-Hey, everybody, I was running a bit behind today,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like
to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you? [ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing music,
please?
[ Soft music plays ]
-Wow. -It's beautiful.
-I guess he's not live. [ Music stops ]
[ Soft music plays ]
-Thank you, formal impeachment, for sounding like
a fancy dessert you'd order in the South.
I'll have the formal impeachment,
and the lady will have the chocolate Ukraine.
[ Soft music plays ]
Thank you, Apple's flagship store,
reopening after renovations.
I hope that turning the store off
and back on again fixed the problem.
"Thank you for waiting.
Have you turned it off?"
[ Soft music plays ]
Thank you, props at a wedding photo booth.
You're right -- the fanciest clothing I own
does look better paired with
a Viking helmet and a mustache on a stick.
Come on, man.
-You're dressed up. Get out of here.
[ Soft music plays ]
-Thank you, meditation apps that start free
but then cost money.
Who knew that charging my credit card $12.99 a month
was part of my path to enlightenment?
I think I feel less stress? -Yeah.
[ Soft music plays ]
-Thank you, checking the fridge over and over
to see if I have anything to eat,
for making me ask myself, "Am I really hungry enough
to eat that Chinese food for a fourth day?"
It can't be good. There's no way.
-I'll cut off the mold. -Yeah. Eh, no one's here.
[ Soft music plays ]
Thank you, hayrides, for not going by your real name,
allergy wagons.
There you go.
Those are my thank-you notes right there, everybody.