It's for Alpha, Kappa from Billie
They opened the present and it's a telescope box with a baby doll inside the doll is missing its eyes because do you get it?
yet? E Y E S
Then Lauren projectile vomits so the girls take her upstairs, so she can just get it all out, sweetie. It's okay
You'll feel better tomorrow when the power goes out and finally ends the blinking light torture
hallway
Megan's laptop switches the battery power and so Kelly winds up seeing Kyle's star turn on the screen she gets real pissed at him even
Though he claims. It was before they were together and they he's not the one who put it online
They're boring totally irrelevant argument becomes public when it spills out into the hallway
and the other girls Uniting taking Kyle to the curb Mel starts a shower so Lauren can wash the puke and regret off herself and
As she undresses she uncovers an unlikely peephole under the floor look at the weird way this eye is
Edited into that shot, and what kind of angle would you even have from that Hole? You'd just be looking at ceiling
Oh, no, you'd have a perfect porky style angle on this bathing beauty, okay
whatever Mel finishes up her mom like treatment and she puts Lauren to bed after Leigh and Dana failed to get the lights working with the
Circuit breaker Dana says she'll go out to the main fuse box underneath the house so when she checks out the crawlspace under the porch
Her face gets grabbed, and she's pulled inside
She has a short graple with the killer that ends when they grab a gardening tool that they used to stab Dana in the shoulder
And then the back, it's a little bit confusing since they're both wearing the same outfit
But you know what now we don't have to worry about that because Dana is dead yeah
The Killer calls from Dana's phone and makes some spooky noises
So the other girls run outside to see where Dana is they see that Ian's car is still there and when Heather opens the door
Eve's head falls out confirming that that character serves virtually no purpose in this movie aside from being a red herring they run back inside
To the perceived safety of their sorority living room and although Kelly is able to get through to 911 they say the snow storm
Has really effed up those roads, so it would take them like two hours to get there
Hey where are their taxes going exactly Police Department MS. Mack decides that billy is the killer
And tells everyone to get their stuff because it's time to peace out
But Melissa doesn't want to leave Lauren and leigh's not ready to give up on Clair and Kelly says it's safer to stick together inside
The house the lines are drawn and neither side wants to give so Ms
Mack and Heather decide to head out saying they'll send help ASAP
Man I hate what this choice does to miss mac' character the two of them get into the car all right?
But when Heather doesn't know what a snow brush is MS Mack paddywhacks throws the girl a bone and gets out to dewinterize the windshield
Herself the car starts a rockin and a yellow eye peeks through a gap in the snow and all of a sudden a big loud
blood blast signifies Heather's been killed kind of weird scene mary elizabeth winstead in such a sidelined role when nowadays
She'd almost
definitely be the final girl in this film MS Mack is shocked enough to stumble backwards and knock an icicle off the garage that falls and
Kills her wait what accidental deaths like this aren't unprecedented in slasher flicks
But it still feels like a kill that isn't quite earned you know
the other girls get concerned when they see the car hasn't left yet
So Leigh and Kelly go to check it out melissa is left alone which proves to be fatal when she gets a patented plastic bag
Over her head from our long haired killer
She's able to get out of that one and tries to escape out a window instead of going down stairs, okay?
But the killer follows her into the room and after eyeing a pair of ice skates
Within Reach picks them up and Chucks them at the back of Mel's head freaking scalping her for a pretty solid kill
We're just run through these victims like hot butter at this point kids might as well move on to the next one then which is
Obviously going to be the passed out Lauren before she meets her faith though things get real
uncomfortable for everyone with a molestation scene that goes on for way too long
Lauren wakes up as grossed out as the audiences watching this and grabs the glass unicorn to use as a weapon
But she misses and instead she gets choked against the bed and stabbed in the head just once with the glass unicorn her kill serving
as one final week shadow of Margot Kidder x-bar' Kelly and Leigh are in Lauren's room when Kyle busts in and
he and leigh get into a fight when Leigh is thrown against the bed it reveals Lauren's eyeless body to every one eyeball is more
I'm all
Kelly vouches for Kyle's innocence by pointing out that when she calls claire's cellphone its ringtone answers from the what?
ceiIing? i seriously don't understand what we're looking at here or how we're seeing the phones light so if anyone wants to explain it to
Me feel free to do so in the comments
Then we see the phone up there make a call and Kelly answers that you can't guess what Billy says
and by the way if you haven't figured it out yet both Billy and Agnes are the killers in this one. Billy having come from the
institute he broke out of and Agnes having been in the Attic the whole time kyle wants to get out of the house while they
Still can but leigh still refuses to give up on Claire so they decide to go into the Attic to see what they can do
on that whole missing sister for her
kyle volunteers to go up first and his chivalry gets him bagged and dragged into the Attic he tries to crawl away from Agnes
But she just walks up and stabs him in the head damn
Did this movie do the suspicious boyfriend thing so much worse than the original.Kelly and Leigh attack Agnes since they're now also in the Attic?
and in the exact same move they did with Lauren's body a few minutes earlier Lee looks up to find that her sister is a
Confirmed fatality, then the girls watch as Agnes rips out Kyle's eyes
and
Follows up with the lens
Tradition of chomping down on that eyeball Leigh falls through the floor cuz attics are not meant to be party centerdale and as kelly tries
To help her up or down just pick a direction Lady Agnes
Gets real festive and starts lighting candles that show off for decoration skills. Oh the eyes are ornaments
That's what they're there for. wait a minute. Then. What was with that little snack you had a man ago?
