So the ability to turn down feedback and create boundaries is crucial to receiving feedback
well and really to creating healthy relationships.
One of the paradoxes of receiving feedback well is that in order to be able to say yes
you also have to be able to say no.
If you can't say no to feedback what ends up happening is you're constantly saying yes
and maybe resentment builds up and then instead of actually engaging and having conversation,
we might just end up fleeing the relationship altogether because there's just too much pressure
in it.
So there are three boundaries that are useful.
One is simply saying I'm willing to listen to your thoughts and your advice but I may
not take it.
Another is saying the place that I'm in right now, your advice is not helpful so I would
prefer that you not give it to me.
And then the most stringent boundary is saying do not give me this advice and if you continue
to give me this advice I'm gonna have to leave the relationship or I'm gonna have to -- there
are gonna be some consequences that I have to impose.
So one key in turning down feedback is to use the word and.
And what that really means is to -- you can be firm in turning down feedback but also
appreciate the potentially positive intentions that someone has.
Your friend or sibling may be giving you advice on dating, so it's driving you crazy but their
intention is positive.
So you can say, you know, I understand that you care about me and you love me and you
want me to have a happy life.
At the same time, in other words and, and it's having a negative impact on me.
So you can appreciate the intention and then also turn down the actual feedback.
It's important when turning down feedback to be specific.
Don't simply say, "You're driving me crazy" or "Stop annoying me" or "Stop giving me feedback."
Be explicit and specific about the topic that is upsetting you.
So, for example, if a friend is staying with you over the weekend say, "If you're gonna
stay here for the weekend I request that you not give me advice about my parenting or that
you not comment on my parenting."
And then explain why -- explain why it's upsetting.
That gives the other person at least a fighting chance of complying with what's important
to you.
It's also useful to be specific about the timeframe.
So is this your asking as you get your feet under you as a new parent is this something
that you just would like their complaints the first few months that they not be badgering
you or maybe it's your whole life.
It's also important if there are gonna be consequences, if you're thinking, "Gee, if
you're gonna continually give me advice about my parenting it's gonna cause me to try to
avoid you sometimes and that's upsetting for me as well as for you."
So if that's the case, if you really are gonna be avoiding the person they should know the
potential consequences.
And then the last piece of it is to be, to get their ascent.
In other words, to say, "So I've made a request.
Is it clear to you and is that something that you can agree to."
And once they've signed on they have a certain level of commitment to it so they can say,
you know, hopefully they say, "Yes, I won't mention your parenting style."
And then if they do it's easier for you to reference it as well.
So if I've decided that I'm not changing I've created a boundary.
That's fine but we all have a duty if we're living or working with other people we also
have social interactions with them and responsibilities toward them.
So, for example, let's say you're my spouse and you've been encouraging me to try some
medication for ADD.
And maybe I've tried or maybe I've just decided I'm simply not going to, I don't like it.
So you're setting a boundary.
You're giving me feedback.
I'm not taking the feedback and that's your right.
But at the end of the day we also have the duty to think about the other person and to
think about -- so if I'm not gonna take the medication what can I do at least to make
things better for you.
So maybe each morning we'll go over a joint list of the tasks that need to get done today
and we'll just sort of problem solve together.
What would be helpful to you?
What's gonna be helpful to me?
And what might actually help the situation.
You wanted me to take medication.
I'm not going to.
That's the boundary but that doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility to try to make
things better for both of us.