We don't eat ornaments Agnes Leigh finishes falling through the floor and when Agnes bags Kelly and tries to stab her to death she instead
only succeeds and starting a fire in the attic
Kelly defends herself by grabbing a long tong and stabbing Agnes in the eye with it because it's the only goddamn trick this movie has
Started to become desensitized to it
Then Agnes who kind of looks and sounds like a Fred Armisen character tells Kelly the good news my daddy's here well
That's gross to hear, but she ain't lyin Billy's here climbs up into the attic as Agnes wrapped some Christmas lights around Kelly
There's a big cluster cuss that ends with Kelly and Agnes both sliding down the space behind the wall dragging those Christmas lights two that
Are tangled up in a whole bunch of shit crawl spaces and eyeballs folks?
That's what this movie is Agnes falls all the way down and Billy begins to descent coming after Kelly
But Leigh is able to bust a hole through the wall with a dumbbell and pull Kelly safely into the laundry room that now flaming
kangol finally falls down the wall leaving the lenzes in a literal hell hole that the girls fuel further with some
Paint thinner they lock the door the laundry room behind them and escape through the front door of the house
And this movie's finally over wait
It's not how many more eyeballs
We got to squish here people huh at the hospital a morgue assistant is pissy that he's working on Christmas
He should probably be pissed see that the bodies in his charge aren't actually dead as Billy proves when he pops up out of his
Bag he grabs a bone saw and as the morgue dude is all like no please don't
Billy kills him with it off-screen just a classic little slasher bonus kill here folks the hospital is full of more stupid spacial
logicals
first leigh and Kelly are together in Kelly's room a nurse comes in and takes Kelly to get more x-rays so Leigh is left in the
Room alone, but then she goes out into the hallway, then she fucking comes back into the room
Where Agnes is sleeping in the bed pretending to be Kelly?
It's dumb and unlikely and is just there to kill Leigh whose death is short
And not so sweet with Agnes whispering forever to her than snapping her neck yep
That's it just the neck snap we cut to Kelly getting back into her bed
Which again doesn't make a lot of sense to me when you think about where the body should be and shit and now the door?
Of the hospital room is faulty all of a sudden. They were supposed to have someone fix this
Hey, just like in the original Kelly senses that danger is near the blood pooling in the light fixture is usually a dead giveaway
so she charges up the
defibrillators in
Preparation when Agnes drops down and attacks her from behind Kelly is able to clear her way to the end of this movie by putting
those shock paddles right on Agnes face
We've seen kills like this on the kill count before and I've got to say this is the weakest execution of it
I want boiling skin son now Billy drops from the ceiling
But Kelly bust out the door window and escapes into the hallway Billy gives chase only to get
blindsided by a crunch to the face points Kelly
But then Billy uses the crush to trip Kelly to the ground and ties the match up again
billy takes the lead with a scalpel to the back
But Kelly is the ultimate Victor when she tosses Billy down a few stories to get impaled through the top of a Christmas tree in
The movies first and only effective use of blinking lights we see his body shadow on the ceiling over Kelly as she looks down at
The dead ass lenz boy below and with that the movie is finally over. Oh
Fuck I'm so sad something funny for like to walk away here
Hey look I'm Billy lens does that work cool, let's get to the numbers
Eighteen people died in the Black Christmas remake which is 11 more than in the original
not bad the victims included seven men and eleven women giving us more female than male victims again?
Just like the original at a runtime of 92 minutes that comes out to a kill on average about every five minutes
I'll get the golden chainsaw for coolest kill to Melissa it's super quick
But I think it's pretty creative having some ice skates
Take a little too much off the top. dull machete for lamest kill will go to leigh
who's unlikely neck snap was super weak sauce and that's it the black Christmas remake came out in 2006
And it feels like most people forgot about it pretty quickly
Oh well next week is the last kill count of the year with New Year's evil and until then I'm James A. Jannise
This has been the kill count
thanks a lot for watching my kill count for the black Christmas remake one thing some of my patrons like austin store Dillon Connors and
Julia faith hey what if there was another kill count between this one a New Year's evil wouldn't that be crazy wouldn't it be cool
especially if it was like Christmas themed
Especially if it was like a movie that everyone's always requests and especially if it was a movie made by the same guy who did
Trick-or-treat would that be awesome check your feeds tomorrow motherfuckers